Remember the duck.

I love humper. So this story of the duck is even more meaningful for me. :)
It's an awwww story.

There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target.
Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner.

As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head and killed it. He was shocked and grieved! In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.

After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes." But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen." Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes. Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper."
Sally just smiled and said, "Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help," She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help. After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's, he finally couldn't stand it any longer.

He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck. Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you."

One meal a day.

Just had another practice for The West Wing. Super duper duper duper tired right now. Like, I feel like a lump of flesh lazy to even move from one spot to another. Can't believe it's going to end soon. Time passed pretty quickly these few weeks. THANKFULLY.

But it's been fun. Played all sorts of music. Which is really cool. And this band is pretty cool too. :) Wayne suggested jamming once in a while after this production ends. But Conan's leaving for overseas to pursue his degree. Ah well. :) But I'm really glad to know these 2 new guys. Guitarists as humble as them are rare these days.

OMIDEGOSH. I've 2 deadlines this week. How dreadful. BLARGH.

The first song I want to learn if I ever learn how to play the guitar.

True.

OMG. It's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sweet.
Not that it's the first time I heard it. It's just so... meaningful at this point of time.
SIGH.

I'm a sucka for guys who can play acoustic and sing nicely to a nice song. Like true. SIGH. Of course I'm not referring to all the guys on earth la. If guys like Kevin W/Sam T/Ruperto/Jasper can do that (actually I think they know how to), I'll be like, "Wheeee. I've talented friends! Yay!"

Anyway, bottomline. I'll be uber uber uber uber uber uber happy if Fabian can do that.
Wayne and Conan make it seem like an easy feat. Maybe cause they're professionals. That's why they're paid to play for the performance as well. Haha.

I'm window-shopping online again.

Not that I've anything in mind to get. I mean, I wanted this lil brown bag. But it'll be cheaper if I just bought it directly from the Singapore outlet.

OH. That MNG office style bag is up for grabs on eBay again. Fantastic!!!

I'm feeling exhausted. The comfy bed's just right beside me. But I feel unwilling to go to sleep. Despite the headache and body clock alarm going off. I think it's some kind of illness. Like, the unwilling-to-sleep disease. I don't know. Maybe it's just because I miss Fabian.

But his phone battery is flat. And he's only going to be back in Sheffield at 9 pm (UK timing). Hahahahahahaha. What can I say. My luck this week is horrendously down.

Anyhoo, the end of thursday is an extreme relief. I finally got the dialogue with that weird guy over and done with. I will just strangle myself if I've to work with him again for the official practical exam. Seriously. If Liting can say that he's weird, he's definitely out-of-this-world weird.

Thailand trip may be called off. Which is a lil disappointing. But oh well. It's like tentative. Neither here nor there. I hate this kinda middle-of-nowhere situation. It's so.... undecided. And I get kinda irritated by this kinda circumstances. However, because his mom said so, I will thus be at peace and be okay with it. Respect your elders, more so your boyfriend's parents.

I've been really bogged down about my appearance lately. Weight, to be specific. I have put on unnecessary mass. But the thing is, I've cut down so much, including supper and eating less. And I've only lost 2 miserable kg. I want to become anorexic. So I can lose all the fat I need to lose. And thus be less conscious of my weight and my body shape. Then at least people will stop making fun of me. And I'll stop making fun of myself for being fat. And I'd rather be made fun of just because I'm thin.

WHAT THE HECK AM I THINKING.

It's definitely not going to happen. Because firstly, I cannot not eat. I love sushi. And pizza. And salads. And pancakes. And scrambled eggs. Yada yada. And secondly, I know I'll get dumped immediately by you-know-who once I've symptoms of anorexia. Of all reasons to get dumped. Then again, I think that'll be a better reason than the cheating on either party reason.

So yup, there we have it. The conclusion. I will never become anorexic. And thus, I will remain this way forever more. Fat. Blah.

Unless I become uber rich in the near future when I start working and I'll go get a plastic surgeon to perform liposuction on me.

Ew. Gross.

Supposed to be studying.

I haven't studied for a test which is held the next afternoon. And the feeling sucks. But even with the books and notes beside me, I can't find the motivation to bring em over to me to start flipping through and just read till I doze off. I'll do it as soon as I'm done with this, I think.

Today's been pretty fruitful. I finally understand why some people say you can have TS cliques. We really do get pretty close to one another, for some odd reason. Maybe cause we've seen pretty much the worse of all our practical mates. But it does feel warm and nice whenever I see them in lectures, tutorials or practicals. Like, although we only see one another during these lessons, it just feels at peace. Like, yay. No more hostility feeling unlike other lectures, where it's like, every man for himself.

Apparently there's going to be some news crew who'll be coming during our production practice during the afternoon. News crew. Hopefully it's not some cheena crew. Like, Lianhe Zaobao. Cause although the script is translated from some opera show (if I'm not wrong), everything else is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO westernised. Like, hello. Hell bells by ACDC is one of the songs during the show. Definitely not oriental. Hopefully its like The New Paper people at least, if the director's so keen on advertising.

But anyhoo, as much as I love the band and the production people, I just want this whole thing to be over and done with. It's draining my energy and life. The last thing I want to happen is to have my grades suffer again, because my laziness is brought to a higher level due to a tiring commitment.

I finally released all my frustration and helplessness last night, which led to awesomely-swollen eyes this morning when I woke up. But I felt so feeling-less. Like, emotionally-empty, numb.

Tonight's different, thank goodness. Maybe it's the dinner with Ruperto, Sam and Doris. I felt more humane. Like I do have a life. And. I'm just glad that it's Wednesday. Despite it being a test-day. Having the special someone out of reach due to lousy technology for almost a week really is saddening; it's sad enough that he's million of miles away to begin with.

Watching Facing The Giants on saturday in church was fantastic and blargh. Fantastic because it's encouraging and touching. Blargh because it's like a prep video. Now, I'm in a situation whereby I have this whole pile of shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat on me. And I'm not going to get out of it anytime soon. This time I didn't ask why, which is good. Shows that I've grown a lil more. *pat on the shoulder*

Obligation.

Without Dad around, then everytime after service Mom'll be alone. As much as I want to like, go with the churchies for lunch and then hang out, I don't feel good. I wish I had a Singaporean dad. Makes things way simpler. Oh well. No such thing as simple for a life like mine.

Recently, I've been going out with Mom for lunches. It's not that bad, really. Firstly, I don't need to pay. Secondly, the time spent with her is kinda productive. Like, we'll talk about school, life, food, idiotic people etc etc. But now I feel awkward and out of place with the Youth people. Just standing outside the sanctuary with them makes me feel oddball-ish. Like, I feel unlikable. Recently, I feel that people don't like hanging out with me. Maybe I did something to offend/irritate them. Afterall, humans are pretty judgemental. I'm one myself very often, so I don't blame them. I'm just glad that I've still some friends around to make me feel a little comfortable.

Things have been pretty stressful. Tuitions, production practices, schoolwork, revision work. Overall it's just the monthly scheduling for my own work/life that keeps me uber tensed sometimes. Oh yes, and the self-financial planning too. It's hard to save up when you don't have much to begin with. I mean, yes, I have several tuitions and stuff. When you add everything up, and minus stuff like food, transport, extra expenses on occasions like cabbing, more food, daily essentials. It's hard to get money out of moms. So I'll have to depend on myself if I need to spend extra money on necessities. But I must say I feel extremely thankful that I'm still alive, eating well (the fat issue aside) and a shelter over my head.

Was just telling my mom how I wish I was rich during my 20s instead of childhood. Haha. Wishful thinking. I know I was well-provided/protected/fed when I was kid. Thing is, I can't really remember alot of happy stuff. I remember things like the family tiffs and the caning more. Haha.

Life's been tough. But I guess I'll live through it. I am pretty sure this won't kill me. The most my grades for this semester will suck again. That would really make this year horrigible.

It's kinda true. I've never really thought about it this way, but like, how would I know if we're still together till August? Planning for a trip like this is kinda risky I guess? But oh well, already arranged it with his mother. So can't really back out now. And I don't want to. Haha. Not that I feel extremely confident of the relationship. But yeah, I trust God. I know sometimes I seem like I don't trust you. But I am trying to put action into words. Just don't put me in the worst circumstances that will really test my patience, okie? Cause that will be defined as taking advantage of the situation and ill-treatment.

2 tuitions. 1 piano lesson. Band prac. Movie night. Yay. Fun-filled saturday. Notice that there's no homework/revision scheduled into Saturday's timetable. HAHA.

It was supposed to be a good morning.

But I was aggravated.

With a picture and an imagination that is uncontrollable.
Oh well, blame my stupid mind.
And I don't want to throw any tantrums. Cause I did promise that I wouldn't.
So now I'm just feeling horrible cause I've to keep it inside.

Of all things to happen.

So darn emo.

The moment I started typing this entry, I saw the notice that someone with the nick "so darn emo" came online to msn. How accurate.

I don't know if I'm feeling emo right now. But I'm definitely feeling pretty down.

Feel a lil bad about ps-ing Pert after the whole retreat ended. I could've gone with him to church to help him carry the stuff back. Sms-ed him but I didn't get a reply. Oh wellies.

I feel kinda off-ish hanging out with the people I used to hang out with. Mostly the guys I guess. Girls are fine... I think. Haha. Anyhoo. Maybe I just don't fit in. I'm quite a strange character since young. Like, sometimes I can be uberishly outgoing. And sometimes, I'll just go extremely quiet and seemingly anti-social. I think I gotta fix myself.

Today's retreat was pretty cool. We were fed with food and drinks every 2-3 hours. Team-building activities weren't conventional and boring, which is tremendously fantastic. But I did doze off during Pastor Edmund's sermon at night. I was a lil shagged out already. It has really been a long day. Being challenged by the guest speaker to express my feelings through piano was tough. As in, if I was in the contemporary/youth services, I can do it cause I know no one's looking at me except God. But this time, the speaker put his hands on the keyboard and asked me to it. Like, JUST DO IT. Without any start-up or heads-up, or whatever you call it. But on the whole, learnt a lot about serving and worshipping. I know this will definitely sound freakish to those who aren't christians. I don't blame you guys. I would think that it's weird too if I were one of you. Like Earl said, we may seem freaky to people, but we only care about His opinion. Easier said than done.

Well, it was a long, mentally exhausting, emotional roller-coaster ride. Pretty physically-demanding too, since I had to set up stuff here and there, and take off stuff, and wake up at 6 am in the morning despite talking to Fabian till 2 plus am.

Wanted to tell you this statement that Pastor Rupert mentioned during his session, "God brings us through trials only because He wants us to see how good He really is." Bottomline, trials are good. It's only when man is completely desperate for help, that he turns to God without any qualms. Then when God shows how impossible things become possible, man experiences for himself the REAL power of God. Amazing eh? Yeah, this is kinda beyond human comprehension. Then again, who are we to say that it doesn't make sense. We're only humans; we're not that intelligent, really. We think we are, but we're not.

I think, I'm feeling pretty brood-ish. And sad, for reasons I can't figure out and I won't, cause it drains too much energy out of me. How I wish you were around to just hear me whine and just grunt it out. I mean, I wasn't expecting you to. But definitely looking forward to seeing you as always. Besides, I was around when you were grunting and sighing and wts-ing for the past few days. Not too demanding of me to think that you'd be around, and do the same for me right?

Saying mushy three-word sentences isn't going to help me feel better. You're unconventional. Surely you can think of something more original. Now this time, I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I mean, asking me the question of uncomfortable-ness again and again won't help either. Like, if I say no, then you'll conclude that I'm lying and I'm still grumpy. If I say yes, then you'll just say, "But you know I won't blah blah blah." Asking me the question is redundant to begin with. What're you going to do, leave those 2 girls and go home straight? I'm pretty sure you wouldn't do that for anything.

It's just unfortunate that when I really need someone to just hear me talk it out, that someone ends up being someone else. Coincidental? I don't know. It happened a few times already. Not that I'm complaining. At least I've someone to be there for me when I do need one, thank God. Whatever it is, I'm just glad I didn't yell at you. I was probably too tired to. Or maybe it's just a sign of resignation.

Oooh well. Churchy tmr. And then another dreadful week. My timetable is crazy. Everything's clashing cause of the stupid tuition kiddos' indecisiveness. I just want this term to be over. And then I can go Aussie. Get a good break. And maybe go to Thailand, with mom. Not that I've plenty of money to waste, but I just want this year to be a good one. At least a better one than the last 20 years I've had.

Constipation.

It's embarrassing how you've to tell so many people that you've gone to the doctor cause of constipation. Man... First my IT project group. Next my theatre studies practical teacher. Lastly my course clique. HA HA HA. What a fulfilling day it is.

And I've to go take my weight and height (for record purposes) in front of everyone present at the clinic. They put the weight machine at this prominent spot. And I've to TELL the woman my weight. WAH LAU. How I wish I was anorexic just for that 1 minute. Hahahahaha.

Anyhoo. Back to dieting.

I've been fasting for the past weeks. Close to a month I think. But gradually or very occasionally, I tend to not recall or have in mind what I'm doing it for. I'll be thinking more of the number of hours left I've got. Sigh. Time to start over this whole thing.

It's amazing how you read a book years back, and when you read it again now, you'll be asking yourself, "Really?! I read all these and I don't remember a thing? Shiat. This sucks."

OKIE! New wishlist item!!! A vintage camera with my name on it! HAHAHA! Check it out.

Ooh ooh! And the bag too! So cute!

Can't wait to get the cammy. Then I can go around Singapore to take my PICTURES. Yippee-di-doo-da!

And yes, Singapore does have fabulous places to travel to and appreciate the vintage-ness of it all. Mel has shown me really cool places where she and Joe went in the past. Never really had the interest till recently. Digicams are getting too perfect. And digital. Haha. Human nature- We're never satisfied with anything we have or already accomplished.

Okay. Ray and Fabian aren't helping in my slip-ons options. Super confusing. HAHAHA! Havaianas OR Birkenstocks. ARGH. You know what. Thankfully Ray mentioned about Aussie. I'll just get the Havaianas from there. Yippee! I still feel sore over the whole incident of Ernest-buying-a-pair-for-me-but-the-size-fits-Mom-better. Damn man. HAHA. Oh well. Sucky things happen.

Another day went by...

And I'm still as slack as ever.
TSK TSK TSK.

I've to go watch a play.... Like, soon. Or else, my critique is done for. But it's so weird watching with people whom I don't know at all. The only reason why I may go with them is because they're all taking the same module as me. BUT STILL. Aiyo. I think I'll ask Wan Ling to go with me. The tics are pretty affordable anyway. :) Yipee!

Loads of readings to do....................... YUCK.
Actually projects are more fun. Hmmm. Maybe next semester I shall take up modules with projects that have higher weightage. I think I tend to do better with projects. :):):)

It's the first time I'm watching a korean drama without english subtitles. WOW. I actually recognise some of the speech they make. HO HO HO. I shall go Korea soon. Yay!

OH OH OH. I'm going to Australia. Think it's confirmed. Mom is 'taking leave' from babysitting the 2 brats. 2 weeks over there, half of the trip taken up by the conference. Hmmm. 1 week only for travelling and stuff. I wonder if it's enough. SIGH. Oh well. I think Clement'll be in Singapore anyway, so not many people to visit. But I'm thinking of getting a holga cam before I go over.

Actually the trip has nothing to do with the holga cam. But I saw one at Parkway. Thinking of getting it. The digicam is getting a lil boring. But I don't think it's wise to get those big huge Canon cams, cause it's too much of an investment, for now that is. So I guess a holga will do.
Or should I just save up and get the huge kinds? Hmmmm.

Wait. I think I've to save up for the UK trip next year. ARGH. I almost forgot.
OMG. Hong Kong trip how. WAHAHAHA. No shopping for the rest of this year?!?!?!?!
But I definitely am going to get a pair of Havaianas. The slippers I have right now are making me slip all the time. Super scary can. Oh, and I need an umbrella. Stupid rainy weather these days. And maybe some rubber boots. I hate those water splashing on my calves when I walk. Yuck yuck yuck. Maybe I should take out the boots I got from Hong Kong. Where are they anyway?! Haha.

Things I've to start doing right away (or at the very least, this week):
1. Write a song.
2. Practice for the production songs
3. Revision for the IT module's mid-sem test
4. Project research
5. Start doing my work and be less lazy.

SHIAT. So many things to do, so little time. Aiyayayayayayayayaya!
Ok, get a grip.

Busyness.

It has finally settled in. Like, the stewpid busy schedule is starting to take effect. SIGH. Thank goodness it's just mondays-fridays.

The only thing I'm looking forward to the end of the month is ka-ching. HAHA.

But after this month's over, my exams will be just around the corner. (Omg. It rhymes! Haha.)
Oh shiat. Time passes so quickly. It's already MARCH.

BUT, 3 more months!!! Yippee! ^_______^

Got my hair cut.

Yay.

But I think they raised the price or sth.
OH WELL.

Turning 21 has no significance for me huh? Yup. Thanks.

I really want to thank God.

Like, seriously, anything that can go wrong went wrong the whole entire day.

1. The morning started off being so cold and gloomy and rainy.

2. I was late for school.

3. I had to wait for a cab in the rain.
BUT, there was this cab driver who just finished his breakfast at the hawker stall downstairs my block.

4. My presentation went a lil awry, cause the tutor said our headings were a lil irrelevant.
BUT, I was able to answer the necessary questions. I think.

5. I was paired up with this guy who speaks with this breathy voice only when he's doing a dialogue thingy during the theatre studies practical. As in, his normal voice, is normal. So it's just weird and funny how he cannot control his voice while performing.
BUT, the teacher was impressed with our progress on our dialogue stuff. Which is really a relief.

6. I realised during my lunch break (which is VERY VERY rare on a thurs. I've lessons all the way through from 11 to 6.) that I forgot to bring my calculator for the economics test at 6.30. RIGHTO.

7. My mechanical pencil ran out of lead in the midst of the economics MCQ shading test. I was sooooooooooo desperate that I had to hold the freakin' lead with my thumb and index finger to shade the circles. OMIDEGOSH.
BUT anyhoo, the test turned out pretty alright. Fingers crossed, I may do alright. But then again, there's always this screwed up results distribution bell curve to worry about. 1200 students took the economics test. RIGHT.

Yup. The most interesting day I had so far this year, I think.

But I had to end it. Or, more accurately, start the next morning with an extreme tinge of irritation just by one action. Gosh. Can I be any more sensitive than this? Wish I had less feelings. So I won't be affected by small stuff. But I guess I can't help it. As much as I want to just be nice and ignore it, it's hard to swallow sometimes. Especially if it happens ever so frequently.

OMG OMG OMG OMG.

I want to strangle him.

Oh well.

Just did this mock test before the official Econs test on thurs. SHIAT MAN.
I'm so dead.

I wish I knew how to drink coffee. I mean. I never take iced coffee cause it's too bitter, let alone hot coffee. Sugar doesn't help; maybe I just don't like the after-taste. The smell's really nice though. I feel happier when I step into Starbucks. The smell is kinda soothing and calming.

Other coffee stuff like mocha and stuff give me bad stomach problems after drinking em. That's why I always end up getting either hot tea or fruity iced drinks at all those coffee places. Ah well. I think if I knew how to drink coffee, I'll probably be able to stay up and be more alert to study. HAHAHAHA. Sure.

For now.

My calendar of events has been stabilised. As in, everything fits in pretty well. SO...

I'm happy!

The only sucky thing is that exams are just around the corner. Damn.

And I'm still korean drama-ing. Damn me.

I'm broke-ded.

I need my money back. :(

Anyhoo. Daniel G was right. Watch your diet and you'll lose some lard. I've cut down on supper hanging-out. Haha. And I resort to just drinking instead of eating the tissue prata. Dammit. Tissue prata is damn shiok can. So is carrot cake. And chicken wings. SIGH. Oh wellies.

The mid-sem break is ending in 2 days. Shiat. This week wasn't very productive revision-wise. I definitely slacked alot. But at least I did the necessary work for projects and reports and presentation. Which is quite alot of work already. Hopefully this Sunday's mugging-out will help me make up for the week's slackness. :)

The Dad just went back. Sigh. I miss his tea. Everyday he'll make a cuppa for me and just put it on my table. Oh, it's sugarless. So it's a little bitter and all. But it tastes pretty good. Like, tea makes me feel at peace. And healthy, cause it's not like Bubble tea (with motherload of sugar and other stuff which I don't know about.) Heh. Shiat man. Forgot to ask him where that tea leaves are. Dammit. I can't go make it myself. But anyhoo, I think I'll be too lazy to make a point to make a pot of tea every single day. Heh.

MARCH IS GONNA BE A BUSY MONTH! Oh yay. I took up the piano job thingy. Well, it's not exactly a job. But it's like, a role (that will be paid) in this production Liting is in charge of. And I'm going to be playing in the band, with like lead guitar and all. Hmmm. According to the email, Jesher's going to play the drums. Has he been playing drums? I thought (I still do think) that he stopped playing altogether after selling his drums and not playing for the Youth service and all. I wonder........ Anyway, hopefully this band will work out okay. I don't want to sound bad in my 1st try in piano-ing outside church. Heh. It's all about the pride and reputation man. :)

I just realised how broken this whole entry is. Like, complete randomness of events put together with no cohesiveness. Oh well.