I don't know how to explain it. It's just... painful.
It's so...... unnerving.
Like, what's he up to now? Is he safe? Is he having fun? Is he coping well with the new friends he met? Is he going to like, find another girl, and realise quickly(or even immediately) that she's alot better than me?
I guess it's really easy for a girl to just wonder and imagine how things may turn out to be.
Eugene once told me about Geraldine dreaming that Sam cheated her, and the next morning when she woke up, she thought it was reality. She even messaged Sam to tell him she knows that he cheated on her and stuff like that.
We talked about this cheating thingy over Skype the last few times. It always just... Makes me feel jittery about it. Like, how he says, "You're just doing all these to piss me off right, then make me feel better about cheating on you."
I NEVER had this problem for the past few guys I went out with. Like, even Shawn P. Well, considering the relationship with him was the most serious out of the rest, I wasn't worried if he'll cheat on me; he did like this other girl for some time, but that was it. Maybe Darius set it off, I don't know.
ARGH.
But I'm glad I prayed about it today.
Whatever that's destined to come will just come. I can't stop it.
Even if things go bad, I just have to swallow it down and get on with life, right? Right.
Not my will but His be done.
If I've to go through life with this happening again and again, what can I say? It's my life path.
See, Mel? It's not that I want all these things to keep happening to me. They just come.
Spiritual attacks on the rise. Don't know why it's happening. PJ keeps saying that it's because I'm growing closer to God. Maybe she's right. I've been talking more often to God, even in broad daylight.
Well, I guess right now, the only one I can trust is Him.
Unfortunately, the world doesn't seem full of rainbows and colourful flowers anymore.
I've been noticing alot more sad things going on. Like, I always wince when I see old people staggering down the road, or like, they'll walk with a limp. I wished I could do something for that. But I can't.
Abit random la this post. But sometimes I wished I was a different person. A different name, a different look, a different personality, a different family background. But I want to retain my talents. Ha. Playing the piano's good, I like that. And my friends too. Love them to bits.
Or maybe it'll be better to turn back time. Not make the same mistakes I did. As much as I want to say, "No, I don't regret doing the things I did. My life turned out the way it is, and I accept that.", I wished I did some things differently.
I thought I healed. Self-denial I guess? Sometimes I just feel... Worthless and pathetic. Pathetic in terms of loser kind of pathetic.
OMG. I was like, quite optimistic the whole day today. And now, I'm so bloody emotional about everything!
Okay, think happy thoughts Diana. Think happy thoughts.
