Lead worship.

I'm in such a screwed up shape right now.

One more paper to go.
And I'm starting to understand what Ruperto meant in the past. It's a curse. Haha.

I want to be passionate.
I want to write songs.
I want to help people.
I want to love people like how some do.
I want to be as bubbly and exciting as how some are.
I want to be smarter like the nerds so I won't end up getting a third class degree.
I want to be more talented in my piano-playing.

You're right, God. I can't have everything I want.

2 more to go.

Exam disaster.
So traumatised that I didn't study the whole of today. Ok, not traumatised. Just a lil tired and stoned.

Tomorrow is a brand new day! I'm going to start studying for my next 2 papers. And eat right. Think I put on some weight; haven't been watching what I eat. Think that's what they call binge eating. Have resorted to that, subconsciously. And yes, I actually feel a little better, for a few hours, before I start eating again. AH WELL.

Think I've too many vests. But I just caught sight of another one. OMG. Nice nice nice nice nice. At least vests cover really plain tops. Which I love buying.

Haven't shopped since the last online spree, which consisted of a wallet and a vest. Saving up for Down Under and omg. Suddenly no one can confirm if they're going. Hate it when that happens. But no matter, I'm gonna go for it.

Anyhoo.
Will be looking through forever21/heritage again after exams, will probably want to get some stuff for Christmas. If you're interested, let me know!

I love the smell of new books.

They've this intoxicating smell.

Was supposed to go to church as per norm today. But I think it's because of that pill I took for my itchiness/rash problem. I was so drowsy and dizzy; didn't get outta bed till past 12. Conclusion: No pill the night before church. But the rash's returning, thanks to the horrigible and unpredictable weather in Singapore. I'm just glad last night was like cold. Was just wearing shorts and a T-shirt; still felt a lil warm. Odd.

Am studying my law notes on and off. Can't concentrate, because of the heat. No more itch, thank you God. Think my skin only itches at night.

Decided to read through the Selah book (written by Brian Houston). This very quote just banged me on the head.

"Don't focus on the growth of the church. Focus on the health of the church - because healthy things grow."

That is very true. Which is what the guys in church are doing now, with things like I Heart Sports Day and Youth camp etc. Which is cool. Which makes me feel sad that I'm not helping out. Or even attending them. SIGH.

Oh there's the Telok Kurau Christmas Outreach. And... I'm the coffee-girl. With apron and all. The other girls are wearing angel outfits. Cause they're Angels during the Outreach. Something keeps tugging me within. Like, I'm feeling like a big fat ugly igor. Haha.

Honestly, over the past few weeks, months maybe, there's something eating me from inside. I feel out of the church which I've been growing in since 6. It's been 15 years. Wow. I think it's the staleness of not going to other churches to experience different stuff.

I tried to fight away (with His help of course) the bitter feeling, because I know (I hope I know it right) that all these obstacles are just there to help me grow as a person, and to learn it full-on that every person has his place in life by God to do specific things. But everytime I thought I've learnt enough, another thing just kicks me off balance again. Then back to square one. The isolation, sole dependence on Him, isolation again every Sunday, the dreary world with its pains that I see in people but I can't help.

Now I'm just stuck between squares 1 & 2. The isolation on-and-off. One time when I quarelled with Wayne, I couldn't call a single person to talk. Half the church is probably negative towards my breakup with Fabian, let alone let me cry and bawl about another guy. That was The moment I realised, there isn't anyone. Not the friends I laugh and have fun with at school. Not the family who brought me up. Not anyone in church. God was around, no doubt. But I wished for Him to just bring a human angel to me. To talk things out with me, ask how things are, be actually honestly concerned and non-judgemental when I talk about Fabian and Wayne. I need a friend.

Anyone who reads this probably thinks I'm just being emotional and not thinking straight. Honestly, how many friends do you really confide in about everything, even the dark secrets? God's not counted by the way. Think you gotta have at least two. Cause if you quarrel big time with one, there's still another one you can call.

That's the thing. I only have 1. Better than nothing, yes. But it's not about being greedy. It's the human need for more love on earth.

Yay.

McKey won ANTM.

I'm not usually a fan of the series. But this cycle's models were pretty good. And I love McKey. Boxer-girl's got some attitude going on.

Anyway, today started off really badly, with the fact that I had to sleep with a really bad stomach. Had like food poisoning. Prayed really hard... Till I dozed off. Thank You God. I feel like nothing's wrong today.

BUT. Some grades came back. Like my report. Which I slogged all the way for. Tutor's not too happy with the topic. BUT he initially loved it. ARGH. Fickle. And my other lap report. I passed. But it's not good, considering loads of other people scored higher than me. BLARGH. And I did put in effort. Like. Alot.

SIGH. Wayne and I concluded that marks aren't everything. At least we've still God around to back us up. Which is very true. Honestly I can't imagine what'd happen if I didn't have this relationship with God. So yup, it was a good wake-up call. I just can't wait for exams to be over and done with. So I can start doing some real work. Like. Designing a room. And tutor (ka-ching). And of course, prepare CHRISTMAS. :):):):) The nicest festival of the year.

Okay, bedtime. 1st exam tomorrow's at 9 am.

Chatterbox.

Today started off quite groggy and all. Couldn't get myself outta bed for the YM games day thingy. Oh well.

Finally got myself outta bed at 11-ish, when it started raining. I hope they didn't get wet or anything.
Anyhoo. I keep forgetting that it really helps when the first thing I do in the morning is to talk to Him. Prepares me for the day ahead. I actually smiled to myself. Haha. And then good news followed. I got a tuition starting from dec thanks to my aunt's recommendation. Yay. :) Can continue saving up for Down Under. I'm officially broke; can't spend the moola in my account. Haha.

The rest of the day seemed pretty peaceful. Just made myself sit down and get a report done. Leaving the last assignment for later after church. Need to pace myself. And get some rest. I seem to be getting more anal with the work quality I produce. Good and bad thing. I feel that I'm distancing from the civilisation.

W brought me to Chatterbox earlier for chix rice. I'm a sucker for packaging. So when the dinner set came, I was just checking out the presentation for a while before starting. Haha. And there were some random fireworks thingy going on somewhere in town. Since Chatterbox was on the 39th floor, we could see the stuff going on. Nice. Sigh. It was a good dinner. :)

Dad just came back a couple of days ago. I'm trying to be more polite and sincere. Think Mom can see it too. She was taken aback to see me home on a Saturday doing work. Yup, I actually do work, Mom. Thanks.
And they seem to converse with W pretty casually now. I'm happy. La la la.

La la la is so not me.
Now I just got to do well for this semester. At least get my cap up to a reasonable grade.
And start interacting with the people I used to find easy interacting with.

LITING.............. COME BACK SOON! Rachel and I want to have a picnic.

Sickly week.

Yesterday and today seemed/seem so fast-paced. But I think I'm kinda lagging behind time. Haha. With the fantastic weather, it helps the rash heal although the skin's peeling off. Nice cool weather. Sigh.

Had a 5-hr nap after 8 am class, because I felt too sick to do any work today. Managed to pull myself out of bed, had porridge-y stuff for dinner, and do some work at Wayne's. At least I managed to figure out what to write for that particular assignment. Sigh. Everything seems a lil more peaceful, and nice.

My exams are in less than 10 days I think. Haha. Thankfully the assignments double as revision. Or else I'll be freaking out right now.

Sigh. Happy sigh.
I'm just happy the rash is going away. They don't itch as much anymore. And the mozzies aren't bothering me. :):):)

Thank You Lord!

Rash gone bad.

Or worse actually.

In tears she needed someone.
But no name came to mind,
No number she could call.
In desperation she turned to the Father,
Who only gave her a hug and words of comfort.
Then she realised He was more than enough,
More than anyone she needed.

There is nothing like Your love, Father. Thank You.

Proverbs 3.

It just came to my mind. Out of the blue.

Interesting.

It's been quite a heck of a week. My skin's acting up again. Probably due to stress. Or some idiot I bumped into and he/she has some bacterial disease or something. UGH. Bathing now's a dread, because my skin stings under running water. And it feels dry and painful after bathing. I'm disgusted by it, let alone other people. I'm scared of touching people or touching anything that belongs to them; don't want them to feel like I'm passing on some infectious thingy to them.

It's not that I don't take care of my skin. I've always been careful with the skincare products I use and stuff. Just really irritated that my skin's condition is getting from bad to worse. And I wish I can go see some doctor at the National Skin Centre. But the consultation fees are like. OMG. Getting basic pocket money is so strenuous; how am I supposed to get money for this.

I'm just praying and hoping this skin problem will just disappear before the exams. Being distracted by the itching and hurting will definitely not help while attempting the written papers.

God please just tell me what this is for. To build my immune system? To increase my tolerance threshold or something?! Or at least tell me that this is be over really soon.