I didn't leave the house at all today. Whoopee!

For the first time in my whole entire life, I was glad that I could just stay at home the entire day.
This whole week's been really tiring, considering that I didn't really have a good rest since last week. School's time-table is absolutely crazy, esp on an odd week; I just had a 9 am t0 9pm timetable yesterday.

AND, the best part is, I've two projects due in what, 2 weeks?
Have this 2000-word essay which I've to come up with in a month's time.
1st French test's coming up in about 2-3 weeks' time also.
OMG. I missed the slacko wacko days... In JC. Yes, JC was actually slack, as compared to uni. It's so... Individualistic. Every man for himself. Of course, I try to not be so competitive with the friends I met there. But it seems for the VERY FIRST TIME, I seem a lil more efficient than them most of the time. Like, when I asked them if they read certain notes, which I've already did, they didn't even know that the notes were out. GOSH. I'm so nerdy.... AHHHHHHHH. Nightmarish.

Oh yeah, was supposed to go for a statistics lecture this morning. But I felt too sick and tired to get out of bed to go to school in the morning. All 3 tuitions were cancelled/postponed. So I'm just stuck in the study-room trying to get some work done for once.

Yup, it's funny, cause I've been SO busy with school lectures and tutorials and yada yada, that I've never been able to re-read my notes and just revise. There're mid-term tests during mid-Sept, projects, presentations and essays should be done by october, AND semester exams in Nov. WOW. What a tight-fit schedule.

Okay, 'nuf about school-whining. It is fun to some extent. But I think I gotta learn how to take a step back and just chill. I'm practically rushing here and there. But I made quite a few friends. Yay. And some people actually think I'm friendly at 1st sight. What a surprise.

Ah great. Grandma's throwing a tantrum at me. Gosh. First there was a mom to do that. Now that mom's over at aunt's, she takes over the shift. Like, omg. Does if feel good to throw a tantrum or what?!

Thinking of the happy times with you,
Just makes me smile even during the saddest moments in my life.

Alright, a very random thing that just popped up in my wrinkled brain. Ha.

I won't be joining the jazz band after all. Haven't heard from them, so I guess I'm not good enough. How sad. Ah well. I suck.

It's ah neh's birthday today. Happeeeee burfdayeeeee!
We shall meet up real soon okie? Say, this sat or sth? We'll ask Adrian too, he wants to celebrate your birthday. :)
(Alright, fingers crossed that ah neh'll be reading this. HMMMM.)

Something good's supposedly coming soon, according to Shawn. Had a couple of spiritual attacks this week; not sure why. And both happened when I was talking on the phone with Kaw kaw.

Oh oh. I finally met Hana, after like, one whole year of no contact. It was fun. Missed talking to her. Memories of us bitching about EVERY SINGLE THING came into mind. Funny man.

And yes, the people I wanna lunch with in school... SOON.
There's Hana, of course.
Adibah - she's cute. Haha.
Fabian, chee chee, augustus, jun cheng, the archi people la. Well, at least this one I'm liasing with Fabian. So yeah, coolio. Probably lunch next week. OH YESH, I've to contact the rest of the OG. DAMMIT.
KP - Dinner/lunch for my birthday. Gosh. It's gonna be september soon.
Grace -Haven't seen her since the starbucks meet-up.
Jia Hui with Sheryl and the church peeps. But I don't even see them around man. Haha. Oh well.

BUSY BUSY!

I'm 20 now.

I can't believe I've reached the 20 mark. Gosh. Not that I feel old, cause the reality hasn't really kicked in yet. I still feel like a 19-yr-old. Don't know what's the difference though. Haha.

This year's birthday turned out pretty well.

Other than the lil pressies here and there, I feel the love yoz.

Dinner with Pert, Jeremy & Mel was fantastic! Where're the photos guys?!
Oh btw, Mel, if you're reading this, your mag's with me. You left it in Pert's car. :)
Anyhoo, we watched Evan Almighty. OMG. Funny movie man. And it's pretty enlightening too.

Earlier in the afternoon, mom and I went for lunch @ parkway. Went over to Singtel and guess who we bumped into?! Mel and her momma. It was quite fun; the guys serving us were like, looking back and forth btw Mel and me, cause we were just making a whole heck of a din at the counter. Oh yeah, and there was this mio guy. Pretty cute. But he ended up talking to my mom instead. I was too occupied with Mel and the sexy phone I'm about to get. Haha. At least we made eye contact. Ha. For now, I'm starting to think that I'm actually not THAT ugly. Yay.

A whole new twist in my life. Not sure how to explain it. Cause it seems very... Tentative? I don't know.

Post-birthday celebration (27 aug) :
Went shopping from like 2 plus in the afternoon till 8? Got myself a lappie cover, some tops. Got a new greeny appley ring. It's super duper uber nice. Well. That's a gift actually. Dinner was at Fish & Co. Gosh, I spent quite a bit today (as in Monday). Shikes.

Oh damn. I've to wake up early later, at about like, what, 5? Just to prepare for my french tutorial. Sigh. School's really tiring man.

Happy birthday to me!

Yup, it's my birthday for an hour already. Yay. How exciting. I've reached the 20 mark. =)

But while talking to Mel, I'm starting to feel a bit downcast again. Dammit.

Back from godsrockers retreat.

It was good, clean fun. Well, almost.
I had melted marshmallows smeared over my face by some of the guys; my hair felt like it had extremely hard sticky wax applied on it. Ha.

And Ashley's nice enough to buy me a very nice birthday cake. I feel loved. =)

Pert and I were just talking while we were on our way to collect the peeps' lunch from Changi village this afternoon. This year's birthday will probably be very very very mild and low-key, in preparation for next year. Haha. 21st. It's always the most important - The mark of adulthood. Not that I'm still like a kid. Haha.

My mom just re-arranged my cosy wosy study-room. I can finally watch the tv which is in the living room by just turning my head leftwards. BUT, mom took down the curtains. I hate that my windows are bare. Can't wait to have em up again.

Oh yeah, we're going to go sign up for the MIO thingy tmr. YES! Finally. At least I can stop leeching. And I can stay online forever and ever and ever. Without being cut off occasionally. AND without feeling scared about some stranger suing/charging me to court for using his network.

Freakin' tired from the retreat actually. But I kinda wish I can stay up till at least 12 am tonight. Then I can wish myself happy birthday before anyone else does. HAHAHA.
Yup, turning 20 soon. I've come a LOOOONG way.

Just some people I want to thank for being w me along all these years, and this year especially.

There's Pert. Yeah. How long have we like, been god-siblings? Gosh. VERY LONG. Haha. It's been my utmost pleasure, really. It would not be the same if I lived these few years without having you to guide me along the way. Thanks for always being the more practical and sensible one. Remember what you promised me this afternoon ya. Next year's 26th august is the deadline okie? ONE and STABLE. Haha. I've faith you can do it. No worries. Don't look for it; it'll look for you.

There's Mel too. We just celebrated our 1 yr 'anniversary' during the tertiary retreat eh? =) It's been fun. I've learnt a lot alongside you and I hope you did too. Be very assured that I'll always be here for you, alright? But anyway, I'm really glad that you've a good job and a loving boyfriend you're constantly excited about.

Grace, Lucas & Ah Neh: Well well well. I hope you guys can actually see a lil change in me this year. At least we meet up more often? =) Honestly, I'm really glad that I still have you guys as my close friends from JC. It's always been a sad trend for me and my past school friends to somehow lose contact. So yes. I know I made you guys worry at times. Forgive me for that. I'm not really good at keeping pacts eh? Haha. Anyway, yes, bottomline, you guys rock.

Kaw kaw: I never knew a toy can create such a big impact in my life. Haha. I miss you, now that I know I can't get to play with you as often as I could in the past. Ah well. At least I've your picture? =) Oh, and it's a pity that you couldn't meet Humper and Snail-whale. Tough luck. Haha.

Big Mama: Thanks for all those free rollering lessons. And being ever so 'patient' with me. Well, I'm just really glad to have you around to let me whine about anything and everything, anywhere and anytime. Haha. No thanks for the unnecessary cut on my lip though. Haha. No hard feelings, don't worry. You just owe me dinner! =) Roller soon okie! And the next time I won't fall, promise. Guarantee plus chop. And don't worry too much, I'll pray that you'll get your dream job really really soon. In the meantime, do productive stuff, like... I don't know, exercising, running, resting? Haha.

Jiao Per: Dude, until now, I still don't understand the whole meaning behind your nick. Ah well, not that it matters alot. It sounds funny; that's all that matters. Heh. Anyway, hope I haven't been irritating you very much. I wish I was taller actually, so at least when we talk, the sound wavelengths from either of us can reach the other. Thanks for being around to whatever-back me all the time. It's funny to see you act gay and bimbotic. But I guess for you, it's not much of an act, RIGHT? HAHAHAHAHA. Kidding.

For the rest, You know who you are, KP, Kez, Ron, Eugene, etc etc. I can't think anymore now, my brain's like... Switched off already. But bottomline: I'm really thankful that God planted each and every one of you in my life. We may have been through good times, bad times or maybe both, but I guess God had a purpose for letting me know everyone of you. Thanks for sticking around. =) Love you guys!

Gosh, does this sound like a suicide letter or what. Haha. No worries everyone, it's a birthday speech. See, Pert? I got a speech. But yeah la. Abit late, considering we cut the cake this afternoon. But, better than nothing right?

Everything's like how it was last year.

Alright, it's a bit different, with school going now and lots of church, school and friends' activities coming along the way.

At least it'll occupy me for a while. I'll need all the activities I can get to fill up my mind at this point of time.

By far, this is the hardest for me to swallow.
The first one, which happened last year, 2 weeks before my birthday (yet again.) was sad. But at least I was ready to give it up anytime.
After that were just stupid experiments I tortured myself with mentally and emotionally. That's why, when they ended, I felt alot happier, alongside the shitty feeling that I wasted time and money and intelligence. Haha.

I'm just pretty much sore. Alright, maybe that sounds a bit of an over-statement.
It's like, there's this sour feeling inside of me whenever I see happy couples down the road... Even in NUS. Like, COME ON, couples being touchy during lectures?! Gosh. Not that I'm jealous. Okay, that's beside the point. Hahahaha.

Talking to Jeremy just now obviously didn't help much. Not that it's his fault. I just felt more upset with myself.
Why the heck did I get myself into such a situation?
The only thing I'm grateful about, is that we're still talking.
I wish I can be more indifferent about it, like how he does it.

I just threw a bitchfit.

Yep, you see me whining alot, or like.. acting dumb or stuff like that.

BUT no one has ever seen me throw a bitchfit before (if I'm not wrong).

Alright. I feel alot calmer now actually. And somehow I feel like my heartstrings are tugging at me (there's such a word right - heartstrings???). Maybe I was over-reacting? I'll probably apologise to Kaw later. That's if he still wants to talk to me. AH WELL. I'm in hot soup, I think.

Argh. I don't know. I try to be reasonable most of the time, but I guess I couldn't really control my temper this time. It's quite annoying how sucky situations and life can get.

Oh well, that's life for you.

Crap, I still haven't decided what to cook/prepare for Sunday.
And I haven't decided on the songs for the retreat worship session.
Nothing else to worry about for now, I think. I've done my other work.
And yes, I'm going to start studying, like literally right now. Lots of reading to do.

Oh yeah, just had my FIRST french lecture today. COOL STUFF man!

Je m'appelle Diana.
Vous vous appelez comment?

Comment ca va?
Ca va bien, et vous?

Errrrr... What else did I learn?
There's this je, tu, il, elle, ils yada yada stuff, with conjugations etc.
Really interesting. And the french teacher's nice too. Well at least sth went well for me today.

And I met Claryance for lunch today. Macs... Yet again. I've never eaten so much Macs until I entered the uni man. Haha. Oh well, at least the main reason for eating at Macs is the benefit of eating in a cool air-conditioned place, considering the weather's been rather unpredictable. It can rain a thunderstorm in the morning, and can become really hot, scorch-ish and dry in the afternoon. Global warming?

We're going to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AH......
Alright, I think I just had a sugar boost or sth. Don't know why I'm so high now.

I don't really like this feeling.

I don't feel VERY frustrated. I don't feel VERY irritated. I don't feel VERY emotional. I don't feel VERY upset.

Tsk.

I don't know. I just feel a lil'... Shitty-fied. And maybe a bit confused.

I don't know if I should just give it a pass. OR, should I just wait and see?

AH................................................................

Alright, at least school's going fine. Lectures only for now still. :)
I just want to do well for at least one thing. And for now, it seems that school's the only option.

Church stuff's just busy busy busy. Not that I hate it. But it's just tiring.
BUT, I can't wait for YMLC. Fun stuff!

Put your head on my shoulder... Da-dee-dum

The song title already sounds SOOOOOO sweet.
This is by far the only song that's able to bring me to day-dreaming lalaland from the start to finish of the song. Alright, the song only works that wonder when Michael Buble sings it. Haha.
Ah well.

It's gonna be a week since school lectures started. And I'm already exhausted. Shikesssssss.
At least I have many many many many girlfriends to hang out with! =) Alright, not THAT many, but I'm coming to it. Singapore's a REALLY small world. One of the girls whom I'm taking the course with knows this guy who's my junior in junior college. Oh, and I've bumped into ALOT of my jc schoolmates who're probably in their 2nd-yr now. But so far, only 2 recognised me. The rest just looked past me la. Maybe I did change alot. Maybe I put on alot alot alot of weight. SHIAT. And I ate so much carbo today.

OH MAN!

At least NUS has lots of hills and valleys I've to walk through every single damn day... Which is cool. Burns some calories.

I want to go shopping soon... =( Any sponsors?! Haha.

10 more days. Wow. How quick time flies.

I feel ALOT better now.

I guess it really helps when you have a whole group of friends helping you to tide through. Thanks guys. =) And it works wonders when you pile your week with tons of stuff to do.

But yes, I was literally crying my eyes out earlier this week. But now, I just feel emo now and then. It's less painful, more bittersweet. Sigh.

I guess when school starts, you have to worry about alot of stuff. And to make things worse, I had to experience another painful experience while getting used to school life again. That's probably why I really felt horrigible.

But now I'm alright, I think.
Yay.

Now I just got to make sure I get really busy these days, so I don't have to think too much.

We're still friends, which is kewl. Back to normal.

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel alright.
Sometimes I feel really upset.
Sometimes I feel lost.
Other times I feel weird.

It's amazing how I can feel SO MANY different emotions in just 1 day. First I was happy, cause school was starting, and I got a few friends to hang out with. Then I felt quite alright, cause for once I didn't really feel the pain. In the afternoon I felt sad. Alright, I felt... Not sad, but like, it's a bittersweet kinda thing. I was like, pretty free to daydream while my tuition kid does her own work. So all those memories seem to be floating back and forth. Ah well.

When I met Grace, Ah neh & Lucas, everything seems good. I was laughing as usual, we were joking about everyone, anyone, everything and anything. I feel loved again. Haha. But from one extreme I went to the other; couldn't sleep till super early in the morning.

And now my eyes are swollen again. Right.
Well at least I can go roller-blading today with Jeremy. Yay.

Fingers crossed; I don't want to injure myself again.

Bittersweet.

I never really liked bittersweet chocolates. I like it sweet, but not too sweet, or else I'll feel sick.
Love's like a box of nicely-wrapped chocolates, people say. You never know when you'll get a chocolate which is too sweet for comfort, or a chocolate which is bitter. I guess until now I still haven't found my perfect chocolate.

Ah well.
After trashing it out, I decided that we should just be friends. Told him that; apparently he thinks likewise too. Something good coming at a bad timing is bad. Something good coming at a good timing is good. Makes sense I guess.
But hey, at least I feel less miserable. Now what's left is the recovery path, which is a long way ahead.
Sigh.
Tough luck. Haha.

It's over.

Why do I always put myself through all this emotional turmoil? I wonder too, Pert.

It's really not intentional. I mean, why would I purposely go find some guy to break me. I'm not THAT dumb/retarded. I just can't stand the way things always turn out.

I'm not going to go all drama mama. But at least for now, I understand what it means to bleed inside. I feel cheated, and robbed. And I actually thought this would be different.

I can't go on sobbing and crying and whining. I can't look so depressed for long. School just started. Life has to go on.

But it really hurts. I can't stand it.

Alright.

Happy happy. Just because I've got my 5 modules. At least I can stop worrying about all that bidding crap for a while, before the next semester. Haha. OH DAMN. Almost forgot that I've to ballot for tutorials too. Aiya. Troublesome.

But of course, at least I'm starting to study again.

I had to write this report for the recent orientation project. Felt a bit 'rusty' after a year of not writing any essay at all. But it turned out pretty well; group people were pretty happy with the flowery descriptions. Hahahahaha... The report was only 1 page, so it wasn't much of a problem after all. Like, alot easier than writing 5 to 6 pages of lit essays that's for sure. =)

Mom came back this evening. She's like... quiet. Which is good because I wouldn't get into trouble with her. But it's also bad because I'm broke. And from the way she's acting around me, it'll be impossible to ask her if she can fulfill a mother's duty OR at the very least, be nice enough to give me a monthly allowance, considering that school's starting and all. Oh gosh.

Of course it'll be SOOOOO much better if I can just be independent. But from the way my timetable for school is turning out, I'll hardly have time to breathe man. Gotta tutor less somemore, since school's main priority. OH MAN. AHHHH.......

And I wonder why sometimes I hate this family. HA. Sucks to have parents who either are just downright irresponsible, or they just blame their kids for EVERYTHING that goes wrong. Yuck. I'm SO not going to marry an indo-chinese in the future.

If only...

They've the Daim cake. Dammit.
Well, at least they had the swedish meatballs. SHIOK man.

Today was an okay day. Just that I think I'm undergoing PMS, so abit grumpy la.
Met Chee Chee, Viviane, B.T, Fabian & Jun Cheng for project today. They're the nicest people (Besides Jasmine and Fiona) I've met in uni so far. The rest of the people I see are like... Either I don't talk to em, or they're so HIGH about that rag-and-flag day that I can't look at em. Sorry la. Too enthu for me to handle.

Oh yeah, only after one week of usage, I decided to send my laptop for servicing. Like w.t.h. At least they got rid of the NUS domain and the fingerprint thingy. Thank goodness. :)

Yesterday was REALLY BAD. I felt really upset. Like, even talking to like 3 other people on msn who were trying to cheer me up didn't work. Depression??? I hope not. Haven't sunk into that situation since secondary school. AH WELL.

But anyway, thanks buddy... love u jia hui, and my ah gong!!! What would I do without you. HA.

Oh damn. Totally forgot I've a report to type out. AHHHH!!!!!!

Feelin' lousy

The only thing which I'm happy about right now is... Shiat. I don't know.

I'm feeling damn shitty right now.

And can I just say how much it sucks to have one of your girlfriends accusing you of ignoring her when she doesn't even contact you at all. Like, babe, I ALWAYS reply to people's sms-es, unless that person's like some perverted sicko. Sigh. Like, at least blame me for something which I really did wrong. How do I reply you when you don't sms me. Blooooody heck. Frak.

Oh yeah, I feel like a loser now. At this point of time, I feel like I suck at E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
Oh yeah, Her majesty's having a cold war with me, because of what happened on Friday. =( My hope of asking her for a small amt of monthly allowance's got thrown out of the window. Maybe I should get another tuition. SIGH. BUT no time. Ugh. Shikes. As much as I like the independence, but it would really be nice if she offers to at least pay for my transport. Ah well. What can I expect. By the rate he's going, I don't even dare to wish for her to be financially generous with me.

Omg. There're some belly dancers performing on tv now. One of them's quite fat. But she still looks hot while doing the dance thingy. Impressive. Ah...

Bottomline. I feel like shiat now.