Bored to tears.

Literally.

I asked God for a swimming pool.

In my future dream house's backyard, or something like that. Sure, it sounds rather far-fetched. But He did say I'll get it if I worked hard enough. HAHA.

But anyway, it feels so much nicer to be able to just swim every afternoon and laze around in my own backyard's pool. As compared to the sick feeling in the stomach I get earlier after some laps, and having to take a bus to and fro. And the whole thing about sharing the pool. I feel rather competitive, even though I'm not that a good swimmer now. It's idiotic having to share a lane with this fat ang moh who splashes around like a big fat duck; he's supposedly doing free-style. He's still pretty fast, despite the huge waves of splash.

The walk home was slightly less painful, thanks to my ipod. But because I couldn't wait for my wet suit to dry off, I walked home in a wet shirt and wet fbt shorts. I know, gross right. But that was how much I wanted to get home and sit down and slack off.

I hope my ipod never dies. :)

One week more.

It's a whole mixture of feelings. Like, 60% excitement, 10% anxiety and 30% emo. I will miss many many people. And the food.

I know it's only a month, or less, if I don't get quarantined.

But I'll miss meeting up with Liting and Steph; their charisma and humour never fail to crack me up. Smelt. The CG; I'm gonna be missing saturday lessons and sunday lunches. Grace and the boys. Although we don't meet very often, thinking about them makes me smile sometimes. We've known one another for about 4-5 years now. It's amazing to see how much they've grown. Haha.

It's true that as you get older, your circle of close friends gradually minimise. I'm happy with my circle of close friends. It would be really heartbreaking when I've to leave Singapore to live somewhere else.

This whole holiday, I've been daydreaming quite a bit. Not sure if they're visions or just thought bubbles. I occasionally think about leaving the country to a bible college somewhere else. Learn outside the Methodist context. I may change my mind about this matter later on, but I honestly don't see myself working in a CBD office. It's so bland. And meaningless. Unless I'm working there with another purpose in mind. Hmmm.

Emotionally turmoilistic day.

Whatever it is. 2 more weeks. And I'm out of here.

I'm just really relieved that worship-leading didn't end up nightmare-ish. It was slightly fun. But I felt pretty awkward when I saw my dad walk into the auditorium from the back door. I don't like the feeling of being watched.

Man, the weather is a killer.

Freakish dream.

Maybe it's because I slept till 3 pm this afternoon. Haha. But I had this massive headache for the whole morning. I could literally hear my heart and brain throbbing away whenever there was silence.

Anyway. The dream. It was a combination of dreams and nightmares. About things I should never attempt to do in real life. I can't remember all the things that happened in the dream, but the 2 things which I can vividly remember are enough to freak me out. The first was kissing a guy whom I should never kiss again, and the other was shouting at some unknown band consisting of 3 keyboardists and a worship leader (all don't exist in real life) on-stage, in church, in front of the congregation.

After that, the dream was all nice and happy, but I can't remember the rest. It's the freaking stuff which I can remember.

As much as I want to start writing songs again, I think I got to be more well-versed in the Bible knowledge. Or least know where Corinthians is placed rather than depending on the contents page. That's my downfall. And the reason why the past songs I wrote will never be used. That's the impression I'm getting.

During the past 2 weeks, due to boredom, I started to reflect on the things I did, both good and bad. And I realised the songs which I wrote, are just looked upon for a moment and passed on. There's nothing much I can do about the songs, other than fish for comments. I'm not like Amy; I can't push the songs up the stage. Not like Eugene either; he gets requests to write songs for occasions and stuff. And it kinda frustrates me. I know the difference between songs one should keep for himself, and songs which can actually be used on-stage. And although I feel a few of my songs can be used in church, I'm not really getting the support which I need to push the songs up. I don't want to do it forcefully. All I need is a "Yes, let's do this song." Unfortunately, I'm not getting that at all.

Of course I understand that it takes years to hone the skills and to allow certain songs to be sung in a church setting. I guess my songs aren't meant to be used in church. At least Wayne and I can use the songs for our own worship and just-for-fun-improvisation.

Don't get me wrong; I'm still trying to write with the help of the Bible. But by the looks of it, I think I'll keep the rest for myself for now. It feels slightly demoralising when you don't have constructive criticism or any follow-up. And when you don't get that for a long period of time, you just stop doing it, because you're tired of it.

All nice and rainbowy for now.

She's not freaking out anymore. The Dad seems more supportive of me going; I just need to go get the jab and sleep regularly from now on. Clement says the situation ain't that bad. So yup. I trust God's plans. So I'll go. :) YAY.

I'm just praying that the situation will improve, so I don't need to be quarantined. Being quarantined may be fun in some aspects, but I really really want to play for this gig. And if I get quarantined, I'm bust. No gig, no ka-ching.

Anyway, I was with Elena on Monday to visit 2 old ladies and attend a wake. A pretty depressing day, but I didn't really get affected emotionally. As in, I felt sad, but I was more into the motivated-to-do-something-about-it mood. Maybe because Elena's around me the whole time. She's like a happy bee.

Find it weird how my left hand's been getting numb for long periods of time. Like, in the past, the numbness usually went away after a while. But for the past few days, the numbness stays on for an hour or more. I hope it's nothing more than just lack of hand exercise. Time to do scales and chromatics.

AHHH! Panadol. I need panadol for my holiday trip. *I'm coming up with a list of what to pack.*
Shikes man. Holiday prep is really troublesome and expensive.

"I never stopped you from going to Australia."

YEAH RIGHT. She's still the same old woman. I couldn't believe my ears when she said that. C'mon, you created this whole saga earlier on this year. So don't come saying this stuff. It's really annoying.

Anyway. News update. My mom (YET AGAIN) is banning me from entering Melbourne. GAH. It's the same old story again.

"People say this... People say that." (Probably all the opinions were created by her mind, with just 1 person telling her some teeny weeny thing.)

"I know you trust God. But sometimes got to trust your common sense." (Kinda contradictory in itself.)

"What if you return and get quarantined and you pass the H1N1 to us?!" (The reaction after I explained that I'll get quarantined in the Costa Sands chalet. Very supportive. Haha.)

Honestly, I am worried about this whole H1N1 thing. But her ridiculous and somewhat selfish arguments make me want to enter Melbourne even more. I just want to show her that I can enter and leave healthily, with God's help.

Sigh. It's exhausting trying to knock some sense into her. It's just a holiday trip. Cut me some slack. Please. I'm seriously, honestly, extremely tired of this crap.

Today is a sucky day.

I don't want to sound childish and blah-blah-blah.
But today is a really sucky day.

And yes, I thank God still. Because now I will not take a good or even moderate day for granted.

The movie He's Just Not That Into You made me feel very depressed about life. We're so screwed. Today's women think WAY too much. The men, are just JERKS, except the gays and <1% of the straight guys. It's so disturbing. I don't think I want to watch that movie ever again. It's the first movie that makes me so depressed and insecure and shitty at the same time. It was initially funny, but it doesn't make up for the screwed-upness of the society.

Woe to those who created this movie.

How well do you know Diana?

I created that test out of curiosity. And boredom.

Actually, I wasn't expecting anyone to score well. In reality, other than your closest companion/s whom you hang out with 24/7, the rest of the people in your life probably know only about 1/3, at most 2/3 of your life. It's this habit (not sure if you call this a habit) of telling different people different aspects of your life. You hardly get the time/patience to tell one person EVERYTHING.

Seeing the results Audrey and Ruperto got kinda made me laugh, in a bittersweet way. I don't blame them, of course. Why would I bother sharing such superficial information, like the name of my toy-duck? Probably only a handful know the actual name; they include the person who gave me the duck, and myself. Wayne probably forgot about it too. HAHA.

Anyway, I think I'm rambling in a slightly emo mood because of the song I'm listening to. Brook Fraser always gets the extreme emo out of me.

Soon. I can't imagine what it'll be like though. Meeting Him face to face. Getting the end-results of THE examination that matters the most. SHIKES.

On a lighter note!
I'm 3 weeks away from the holiday trip. OMG. This is even more exciting than last year!!!

But if the H1N1 situation doesn't improve, I'll be quarantined in a costa sands chalet for a week after returning. HAHA. It'll be quite odd and extremely awkward living with other strangers who may actually contain the H1N1 virus. Please pray that the H1N1 thingy doesn't worsen. I hate being contained. Although the idea of being stuck in a chalet with a couple of other people seems experimentally interesting. Like a reality-show. :)

The success test

Oswald Chambers wrote that the most exacting test of all to survive is prosperity.

I've always thought adversity was the worst situation any human being survives from.

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. "
Romans 12:3

Rulin sent an email and asked if I can help out in the Youth Camp as an asst. camp comm. It felt pretty exciting actually. Like. WOW. I can help out. I wanna help out!!!

Then I started thinking about my grades. Worked harder the last 2 semesters to improve my CAP. And THEN I thought about how extra commitments may jeopardise my efforts to maintain/improve my CAP this coming semester. There, for a moment, I thought my better-improved grades were from my human efforts.

Forgive me, God. I know it's a miracle from You. How else would a lousy-at-maths girl like me score well in measurements, especially when I thought I was going to flunk it. I really really hope You'll bless me again this semester. A rather childish/selfish prayer. But yeah.

Right now, I'm in this phase, "Am I listening to God right? Or is it just my stupid brain thinking stupid thoughts?"
Sigh. I used to be able to differentiate. Now it's just a big fat mess.

I think it's time to level up. See Audrey, now magikarp gotta try leveling up. And magikarps take freakin' long to level up because of their useless moves. BLARGH. WHY GIVE ME MAGIKARP. Stupid magiKRAP. At least title me some other pokemon which actually levels up by having some useful moves. My fish jump move is like. SUPER DUPER EXTREMELY useless.

Okay, think I digressed too much. Will stop blabbing.

Hammies in the wild.

One of the many things hamsters in the wild do.
Actually. I'm not even sure if they're hamsters. I just think they look like hamsters.
ANYWAY.

Wayne and I are contemplating getting a pair of hammies. After the hol trip. Which is also the time when the 2 irritating cousins who indirectly killed Muffin start school again. They won't be around this time to indirectly murder the two new ones.

I miss Muffin though. SIGH. Stewpid cousins.
And I miss my stupid dugong.

I WANT TO GO TO KOREA.

Was just looking through some pictures my ex-classmate took when she was on a holiday in Korea. I am utterly jealous. Hopefully I can go there next year, or after my graduation. Awesome weather. And complicated language.

We thought we should learn basic Hangul. So we can be like our parents. Wayne's parents use German to 'bitch' about him in front of him. Mine use Bahasa to do the same. So. We'll speak Hangul. Which only Wayne's mom understands slightly. MUAHAHAHAHAHA. Nice.

As I've told many, I feel extremely unproductive. But I get jitters thinking about interning in a church. I like the idea of it, honestly. But when I'm approached to talk about the topic, I feel hesitant.