They've this intoxicating smell.
Was supposed to go to church as per norm today. But I think it's because of that pill I took for my itchiness/rash problem. I was so drowsy and dizzy; didn't get outta bed till past 12. Conclusion: No pill the night before church. But the rash's returning, thanks to the horrigible and unpredictable weather in Singapore. I'm just glad last night was like cold. Was just wearing shorts and a T-shirt; still felt a lil warm. Odd.
Am studying my law notes on and off. Can't concentrate, because of the heat. No more itch, thank you God. Think my skin only itches at night.
Decided to read through the Selah book (written by Brian Houston). This very quote just banged me on the head.
"Don't focus on the growth of the church. Focus on the health of the church - because healthy things grow."
That is very true. Which is what the guys in church are doing now, with things like I Heart Sports Day and Youth camp etc. Which is cool. Which makes me feel sad that I'm not helping out. Or even attending them. SIGH.
Oh there's the Telok Kurau Christmas Outreach. And... I'm the coffee-girl. With apron and all. The other girls are wearing angel outfits. Cause they're Angels during the Outreach. Something keeps tugging me within. Like, I'm feeling like a big fat ugly igor. Haha.
Honestly, over the past few weeks, months maybe, there's something eating me from inside. I feel out of the church which I've been growing in since 6. It's been 15 years. Wow. I think it's the staleness of not going to other churches to experience different stuff.
I tried to fight away (with His help of course) the bitter feeling, because I know (I hope I know it right) that all these obstacles are just there to help me grow as a person, and to learn it full-on that every person has his place in life by God to do specific things. But everytime I thought I've learnt enough, another thing just kicks me off balance again. Then back to square one. The isolation, sole dependence on Him, isolation again every Sunday, the dreary world with its pains that I see in people but I can't help.
Now I'm just stuck between squares 1 & 2. The isolation on-and-off. One time when I quarelled with Wayne, I couldn't call a single person to talk. Half the church is probably negative towards my breakup with Fabian, let alone let me cry and bawl about another guy. That was The moment I realised, there isn't anyone. Not the friends I laugh and have fun with at school. Not the family who brought me up. Not anyone in church. God was around, no doubt. But I wished for Him to just bring a human angel to me. To talk things out with me, ask how things are, be actually honestly concerned and non-judgemental when I talk about Fabian and Wayne. I need a friend.
Anyone who reads this probably thinks I'm just being emotional and not thinking straight. Honestly, how many friends do you really confide in about everything, even the dark secrets? God's not counted by the way. Think you gotta have at least two. Cause if you quarrel big time with one, there's still another one you can call.
That's the thing. I only have 1. Better than nothing, yes. But it's not about being greedy. It's the human need for more love on earth.
