I'm supposed to be at tuition now, but since my kid's just practicing her fantabulous science skills with a practice exam paper, I decided to cut her some slack and shut up.
Today's the last tuition with her. The last time I'd buy bubble tea for the both of us. Sigh. Emotional time. Haha. I'm gonna miss coming over to teach her. Considering I've been going over to tutor her at least twice a week since last year, I think we kinda got some connection, despite her not talking too much until a few months back. Haha.
After today, I'd have 2 primary students left to tutor till the end of the month. And then. My financial backing is cut off. Darn. Well, at least it's in time for me to just sit down, do some proper work, and study a lil harder for the exams this semester. It's sucky enough that I can't go for an exchange programme. YUP. My cap is that horrigible. BUT. I'm just grateful that I got into NUS in the 1st place. So yup.
Read her blog entry for like, the millionth time. HAHA. Alright, not exactly the millionth time, but definitely more than 5. I'm just trying to see things from her perspective. Like, what made her feel that way? Not that I see it perfectly. But I can somehow see where she's coming from. It's easy to feel that way. I mean, I used to think that way when I was in secondary school, which explains why I was M.I.A-ing from church. Depression and repression made me feel church was not as great as the friends I had in my school. Well, they did help me through the tough times. Kudos to them.
Now I'm standing on the other end. I don't have any close friends outside church. Well, maybe just 1 or 2. But the rest... I just lost them. Or as some of them may say, I'm too busy to grace them with my presence when they organise meet-ups and stuff. It's awfully sad when you try your best to explain things to them, but you know that they'll never be able to fully comprehend what is it in church that keeps you so so so busy.
Sometimes when I see their pictures on facebook, I feel kinda sad to see pictures of all my friends together, without me. Dang it. Before I left for Aussie this year, one of the best friends I had in school invited me to her 21st birthday. But I couldn't make it because of the trip. It's not that I don't want to go. I really wanted to go, and finally meet up with the girls. But under such circumstances, there's nothing much I can do other than just replying, "I'm so sorry, but I can't make it. But anyway, happy birthday! Meet up soon alright?". Stupid sms, cause I know we'll probably have such different schedules that we won't be able to meet up at all.
Anyhoo, back to main point. I can understand why she thinks the church community feels fake. And I feel a lil sian. After all, a church community is supposed to be full of love and not be judgemental no matter what a person does/did. But we're humans. We are a screwed up species. Heh. Okay, a lil harsh. But anyhoo. We do try to love everyone and anyone, from what I see. And this isn't an overnight thing. It takes time. Although I'm not really close to everyone/anyone in church, I'm just glad that I had a chance to interact and grow up with some of them over the years. You can see the changes. I can easily give multiple examples, like Janice. She makes me feel jealous (in a good way, of course). Haha. I wish I had the strong faith she has, the fantastic ability to worship-lead at such a young age etc etc etc etc. Of course I know each of us have different paths, yada yada. But yes, you get what I mean.
As of now, I feel detached from church. Yet again. But I know it's just a phase which I've to go through again and again and again. Because of who I am and what I've been set to do. You know how some people say Christians are like one of a kind? I'm like, one of a kind of the one of a kind. Something like, the oddest of the odd. Haha. On several occasions (even these few weeks), I felt so out of place after church service that I just want to go home and bury myself in my (cosy little) studyroom. IKEA makes the best homey-feeling/smelling furniture I tell you. :) Okay, back to point. What's my point actually? Hmmm. I have no idea. But bottomline. I love the people in church. Not because they're my homeys. Not because they look better than other christians we meet (during YMLC etc etc). HAHAHAHA! I'm evil. BUT ANYWAY. I just love them because I see them love God in their unique way and I see how God loves each of them His way.
Sigh. Now I can't wait to go back to church on Sunday. And do stupid hi-waves and stuff when I see people like Mae Yan and Jayne and Janice and Audrey and Kezia and Yihui and Rulin and Pao Yin etc etc etc etc etc etc. Note that I didn't add in any guy name. Yup, they'll give the are-you-retarded face expressions when the girls do stupid his and stuff. OMG. This entry is insanely long and weird. Okay, point to make. I just love them. Fullstop.
Another nice hide-out after a hectic week of work and revision and deadlines. Not that I feel very tired this week. I've been sleeping more. And I think I'm coping pretty well this semester, considering I'm kinda better at projects and presentations than just sitting down to complete pileloads of work 24/7. But I gotta say, this semester's crasi. Fingers crossed I won't do so badly again.