I'm falling sick.

Yeah.
I need to get proper rest.
But recess week just passed in a flash.

But at least we're talking now. So things aren't that bad I hope? :)

Anyhoo. Meeting Eugene and the rest for supper later at blk 85. Nice.
I feel exhausted though.

You want to know what's wrong? This is what's wrong.

Not that I'm expecting a return for whatever I did. Then again.
You're too busy to talk to me, cause of prison break. (OMG. There's such a thing called PAUSE, you know.) But, you're actually talking to your other friend/s. I don't know who, but oh well. I don't care anymore. A girl, a guy, or even a gay. I don't have the right to poke into matters and ask anyway.

I am SO peeved.
And this time, it's not because I'm anal, like you always say about me when I stay up till late. (I wonder why.)
If I did whatever you did to me, after all I've done, I'm pretty sure you're not going to be happy being stuck in the situation that I'm in right now.

I'm only human.
You can't expect me to be nice and be ever so open-hearted all the time. There's a limit. And sometimes, a girl just can't take it anymore. Not like this.

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh. But it really hurts when you try to put in effort, and at the same time, be nice and not demanding (COME ON, SERIOUSLY, have I ever made things difficult for you ever since you left for UK?), BUT on the other hand, the other party, doesn't seem to care.
No sms-es. No emails. And don't try to give me all that bullshit about handphone switching on and off regularly. SERIOUSLY, I'm really sure you've used your phone to communicate with your new friends (or acquaintances, so you say). Duude, you used your phone to give em missed calls.I'm sure your phone works. So really, if I can spend money just to say hi, it should be reasonable for you too right. It's even cheaper for you, my dear.

I forgot what I wanted to say next.
Oh yes.
If you can't put in effort, then as much as I don't wish to do this, I don't see why I should put in effort for you.

I've always believed in this. The more you give, the more you expect, the more disappointed you'll get. That's why I always try to put a barrier. This time, I let my guard down just a wee bit. And GUESS WHAT. Tada. Fantastico.

I probably should just stop doing all these things for you. They probably make you feel restricted/guilty? I don't know; I can't find the right words to describe. I'll stop it then. Makes things easier for you. For me too, hopefully.

PL funfair.

My next door class in sec school is setting up a booth @the funfair. Just spoke to Vilist last night, if I'm not wrong.

Pearlyn just sent out this mass email through friendster.
All those happy times with the girls in school started flooding my mind.
After all, they're the ones who literally kept me going during the sec school years.
It's quite sad that I've been so busy with the present and future and as a result, I haven't been able to get in touch with the past.
Just saw the pictures Pearlyn took with the girls.
Too bad a few of em already went overseas for studies. DAMN. I didn't even know until recently; that means I didn't send them off. Aiyayayayyaya...

Yet again, I'll be busy on saturday. So that means I probably can't make it for the funfair. :(

Okies, back to studying French.

I've mastered it!

To take things easy! Yeah.
Well, not that I don't know how to do that in the past.
But in the current situation, it's hard you see. :)

Can't wait for him to come back. Miss him like mad.
BUT!
I can wait. And I'll still live. It'll be quite sad if my life stops just because of this.
I think God has something more important for me to do. It just dawned upon me when I was walking home from tuition today. SO... YEAH.

For the first time, I sat myself down to try inputting into one of the modules' forums. I'll be marked on it. 6 marks in total just for input in forums. Man... Well, at least I input quite a lot tonight. Feel good about school now. Wahahahaha!

Oh oh, and I just came across this whole website about future houses being built with different environmentally-friendly materials. Gives my inspiration on how I want my future house to be like. :)

This house is solely made of cardboard. COOL HUH! But then again, I can't imagine what's going to happen when there's some typhoon or rain or flood.

Fully cement materialised house. It looks like some monument or shelter. If it's covered up and all, it's actually quite nice, with all these circle circle stuff going on. Heh.

The most standard kind of futuristic house - Glass. Very classy though. But reminds me of the thirteen ghosts movie. You know, they're like, stuck in a glass cubicle. Of course, this one has a lot more class. Haha.

Okay, I'm back to watching the silent library guys trying to say some tongue-twister shit. Haha. Chiki-chiki! Hahahahahaha.
OMG. Using a tea bag which was just put into a cup of boiling water to slap someone's face unexpectedly. So random. But it's funny. Sadistically funny. Haha.

Carls' Junior.

Ate some bacon double cheeseburger meal at Carls' Junior.
Actually, seriously speaking, if you don't upsize or modify the original meals, they're alright. Not that I approve of their high fat levels and all. But yeah. Considering that I didn't eat the whole day till 6, and that meal makes up for the whole day other than one cup of milo-bing from sempang, should be alright, right? :)

I haven't been sleeping a lot these days, for obvious reasons.
And I try to stay out till as late as I can. Cause firstly, it's saddening to go home uber early and I keep getting reminded that Fab's not around like how he was in the past. And secondly... I've to wait up for him quite alot this week to talk to him. Not that I'm complaining. I don't regret waiting up for him; I'd rather feel uber tired and be able to just catch a glimpse of him for a while before sleeping.

But I can't be doing this for very long. We both have separate lives in different continents. I'm getting used to it actually, gradually. :) So no worries, guys, I'm not going to sink into depression or anything. I'll live. Wahahaha.

Wished you were still here in Singapore though.

Long distance relationships are tough. Shiat.
Jiao per...... Help. *Okay, that was a bit random.*

It's a sad week.

I don't know how to explain it. It's just... painful.
It's so...... unnerving.
Like, what's he up to now? Is he safe? Is he having fun? Is he coping well with the new friends he met? Is he going to like, find another girl, and realise quickly(or even immediately) that she's alot better than me?

I guess it's really easy for a girl to just wonder and imagine how things may turn out to be.
Eugene once told me about Geraldine dreaming that Sam cheated her, and the next morning when she woke up, she thought it was reality. She even messaged Sam to tell him she knows that he cheated on her and stuff like that.

We talked about this cheating thingy over Skype the last few times. It always just... Makes me feel jittery about it. Like, how he says, "You're just doing all these to piss me off right, then make me feel better about cheating on you."

I NEVER had this problem for the past few guys I went out with. Like, even Shawn P. Well, considering the relationship with him was the most serious out of the rest, I wasn't worried if he'll cheat on me; he did like this other girl for some time, but that was it. Maybe Darius set it off, I don't know.

ARGH.

But I'm glad I prayed about it today.
Whatever that's destined to come will just come. I can't stop it.
Even if things go bad, I just have to swallow it down and get on with life, right? Right.
Not my will but His be done.

If I've to go through life with this happening again and again, what can I say? It's my life path.
See, Mel? It's not that I want all these things to keep happening to me. They just come.

Spiritual attacks on the rise. Don't know why it's happening. PJ keeps saying that it's because I'm growing closer to God. Maybe she's right. I've been talking more often to God, even in broad daylight.
Well, I guess right now, the only one I can trust is Him.
Unfortunately, the world doesn't seem full of rainbows and colourful flowers anymore.

I've been noticing alot more sad things going on. Like, I always wince when I see old people staggering down the road, or like, they'll walk with a limp. I wished I could do something for that. But I can't.

Abit random la this post. But sometimes I wished I was a different person. A different name, a different look, a different personality, a different family background. But I want to retain my talents. Ha. Playing the piano's good, I like that. And my friends too. Love them to bits.
Or maybe it'll be better to turn back time. Not make the same mistakes I did. As much as I want to say, "No, I don't regret doing the things I did. My life turned out the way it is, and I accept that.", I wished I did some things differently.

I thought I healed. Self-denial I guess? Sometimes I just feel... Worthless and pathetic. Pathetic in terms of loser kind of pathetic.

OMG. I was like, quite optimistic the whole day today. And now, I'm so bloody emotional about everything!

Okay, think happy thoughts Diana. Think happy thoughts.

Fabian's left.

We had dinner with his parents the evening before he left.

This whole week has been really emotional.
Happy times we had, though they're mostly bittersweet, cause whenever we start talking, we'll end up talking about what happens after he leaves.

Well, now that he's left, everything's abit.. Empty.
But my church friends made it alot less painful for me, thankfully.
Audrey offered to be my whining buddy since Keith's going to London too.
Ray and a lot others think my new hair looks nice.

Something happened at the airport, Ron said to Yuenning.

Talking to him now. Damn, miss him loads. Thank God he's hopefully coming back in 12 weeks' time, after my exams are done. Whoopee.

To Mellie wellie.

Just read your blog.

I feel so uber loved now.
But, don't know what happened to you today. Hope you're ok???
Miss you babe. Come to church tmr k! I'm finally free to lunch. Hopefully you are too. :)

I knew it.

It's NEVER good when he comes to Singapore for some reason.

WHAT THE HECK.

In my WHOLE entire life living in this house, I've NEVER EVER been locked out.
Mom AND Grandma have NEVER done it to me.

What in your pewny small idiotic brain makes you think that you, having been away for so long because of stupid debts and all, have the freakin right to lock me out of this house. It's not even yours. And, I don't care if you're my mom's husband or whatsoever. You don't randomly come to Singapore and discipline me like you've been doing this parenting thingy for years. In case you forgot somehow, you haven't been doing much other then adding on the burdens on the family.

So you think being back in Singapore, you can be all haughty and self-righteous and black-face and know-it-all. DREAM ON. This time it's different, I'm a lot older and independent. I'm not going to let you abuse me like how you did in the past.

YMLC pictures

Here you go Eugene, just for my brudder!
Oh yeah, I only started camming away on the last day. Can't wait to get a hold on Rulin and Pert's snaps. Yay. I LOVE pictures.
OKAY, I'm so having PMS. Extreme mood swings man.
Anyway....

Don't feel special anymore.

Am I supposed to feel okay with this kind of stuff.

Like, doing A is so hard. But option B, which is like A, seems a whole LOT more enticing and worthwhile.

I feel stressed too.
First, this person had to suggest doing a brand new song. Like, haven't we learnt enough new songs for the time being. We gotta know the limits of the band also what. Unless you can play like Hillsongs or some pro players, then yes, GO AHEAD, teach the congregation a new song EVERY SUNDAY. That'll definitely get them all excited for God while singing songs they don't know EVERY FREAKIN WEEK.
Best of all, when I just got home from school tonight, I had to receive an sms from someone else to rush me to send out the songs. With an exclamation mark somemore. Hwah. Thanks man. I totally FORGOT that I've to worship lead; I'm so bloody grateful for the gentle reminder.

YES, I KNOW I'm supposed to send out the songs. But if I didn't send em out yet, then it's probably because either
(A) I can't think of a set of songs that the whole band is fully capable or comfortable to play. Hey, I'm being bitchy here, so forgive me if I'm a bit direct. Certain people can only play certain songs yada yada.
OR
(B) I SERIOUSLY haven't had time to do it?!?!?!?! Like, give me a break. I've been coming home at 10 plus everyday since Monday and I've a whole pile of work to complete every single night. Don't get to sleep till like, what, 2 am?! And then school starts early in the morning, like, 8/9/10 am. So yeah, unless you're experiencing the same routine as me and you're still happy and satisfied with life, DO NOT FREAKIN' ORDER ME AROUND.

I feel abit weird having to post this up, but if this is the only way I can throw my temper without hurting anyone's feelings, so be it. Whatever I say stays here.

Tonight's a bad night.

YMLC.

Yippee... It's finally going to be Friday soon. Can't wait.

This whole week's been like... hell for me. Hardly have enough time to rest and do my work. I definitely need a break this weekend. Hopefully the conference's not going to be tiring.

Rooming with Rulin, Mae Yan & Jia Hui. Too bad Mel can't make it because of work. Ah well, there's always next year ya? Cheer up girl.

OMG. My head feels heavy. Like, as if I've never slept the night before.
But I did sleep.
And I woke up late. Haha.

I hate the school hols.

School hols mean my mom'll be back home.

And my mom's like, throwing her temper at me when the kids piss her off. WHAT THE HECK.
She just goes on and on and on...

Freakin' irritating.

Ka-ching,

Went to funan on saturday with mom with the initial plan to get my lappy a cooler-fan. And I bought a new puma bag; it's a plain one. But it's a nice black sling bag for school. Coolio. It's just what I wanted actually. And yes, I got the cooler-fan. It's uber cool. Like, sleek black metallic curvy tray with 2 fans. I've a picture of half my desk. Check this out. =)


Alright, don't mind the wires. They're a bit messy... For now. And yes, don't mind the toys too. My 2 lil' cousins bought them for my birthday, so I'm sorta obliged to put them on my desk for awhile. They're kinda cute anyway. I was and still am a fan of the Disney chipmunks. So they're pretty alright. Lil' Rachel bought me that green tortoise-looking toy. Really sweet of her. So that's why they're on my study-table for now. I'll figure out where to put em another time. Oh yeah, I LOVE my garfield phone. It's been with us since we stayed at the fernwood terrace condo. That was... at least a good 5-7 years? Lotsa memories. Nice and not-so-nice memories. But oh well, they're still memories. Okay, I'm starting to rant away. Moving on...

That's the uber cool black 'tray' the lappy's resting on. I love it. I guess you tend to cherish things more when you dig money out from your own pocket to pay for them. Haha.

Anyway, looks like we won't be moving anywhere soon. Mom's friend gave her false information. Apparently the balloting for HDB houses was over AGES AGO. Ha.
Dammit. I was already like, starting to picture how my room will look like. SIGH...

Was hanging out Shawn, Earl, Nate & Celeste last night after band prac in church. We were reminiscing the old times; how faaaaaaat and tooty I was (still am fat, just not THAT fat. Not sure about tooty though. Ha.), how Nate and Simon and the whole buncha guys used to make Mel cry every Sunday during Sunday school without fail (That's been the fav choice of topic whenever we spoke of the past, not sure why. Haha. Poor mel.) yada yada yada.

Time really flies huh. Ever since I reached the 20 mark, I feel old. If only I could go back to the secondary school days; everything seems a whole lot simpler. Not that I mind being who I am now. I don't exactly love the way things have been turning out for me. But I don't hate them. Just living with life. And the most important thing is, I'm happily satisfied with whatever I have now. It just scares me though, what if one day, I just lose everything, one by one? Happened to me once when I was younger. It sorta happened to me again during the teenhood. So I guess I better prepare for another one. Haha.

Okay, feelin' emo. Better stop.

Birthday card

Yup, got it from Clement. How nice right.
I mean, how often do you get friends who'll FIRSTLY, call you on your birthday to wish you well. And SECONDLY, send a birthday card all the way from overseas.

AWWWW...
How nice of him.

I'm really touched. Can't wait for him to get back in Singapore so we can hang out like how we did in the past. Oh well.

How time flies man. So many many things happened this few years. They seemed like they just took place yesterday. Gosh. I feel old now. I wonder how shitty I'll feel when I reach an age, of around, what, 27? Haha. Yup, that's Pert/Jem/Jasper's age right now.
Don't worry guys, you all are still very young at heart. Not childish. Just alright! :)