Ba rum pum pum pum. (UH... Not sure if the spelling's right. Oh heck.)

Everything generally is looking good. So far.
It's kinda on the other extreme end of happiness as compared as to my down-ness for the past day/s.

But I'm really glad things went pretty alright-ly yesterday.

I want this whole pms thing to be over. Like, maybe some medication will help.

Dear God,

I wish I can actually see the future. So if there are any hurts ahead, I can actually go divert into another path to prevent being knocked out by them.

I trust you. So I'm just going to put this into Your hands. If it's going to turn bad, please just remind me that it'll just make me stronger and wiser in life. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

I feel so lost. I'd hate to be so pessimistic. But that's the way I am. Sorry God. Forgive me.

I got a new name for you.

Dodobird.

Happy?

Why's that woman so random sometimes. Linking my studies results to my sleep. Yep, rub it in. Make it seem I really didn't put in effort at all for my studies. Thanks mom. You're the most amazingly understanding woman I've ever met.

WHAT THE SHIT.

I want to just punch him and walk out of the house with my stuff. Stewpid shitass.

Christmas eve is over! Christmas is here!

Merry christmas too ALL!

Went for a christmas eve dinner gathering @ Lucas'. It was soooo hard to get there. It didn't help that I was in a quite a shitty mood. I think God was making me walk a bit to cool down first before I reach Lucas' place. Made a few new friends. Got a funny buncha people tonight. Thank goodness. Haha. Ate, talked, played drinking games (water/alcohol), played wii and ate a bit more, AND we took loads of pictures. We had three cams, so we took different pictures with all the 3 cams... Which is very cool!

Felt as if I pangsehed Eug they all. But then again, they didn't go simpang. Gabe's house is pretty out of the way. Walking out to civilisation from his house is scary and strenous. Haha. I wished I had that thing Hermoine had in the Prisoner of Azkaban movie; it would definitely reduce my high chances of pissing people off. It felt weird leaving the party halfway, and I haven't seen those friends for quite a while. And on the other hand, the other gabe thingy sounds pretty fun too. Oh well. And Jasper's kind invitation too!

ANYWAY. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE! It's a good day to remember. Everything is supposed to be happy happy on Christmas day... Or so I hope. :)

ARGH!

It's not a matter of making it up. The point is that I'm really pissed off.

Can't believe I actually stayed up till so late. Shouldn't have baked the brownies. Have a feeling they'll probably end up in the dustbin or something.

And I thought Christmas eve was going to be fun. :(

Valuable lesson.

There'll always be someone out there better than you.

You just got to learn how to be self-satisfied to some extent and yet strive for more in a healthy sorta way.

Gosh, life's such a troublesome thing really.

Alright, maybe I'm too tired so I'm a bit random and weird in this entry. Sleeping time!

I'm utterly utterly broke.

Tuition fees don't help much this time around, since I didn't really have the time to tutor the kids this month. And I spent quite a bit of money on some nice stuff. And for granny's chalet too. DAMN.

I think I'll have to live on bread and water. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Then again... I don't think I've that much will to literally do that. If I did, I wouldn't be as fat as how I am right now. Dammit.

She can be a bitchy troublesome confusing person sometimes. Idiotic. And because I'm of a 'lower rank', I have to listen and give in to her never-ending crappiness. And I just realised how fickle-minded and undecisive she is.

Oh well. It's the christmas season now. Must learn how to love anyone and everyone. -_-

3 more days!!!! Alright, it's already past 12. 2 more days. Yay. Can't wait. But I think the meeting for the first time after quite a long period of separation will be pretty awkward. Ah well. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Under attack.

I feel like there's this battle going on in my mind the whole time for the last few days. Been thinking too much about stuff, maybe.

But I feel boring all of a sudden. Like, when I hang out with people one-on-one, I feel like I'm boring the crap out of em. Even in a group, I can hardly find myself to talk much these days. Sigh.

Just prayed that God'll give me the strength to settle this problem. It's really affecting me; I'd feel really down or something out of the blue. Makes matters worse in some occasions.

I wish I was more sociable. I wish I was more simple-minded. I wish I feel happier doing simple things like just walking down an empty but quietly peaceful road. I wish I can just smile at the slightest thing that crosses my path. Cause at this point of time, I don't really like the way I am now.

As much as I appreciate the gift of playing the piano, I wish I can do much more. I don't know how to describe it, but I feel like I can do better.

Maybe recently I feel friendless or something. Like, this sudden inferiority complex thingy pops out of nowhere. Maybe it's the weight issue. Haha. Or maybe it's the studies. SIGH.

I wish I know why I'm acting so weird, so at least I can get rid of the root problem and start acting like a normal person.

9 more days.........

Anyhoo. The Golden Compass was pretty good. Too bad I had to miss Shepherd's pie at Gab's place for that movie. AH WELL.

Piano lessons.

Just spoke to this Alina lady. She sounds nice. Hopefully she isn't as abusive as my past piano teacher. Heh.

YAY!!!! Finally. I'm going to start learning new stuff again. Yippee.

Had swedish meatballs and chicken wings at Ikea last night. I like...

The night ended very funnily. Hopefully Jasper doesn't do it again. HAHA!

These few weeks before Christmas are going pretty well. Been hanging out alot with the church peeps. Hope I can meet Grace and our two boys soon. Wonder if our Cambodia trip is still on. Haha.

It's going to be fun-packed Christmas this year, I hope. Have a chalet thingy coming up this weekend till tuesday with the family people. Drinking party. WOOHOO! But my dad'll be around. So I've a feeling the cousins are going to sneak out to drink somewhere else outside the chalet. Looks like they are preparing quite a collection. Hope I don't do anything stupid in front of them. Or else I'll just die under their humiliation for the next ten years.

Shopping trip with mom, dad and granny's confirmed. We're going Christmas shopping next week. Yay. Then I can get the presents for my friends and friends and friends. And I can get new clothes too. This year's Christmas service has a theme for the onstage people. We've to wear autumn colours. A lil' weird, but at least better than the normal red/green/white/blue/black code. :)

Looks like this Christmas is going to be the best... For now. :)

Monday was FUN.

I went to THE ZOO.

Cool stuff. The weather was mother-horrible though. It really sucks when we didn't have any umbrellas. And it was freakin' freezing. Clement acted as if it was normal though. Weird aussie people. HAHA!

We came across this gig thingy at the Esplanade. A duo using only guitars to play songs from genres like bossa nova and gypsy stuff. They even did a boyzone song "When You Say Nothing At All". Damn old-school. But they were pretty good.

We went to the top-floor to catch some scenery of Singapore.

Tada!

We ended up at the spot where a group of youngsters were filming. Gosh. No lighting. Only a video-recorder with 2 directors and 2 people trying to act like a couple. Now I understand why most Singaporeans can't act. They don't speak well to begin with. Damn. How would an actor sound good with a singlish accent. I was damn close to telling the girl that she should just let another girl replace her. GOSH. ONE simple scene of saying I love you and shit like that and they had so many NGs. Maybe I was just being anal. BUT ANYHOO.

I did promise God that I'll stop bitching about anyone. This bad habit'll take a long time to beat.
Oh yeah, someone prophesied for me on Sunday. Doesn't really answer my question though. Was hoping He'll give me a more direct answer as to whether training is needed before teaching people. Sigh. Directions directions. But oh well, at least I got some kind of clue.

I'm broke. Spent a wee too much for the past few days, especially today and that shopping day. And payweek's only next week. DAMMIT.

SIGH.

I made a terrible mistake today. Dammit. Wish I can find it somewhere else.

Going to the zoo in.... 2 days. YAY! Finally. Asked so so so so many people to go with me. Finally, someone is so so so so nice to go with me. You rock, Clement. Haha.

I was just reflecting on the past year's events like, a few minutes ago. Man, this year really kinda sucked. Made so many bloody mistakes. Wished I could rewind and undo them. Because of these mistakes, they're going to be the banes of my life. Not that I can't try to get over them, but it's hard to when your friends somehow remind you of them.

I just don't understand why the people who aren't even involved in the incidents I went through just enjoy making use of them to 'tease' me. Not funny lor.

Oh yeah. I met Nash at taka just now. I think he saw me. But Eugene kinda helped me to shake him off. I was just trying to walk as far as possible without freaking out. Actually, I was abit stoned for awhile. Fortunately, Eugene shaked me out of it. Thank you, Eug. The last thing I want to happen is that he comes over to me and say hi. I seriously, seriously, want him out of my life. Told PJ and Jasper before, it'll be even better off if he dies or something. Evil of me to say that. But seriously. This shows how much I really hate anything that's related to him; even the mention of his name pisses me off.

Note to self: Learn how to be bo-chap. Don't tahan.

Feel better now!

After breakfast at macs...

And lunch at Swensens...

Concern from some babes...

Everything's fine now. At least the human problem's settled. :)

Now I just got to see what's going to the other lil problem. SIGH.

I want to just go die.

Too much pain to bear.

And my eyes are swollen and wet.

My jaw's hurting for some freakin weird reason.

Oh what the heck.

Ogre-claus.

For those who just can't wait for Christmas to come...

Here's a 20-minute Shrek-The-Halls video clip to enjoy. Heh.

http://v.youku.com/v_show/id_cc00XMTI1ODkyMDA=.html


Roller-blading later w a few church homies. Finally, the start of operation-lose-weight.

Les miserables.

Talking to Jingjing just made me more confused. Not that she's not helping. At least now I realise the full fledge of the pros and cons.

But it's tough to drop the bomb if I have to. And even now, it's hard to pretend everything is alright. In the past, if I was upset, it'll be so obvious, since I always pull a long face all the time. But now, things are different. Circumstances are not the same.

It's either I lower it. Or I break it. Never had a situation where all three sides/options are miserable. At a standstill where I am now, it already hurts like crap. Like, seriously, it hurts.

If only there's a fourth way out of this. It'll definitely be better than the three options I'm offering myself now.

I couldn't sleep (Or you can also say I didn't dare to.) till past 6 am when I could see the slight break of the morning. It's getting tougher and tougher to just switch off the lights and go to sleep. The iPod doesn't help anymore. Humper and Kaw kaw can never let me feel secure and safe as before. I've never felt this affected by it. I wish God can just let me see His angels surrounding me while I sleep in His arms. I wish I wasn't, really. But I'm scared.

I am.

It was a good camp. :)





Soft spot soft spot go away.... :/

Just re-watched The Curse of The Golden Flower.

On mio tv.

And I just woke up around 2-3 hours ago. But I feel shittified. Like, that sick feeling in the stomach. Maybe I'm falling sick.

Oh well. At least Clement's coming back tonight! Supper time. :)

I suddenly had this urge to listen to a chinese song. So got Wang Lee Hom's song. After Ron asked me to find out the title of this song which we heard last night while passing by a music cd shop. Sigh. His voice is soothing. But I need some other form of therapy to feel better. Shopping? Facial? Manicure? Massage? I wish I could do them all. Haha. I wish I was rich enough. Heh.

:(

I feel so disappointed.
Don't even know how to express this in words.

Sigh. Whatever la.

Exams are over.

I feel happy that it's over, really. It's like, a burden off my chest.

But I feel lost. Like, I'm directionless. Sure, I'm in an university pursuing a degree. But there's definitely something more to life than just studying to get a good-paying job to pay for my ever-growing life expenses. Sigh. I don't know. Just wished God will just tell me what the heck is going on right now.

Youth camp just ended. It was pretty fun. Used a dead frozen chicken to play captain's ball. Sadistic, but oh well, it's pretty original. Honestly, I didn't really get to learn much. It's more of me giving for this youth camp. But all in all, I'm glad I went for it.

And I'm super exhausted. Worship-leading tmr somemore. HAHA. Fantastic la.
But this week's been pretty exciting - exams, youth camp blah blah blah.

I'm finally going swimming soon. Hols for now. WOOHOO!!!!

I promise you.

If you ever, SERIOUSLY, EVER mention that Nash word in front of me, or make some stupid joke about me to entertain people, don't expect me to be nice and laugh along.

There's always a limit to everything, my dear friend. And now, it isn't even funny anymore.

And I've been tolerating long enough, you idiot. The next time I'm just going to slap your face and walk off.

Time passed pretty quickly today.

Woke up at 7-ish to study. Took a few breaks now and then... Cooked my own lunch. Studied and studied and studied.

And poof! It's already 11pm. Gosh. I just want these exams over and done with. Who said that university after 'A' levels is relaxing. Freakin' liars. It gets worse, cause you have irritating buggers like the China scholars who come here to get FULL As for their exams blah blah blah. Spoil market only. Not that we Singaporean students are getting dumber. The competition is just pushing us off the edge. Of course they'll do much better than us right. All they do here is study. We, on the other hand, have a social life. Most of us, that is. HAHA.

Alright, I'm not really that bitter about them. I'm just brain-fried now, so I just wanted to let off some steam.

Youth Camp's just round the corner. Leading worship this coming Sunday. But my voice is in a worser state than it has already been in. My voice isn't that nice to begin with, and this weird cracky addition just makes me want to pull out that imaginary voicebox in my throat. Dammit.

But of course, I still trust God has His plans. Fingers crossed, everything will turn out just fine.
Yup. That's the spirit. Now I feel so much better. ^____^ Time to sleep.

Not asleep yet.

This is getting harder to deal with by the day.

(I am such a bitch.)

I wish I was on a Ferris Wheel.

The ferris wheel in Singapore is uber unromantic. There's already some stupid booking list that has reservations that stretch all the way till next year or something. The Ferris Wheel hasn't even started operating yet, you KIASUs.

Everytime Singapore comes up with something really cool or romantic or modern (just put any positive adjective to that), Singaporeans just LOVE to destroy that elegant image. Like, the esplanade. It looks nice, until someone called it the DURIAN. Gosh. How classy is THAT. I know it's funny, but STILL.

(Have no idea where all this patriotism comes from. But anyway, I've always loved Singapore... For its food and safety. Heh. ^__^)

We had a surprise thingy for Celeste's birthday. It's in advance. The dinner was alright. The food was alright. But poor Mae, Ter and Ron. They were freezing their asses off I think. Heh. Oh, and the lighting sucks. So my cam flash was UBER bright. Note that in usual daylight, the flash is already bright enough to irritate people. So the pictures turned out pretty bad. Sam said my cam sucks. No, it doesn't suck. The environment sucks. (Of course I'll be defensive of my cam. How long has it been with me; of course I'll have emotional feelings for it. Anyone bitch about my cam again, I'll punch you. Heh.)

I'm supposed to wake up in about 4-5 hours' time to study. So I think I better stop typing. Getting too hyper. Hopefully later when I wake up, I'll be happy and ready-to-study. If I'm all grumpy, then I'll probably be deadmeat, cause I'll probably not be able to study. SIGH. Can't wait for the 29th!!!!

And the 3rd.

And the 23rd.

And the 25th.

And the 30th.

Alright. That's about it I think.

Parachute band conference

I've just found the C.U.T.E.S.T keyboardist in the history of christian music, at the conf.

And I spoke to him. Muahahahahaha. Boy, is he talented. Jazz degree.

Oh well. And he's only 23.

*gush gush gush*

Not exactly the best picture taken. But hey, it was a candid shot. :)

Signs.

"I know the plans I have for you."

It is assuring, really.

After SOOOOO long, You've finally spoken to me. Thank You.

So I guess it doesn't really matter if I fail French... Right. HAHA.

Whilst the lil studying I did today, I was just day-dreaming about what's going to happen after I get a honours degree (fingers crossed).
It'll be nice if I can get a job. But it'll be even nicer if that job can be on hold (reserved just for me) for a year. Cause I want to go have an internship at the Hillsongs college thingy. Or even the Parachute internship thingy. To fully devote it to God, learn how to use my gifts better for Him, and when I come back, be equipped enough to teach the younger ones who will eventually go much further than me.

But the question is, can I actually bring myself to do that? Leave everyone and everything behind. The BIGGER question is, which company will be EVER so nice to leave a job on hold just for me?

Sigh. I can dream about it for ages, but at the end of the day, it's probably just wishful thinking. And the funny thing about God for me - Whatever I dream about never happens. Sometimes, I feel scared of even dreaming about something, cause I know, I'll never get it at the end of the day.

It's sad. I can't even dream about something which I wish/want to happen, in fear that it may not become reality.

I failed my French test.

By a mark.

F***.

And the last French test, I failed by 1.5.

OMG. This is getting damn frustrating.

I think I'm going to fail this semester. :(

Studying for stats ain't so bad.

Doing the mock paper's the tough one.
No answers. I don't even know if I'm doing my stuff right.
ANYHOO.
At least I finished revising all the notes for stats. Yes. Finally. The pain's halfway over.

I wish some things were different. Wish I can stop myself from doing certain stuff. Wish I can turn the clock back (Like how Hiro does it. Heh.) and do some things different, which may end up having different consequences.

What if I didn't do A? What if I did B instead? Or what if I didn't do anything at all?
Gosh. Life is so complicated. But then again, if it was too simple, I would think it's boring.
Sigh. I'm so troublesome. Maybe I should be more simple-minded. I think I've been thinking way too much about things.

Saw this really pretty pretty stand that allows you to put nice jewellery on its 'arms'. Immediately thought of mel. Only she can be fitted together with that thingy in a picture. Maybe I'll just get it for her. Since I still haven't gotten her a house-warming present. Just in time for christmas too. Or maybe get sth more original. SIGH. I think I'm boring. No comments needed from you guys, thanks very much. ^___^

Okay, now I don't even know which one to get for him. The boring one or the more boring one. HAHAHAHAHHA!

I can't wait for dec. Cause that means money will come in. A bit, because of tuition. I'm quite dried up now. And when don comes back, we're going to go shopping!

How long more am I going to stash it away? Or should I just give it up. The last thing I want is to destroy everything with just this stupid thing. SIGH.

Blogs are quite contradictory. It's private in a way that you can say whatever you like. But it's public in the way that you have to censor your words in such a way that people read and pretend to understand what you're saying but they've NO clue what the heck you're saying.
I'm trying to do just that. Voila. An entry which is not understandable at all.

I think these days, whatever I say is not comprehensible. Like, Sam T will just end up asking, "what talking you?" whenever I talk about something like.. Korean drama. Yup.

EARTH TO DIANA. Get a grip, woman.













Okay. I've decided. I'll give it up. No point really. Voila. There you go. You've no idea what the hell I'm talking about. The person pasting sticky stuff should know.

Serious studying.

Finally, I got down to study stats. Yay. At least I've finished 2/3 of whatever's tested. The 1/3's more impt for the exam though. Ah well... On a more optimistic point of view, at least I've grasped the basics and the inference and stats testing blah blah.

I'm never going to do stats again after this. Econs yes, but not stats.

Damn. No wonder I didn't get into the business fac. I'd probably die there. HAHAHAHAHA!

Am taking a break once in a while; apparently I'm alot more efficient if I take lil breaks here and there. SO YES. Now's the loooong break. ^__^

I LURVE studying...

NOT.

But definitely much more fun than working and slogging. Heh.

blah blah blah.

I'm supposed to be studying the whole day.

But here I am, I just started trying out this PF1101 paper. I still rmb the 1st time I saw the mock exam paper. Gosh. I was wide-eyed, had NO idea how to do that paper. At least now I know what's going on. Yay.

Just finished writing the song. Super emo song. I'm trying to make it more unique, so the chords for the chorus abit warped.
BUT, it's nice.
Stupid idiot, cut me off before I showed you the full chorus lyrics. Thanks for the support.

Anyway, FOCUS FOCUS. Can't talk to certain people online. They'll just make me upset; and then I feel shitty.

OMG. Busted.

Yup.

Just realised tonight how stupid I am to take up this risk.
What took me so long to figure that out.

HA.

I blocked it on msn anyway. So it doesn't matter anymore. Ha.

OMG. This is like, the 5th entry for SAT.

Okay, I figured things out... No thanks to Fab.

I still care for her. But it can only be on different context. What's done can't be undone.
But she's still my friend. SIGH. Finally.

Yup.
Yay. Figured it out. Issue settled.... Partially. HEH.

THE ULTIMATE PERSONALITY TEST (got it from Jia Hui's blog. HEE.)

Haven't taken this kinda tests for ages, since secondary school I think. Just for the fun of it. :)
MY RESULTS...

You scored 57 Extroversion, 69 Intuition, 75 Emotional, and 44 Spontaneity!

ENFJ

Outgoing and friendly. ENFJs cheif concern in life is other people, and fostering harmony and cooperation, between themselves and others. Warm personal interactions-strokes of approval and appreciation- keep them going in life. Sympathetic, cooperative and tactful, with high ideals, they make a consistent effort to say and do the right thing. They are patient and conscientious and make an effort to stick to a job until it's finished.

Relationships
ENFJs put a lot of effort and enthusiasm into their relationships. To some extent, the ENFJ defines themself by the closeness and authenticity of their personal relationships, and are therefore highly invested in the business of relationships. They have very good people skills, and are affectionate and considerate. They are warmly affirming and nurturing. The excel at bringing out the best in others, and warmly supporting them. They want responding affirmation from their relationships, although they have a problem asking for it. When a situation calls for it, the ENFJ will become very sharp and critical. After having made their point, they will return to their natural, warm selves. They may have a tendency to "smother" their loved ones, but are generally highly valued for their genuine warmth and caring natures.

Strengths
Good verbal communication skills
Very perceptive about people's thoughts and motives
Motivational, inspirational; bring out the best in others
Warmly affectionate and affirming
Fun to be with - lively sense of humor, dramatic, energetic, optimistic
Good money skills
Able to "move on" after a love relationship has failed (although they blame themselves)
Loyal and committed - they want lifelong relationships
Strive for "win-win" situations

AND WHO SAID I WAS ANTI-SOCIAL?!?!??! HMPH.

Browsing through the pictures...

And I just had a read on Grace's bloggie.

Can't wait to go w you guys to Cambodia. Fingers crossed everything will go well before the trip. Like, pray that my mom won't last min do a menopause trick on me. Not that I've already told her. WELL. We'll just leave that to next year. :) HAHAHHA.

And... Hopefully it's peaceful over there and all. Wouldn't want our 21st celebration trip to go bust just because of some political bitch-fight that may happen. Wahahahahahhaa.

LUB Y'ALL.

It is over!

Took my last French test of the semester. Results in 1 week's time. Omigosh. Scary....

Yes, Eugene, I realised. It's Hangul. Just researched on it.

Anyone wants to learn Korean w me?!

Disobedient.

My heart skipped a beat.

DAMMIT. This is not good.

ANYHOO.

Studied for my french test today. Tomorrow's the final french test.
After that, I just need to focus on my other 4 modules. SHIAT. I hate statistics.

SIGH.

OH OH. His name's Gong Yoo. OMG. My new crush. My next holiday destination, KOREA.
I wonder if the universities there are good. Hehehehehehehehehe. SEP.

Clement's coming back to Singapore on the 3rd. Yay!

I wanna learn Korean!!!

I wanna learn how to speak it. I won't bother to learn how to write the language. Just learn to speak it... In hope that one day, an extremely CUUUUUTE korean guy will pop up in my life. Then, I'll coincidentally know how to speak to him. ^____^

Yay.

(The reason why I'm having this craze right now? I just finished watching this Korean drama series, called Prince Coffee Cafe or something. OMG OMG OMG. The main guy is SOOOOOOOOOO cute. He has dimples. I like dimples. Kekekkeke.)

Dream dream dream....

To-do list.

1. Study for exams.
2. Eat less.
3. Exercise more.
4. Save up for Cambodia/Vietnam trip with G, A and L.
5. Check out scuba diving for Ben.

SIGH. I can't wait for November to be over. Dreadful month.

I want to so badly

kick his ass man. Too bad I know nuts about kung fu. Stupid Nate. Just one comment from a girl who comes for cg for the 1st time in many million years, and he 'realises' who his REAL friends are. GOOD FOR YOU THEN, brat.

Fab says he's coming back to Singapore this dec. I feel happy, of course. But a lil hesitant. Don't want to get my hopes too high. Oh well. At least I know I've more time to think about his christmas present this year.

I should start being less sensitive, I guess. It's easier to live life, from what I can see so far. Then I won't feel so tired about thinking of this and that and yada yada.

Exams are in 2 weeks. And I've NOT started at all. Am I screwed or what. Ah well.

Met up with Ben on Fri for dinner. Passed me this present which he intended to give me as a birthday gift 2 years back. What a pleasant surprise. But I'm really glad we're still talking and all. After all, he was no doubt one of my besties in jc. It was and still is fun to hang out with him.

OH OH. And I met a secondary mate too. One of my lovely girlfriends whom I used to hang out with EVERY SINGLE DAY man. She couldn't recognise me (as usual. Sigh.) so I had to call out to her several times before she finally looked at me and then whatever happens after that is needless to say. "OH MY GOSH! You look so different now. How're YOU?!?!??!!"

But yeah, can't wait to meet up with her and a few other good girlfriends from sec school. Miss those days. Sigh. I feel so bloody old now.

Thinking about these friends make me feel a lil happier. This week has a been a lil saddening. Especially last night. Jasper thinks I'm just being a typical girl to be jealous. And I admit, I was. I AM A GIRL. I can be super open-minded and stuff, but of course sometimes, I just cannot tahan right.
But at least I know he still loves me. I think. Haha. Righto.

I thought it isn't a good idea.

But I guess I can consider Ruperto's suggestion.

I'm supposed to be studying.

But I didn't... Yet. :) What a slacker, I know.

I woke up at 1230 pm. Decided to give the family lunch a miss. So I stayed home, ate cup noodles and watched TV; Channel 5 was showing some Miss USA 2007 competition. Sigh. Pretty pageant girls.

Brought out my PF1101 notes to study. But the piano looks more tempting then. So I started playing the piano.
And for ONCE, I actually re-practiced all the scales for majors and minors with all the sharps and flats blah blah blah. The funny thing is, I didn't need a scales book like how I used to need them all the time in the past. Yay. Maybe I'll consider taking the grade 8 exam after all. MAYBE... NOT. Haha. But this time round, I know I'll get close to, if not full marks for my scales man. MUAHAHAHAHA.

Even typing this entry now seems so much easier and faster. My hands, they've got power yoz.

Okay.
I need to focus on studies now. Exam's in less than 3 weeks. OMG!!!! I'm so dead.

Today's miss-someone day.

Celebrated Fiona's birthday today, at Vivocity's Marche. We didn't eat a lot. But we sure talked loads of crap.

It ended on a bad note though. Oh well, poor girl.

I had a quick dinner @ Kenny Rogers today. Cheese macaroni tastes like macaroni in cheese soup. Was really hungry though. Chicken's still as good.

I think I spent quite a bit today. Dammit.

Maybe I should go run tomorrow or sth. Have been feeding myself a lil overboard.

And this month's so draggy and dreadful. Exams at the end of the month see. Hate it.
SIGH.

OH OH. Stardust is gooooood. The loserpalooza guy turns out to be a handsome charming prince. HAHA. Typical but NICE. I like.

Cam-whoring.

I hardly use my cam these days.
Sigh.

Haiyoyo.
Today's a "I-feel-ugly-and-fat-and-dumb" day.

Wish I can just take a break from everything in my life. (Hey, I think I said this before earlier on this month.)
It's been very stressful and tiring.
Even if I'm extremely tired, going to some place like simpang of blk 85 can just perk me up a bit, for awhile. It's tough staying at home alone w granny these days. Tend to have loads of imagination and thoughts all over the place.

Trying to be all ditzy and cheerful in front of the girls in school is getting harder by the week. I can still remember the 1st week I hung out w them. Life seems alot simpler; get good grades, eat and gossip w the newly-made friends.
SIGH. Damn it.

Not that I'm complaining that time is passing so quickly. I can't wait for Christmas. Can't wait for next year to start. Can't wait for June.

I wish I had a sibling. Being an only child really kinda sucks. I'm going to make sure that in the future, if I EVER have kids, I'll have even-numbered no of kids. They can like pair up and stuff. So no one will feel left out or lonely. :)

Hugging Kaw kaw these days just feel like I'm just hugging my own toy, like Humper.

Not that I'm confused. I'm perfectly clear-headed.
But anyway, it's impossible. I wouldn't want that to happen anyway. Thinking of the consequences itself makes me shudder. It's equivalent to ruining my whole reputation I've spent my life building, not that it's very positively reputable to begin with.
WHAT THE HECK AM I TALKING ABOUT.
Uh huh. The side-effects of being an only child. You tend to talk to yourself subconsciously, in the brain. Jia Hui agreed w me on this. Heh.

Blabber blabber blabber.

Thank goodness for Deepavali this Thursday.

I haven't slept in late for the past weeks. Glad I can finally do that this week. WOOHOO!

Dropped one tuition, and another one crops up, out of the blue. But it's kinda weird; which parent would start tuition after the examinations are over; and the examinations just ended not too long ago. Poor kid. I hope he/she's not extreme, ya know, like, too freakishly quiet or too irritatingly noisy.

My throat hurts like shiat now. The only time it hurt this badly was throat infection a year or so back. DAMMIT. I hate throat infections. Can't even swallow my saliva w/o feeling the shitass pain.

Okay, very very tired. I need sleep. -----____-----

For the 1st time in my life in NUS

Not that I've been there for long.
BUT ANYWAY, I think I'm going to fail 2 tests - This morning's french test, and monday's stats test.

OMIGAWD. I am screwed.

But looking on the brighter side, 1101 tutor said that our project group may end up as THE best group. Woohoo. Not sure if he's referring to the whole cohort, or the whole class. OH WHAT THE HECK. Let's dream big. Our video was good to some extent, cause it's the most animated so far. AND, it has interviews yada yada... It's literally professional, but we do need to make some changes. The presentation (thanks to my wonderful simplicity style. HAHA. Okies, Big ego there.) was branded THE MODEL presentation by our tutor. WOOHOO. Way to go man.

Alright, I'm going to stop thinking abt that for now, don't want to feel to full of myself.

I need to go for piano lessons. Hopefully Sam W can get me the contact soon. Yay... Finally, I've a piano TEACHER to teach me, instead of me teaching people.

Oh, Dad AND Mom agreed to let me go to Sydney for the Hillsongs Conference. And if everything actually goes pretty well, I may be able to go over to UK to visit Fabian. How exciting.

But FOR NOW, I gotta get over this sem w good grades. I just hate to start my uni 'journey' w sucky cap scores from the start. SIGH.

Première entrée en français

Que fait tu maintenant?
Je fais du fançais.

OMG. I can't do this. Typing all those words in accents... They're KILLING me. HAHA.
Okay, enough crap. Study study.

What am I thinking?!

Okay, maybe I'm just over-imagining stuff. I should stop.
BACK TO REALITY.

Watched The Gameplan w Shawn P. OMG. It's so funny and sweet. The ROCK danced ballet?! HAHA. Cute. Go catch it. It's nice.

Been a busy week. Such a relief that Wed's over. Tutor's impressed w the presentation. Woohoo.
Okay, now revision. Yuck.
Until now, I've no idea how to study for French. Like, I just forget everything after a test. Thank goodness there's no end-sem paper for this. HAHA! And fingers crossed, my grades for the tests wouldn't be too bad. Like, a good B for now. So yeah. Yay.

My stats is screwed though. I think the lecture management (whatever you call em) should re-consider having a stats lecture 8-10 am TWICE every freakin' week. It's way too early. Who the heck pays attention, besides the scholars. They're called scholars for a reason; weird muggers. I'm not jealous of em. I know I'll do way better than them out in the workplace. HA. I've seen the world. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

OKAY.

Haven't been able to talk to Fabian properly. But I guess it doesn't really matter anymore. We've both busy. I'm glad I'm busy. Cause if I'm not, and he is, then it's shit for me. Haha.

Sad thing is I don't feel the same around Mel anymore. Saw her break down in church the other day. But I can't see myself consoling or talking to her like how I did in the past. It's just difficult. Whatever she said that night, just cut me really badly. I wish I didn't have to talk abt it here. But, who else can I talk to about this, really. We're both from the same church. Last thing I want to happen is some controversial scandal or whatsoever. Talking to the church people just made things harder.
Sad to see how things turned out. It'll probably take some time to get over. But oh well.
I guess that's the difference between babes and dudes. Dudes never fall out, even though they may hate each other. Babes are more straight to the point. But they're TOO straight to the point. The bitch factor comes out. Sigh. At least now I know I'm seriously not a dude, like what those guys keep saying. Ha.

NOW I know why some people from school think I dumped Shawn for someone else. Damn him. Can't believe he turned the tables on me. BUT ANYWAY. It's over. Hate me all you want, you suckas.

I'm going jogging later. Need some fresh air. Studying for French isn't easy at all man. SO MUCH TO LEARN. I feel like a loser. Like, I can't speak a language properly. Now I know how those cheena tutors feel when they teach stats in plain english. HAHAHAHA.

The sem's coming to an end. I'm going to miss my 1101 project group peeps. Like, I'm so freakin' lucky to have THE MOST hardworking people in my group.

Okay, I'm going to heed the French tutor's advice - blog in French. HAHA. Damn. That's going to be fun.

(Very random entry I must say.)

Headache Thursday.

It feels like someone banged my head against the wall the night before.
My head feels so heavy and sour.

Just met up with Shawn P to get the laptop back.
He seems like he's doing very well. Apparently he's going to get a car early next year. Looks like he's earning a bit from LFI.
He's also dating. A junior from MJ. Haha. Whaddya know...
Hmmm.. What else. He's alot wiser and street-smart now. Never knew that he'd turn out this way.
Well, today was like a bad day for me, so he caught me when I was all shagged-ded out.
I've always thought of this way - I'll look my best whenever I meet an ex. It's human nature right?
He still thinks I suck at time management, since I spend alot time with my coolest church friends and school. Apparently, I missed out on alot of MJ stuff.

Seriously, I don't really care. Grace is right. Why bother spending time on people whom you know you aren't going to be close to at the end of the day. So, I made a mental note on people whom I'm going to try to put more effort on. But that's after this whole school shit is done in dec.

I know Clement's going to be back for a while in dec. So that's gd news. Grace and ah neh and lucas are going to be top priority; they are the closest friends I've got from school. Maybe my secondary school friends too, like Meixi and Lee See. SIGH...
Of course, not forgetting the church friends. It always sounds weird to other people whenever they hear about how much time I spend in church and with the friends from church. It's like... the norm for me now. They aren't just church friends anymore. I don't know how to say this, but yeah, they're humans too what. Not much difference really.

And was he really expecting me to be single?! Haha. Now that's a first.

I need a HOLIDAY.

Like, away from school. Away from everything I've known in this life.

Just that, I've to get over my exams FIRST. And the presentations. And the dreadful mugging shiat.

You feel ok, no, not ok. Like, HAPPY, for the last few days. You try with little effort to not be concerned about what's happening over at the other side, which turned out to be very successful. Then suddenly, you see it coming. And you get your hopes up just a bit for a while. THEN, the whole uno block just crumbles down again.
Dammit.

I don't want to stay up late anymore. The later I stay up, the more frustrated I'll get.
Thank goodness there was heroes tonight to watch. Made things a wee bit easier for me to handle, I think.

Lots of things changed. Priorities, friends, school. Blah blah blah.
What took me so long to figure those things out?!?!?!?! My gosh.

This is the 100th post.

COOOL.

Anyhoo.
Went for growth 'meeting' earlier tonight.
And I learnt important things.

Whatever you're meant to do, you will do it. Even if you go the other way, you'll come around to the exact point God wants you to be at.
If it's meant to be, it will be.
And whatever I learnt, I must put into practice. Or else it will all come to naught.

I think I've learnt all these before. But they never really drilled right into my brain till today.
Whatever the man said just now is very applicable to many many many aspects of different people's lives. It's so specific, yet so general. Okay, that sentence didn't really make sense. Haha.
But I'm glad that I went for it, thanks to Rulin and Jasper and Kevin and Sam Choo. Heh.

Today was quite a happy day. I miss him, but it's a happy-miss-him mood. Fingers crossed, I'm getting over the emo-momo barrier. I'd rather miss someone in a happy way than miss the same person in a sad sulky way. It makes life a WHOLE lot easier.

Anyhoo. Gotta study Statistics for a bit while my nice-smelling washed hair dries up a bit.
Going to church tomorrow to once-and-for-all finish my song.

Oh. And I want to buy more dresses. And some shirts. And maybe a new pair of jeans. And probably some new bag.
Ah well. Wait till next month. Gotta save up. Dammit.

Roast duck.

I love Humper.
But seriously,
roast duck from Fu house is like... Fwah. It is pretty good.
And the mash potato's nicer than Spize's, and this one doesn't have sauce on it.

Nice nice.

Christmas seems a lil dreadful now.
He may not be coming back after all.

OH WELL. :)

At least I got my song up! Like, it's kinda done with editing and all.
Hopefully it goes through well w Earl and Pastor Edmund.
But Kevin said it's hard to play.
REALLY MEH... Hyuk Hyuk.

Okay... Bad night last night.

But I'm alot better now.
:)

ANYHOO..
I'm studying at this National Library near Bugis.
Seriously, the study lounge is WAY TOO FREAKIN SMALL.
The reference libraries are SO HUGE. Loads of tables and electrical input thingies.
BUT, not allowed to bring in notes and textbooks. WTH!!!!!!
Man. No brains la.

Okay. But the whole surrounding's nice. Peaceful. And nice. Kekekeke.
And I'm alone. Peace and quiet. Only got a few people here and there on this 11th level.
But it's cool. Less stressful, since I don't see other students coming in here to mug and study.
HAHAHHAHA.

It just doesn't seem fair.

Okay, good news first. Prayed really hard before this morning's test. And I aced it to some extent. Well, definitely not by my ability, considering I only studied the morning itself for like, less than 2 hours. So yeah, definitely by God's grace.

I hate it whenever night comes. Cause I tend to get a lil down and emo and tired whenever the clock strikes 8 and beyond.

Was just talking to Andy (mentor from YMLC. Yes, I'm still in contact with some YMLC people. Miraculously.) about prayer requests.
And I just realised the pretty unreasonable circumstances I've been put under recently.

During the weekend, there wasn't a single buzz from him, because he's just really busy.
But not even an sms? It doesn't take more than a minute really. Like, a 30-cents sms shouldn't hurt right, since you can call your friends every now and then just to ask if they're at the lecture hall you're in. Is it really a lot to ask for? Am I really being the unreasonable one here?

I can empathize with the fact that since everything may still seem new and foreign, the person needs time to adjust and all. And Andy constantly reminds me that. Haha. :)
But it seems like there's no space for me in his life. And that really scares me. Is this how it's going to be like for the next three years when he's over there? How long more is he going to act so nonchalant about things? How long more can I take this?

I don't know if whatever I write here and now is fair to him. But since we won't be able to talk anytime soon (and it seems like it's going to stay like this for quite a long time), I guess I'm left to make my own conclusions. I wished there was somewhere else I can just vent my anger at, so I can just stop barfing everything here all the time.
I'd hate for him to start thinking that I'm trying to be all self-pitiful to get his attention and all that. Cause the only reason why I'm writing all these down's to just try to pull everything out from my mind. And maybe, just maybe, I'll feel better about things. After looking at whatever I wrote, I'm supposed to scold myself, "Why're you so worried?! Cut him some slack. You know you're just making things worse for him. Just stop being stuck on him. Get on with life, will ya."

Colin and Mark are right. He's a free bird.

I have to learn.

He is more than enough for me.
Other things that He's given me are just blessing bonuses.

I've to learn how to live my life out as my own.
No more depending on other sources. They may not last.
I guess it's time to get used to life as it is now.

This time I'll do it. Keep my eyes on Him and I'll be fine. Guarantee plus chop.
Kampatei.

He’s Crazy about You
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He’ll listen.
He can live anywhere in the universe, but He chose your heart.
What about the Christmas gift He sent you in Bethlehem; not to mention that Friday at Calvary.
Face it, He’s crazy about you.
Max Lucado, from “A Gentle Thunder”

Love love from God.

IKEA. :)

There's sth about IKEA that I love.

Like, the wood smell.
Their paper bags.
The weird but FANTASTIC combination taste of swedish meatballs with jam and sauce.
Their ever so creative furniture and lil stuffs here and there.
Their way of organisation - the whole hall used up just to store bits and pieces of furniture for customers to self-pick.
Yada yada...

I felt really happy today going there. Maybe it's also the memories of my childhood too.
I used to go there really often. Not for the food (I didn't know the meatballs were GOOD till this year.), not for the furniture, but for their dedication to take care of lil kids when parents go around shopping. I LOVE that part. Can still rmb watching this really cute cartoon with tons of other kids beside me. And the whole plastic balls area.

SIGH.
Memories.
I was a spoilt brat then. Keke.

My future house is going to be IKEA-oriented. As in, like, wood and simple feel. I like!

Supper time. But today Spize's closed, due to Hari Raya. Dammit.

I wish.

I wish I can just throw like, a cup or like, a glass thing.

Need to vent my anger and frustration out.
Before it kills me inside.

Doesn't help that I don't get to talk much.

ARGH.
I shall just leave it. Nothing much I can do really.
It's up to life.

Blk 85.

It was Ba-chor night tonight.
There were chicken wings... Satay... Ba-chor mee... Stingray... Oyster omelette... Carrot cake... Ah balling, which I don't like.

Oh well. But it was FUN!

Met grace today after school. She got me a pretty red daisy. Happy happy.

I wanna go to Vivocity again soon. The wading pool place is very peaceful. I like... Heheheh.

Shocker monday.

Well, first and foremost, my dad's actually debt-free now. And interestingly, he's collecting money back from the people who owed him. HMMMM. I never bothered to find out about whatever he's doing.

Oh, and yes, I think he's turning Buddhist or something. I saw this string of beads he put on mom's bedroom door. Like, WTH.

And for the FIRST freakin time in the last decade, he gave me some money to spend. Like, not some some, like very some. Not in the thousands figures la, but yea. OMG. Shocker.

Coincidentally, I got mom to get me a new pair of specs. Puma specs. Pretty cool stuff. At first I was checking out the lacoste ones, but the puma one just looks SOOO nice... And sporty. So yay. Can't wait to get my hands on it on Friday.

Pretty obvious that my mom's delirious abt him being back in Singapore. Well, it's reasonable. I mean, having a non-existent husband for almost a decade or something. Then out of nowhere, he appears back into the the picture.

Oh yeah, he's abstaining from pork. Maybe he's turning Halal. Like, muslim.
Sigh.
Why does he have to make EVERYTHING so bloody complicated?!

Okay, I'm exhausted from school and family for today. Need to sleep and recharge before I completely burn out.

Still taking things easy as they come along. I'm more at peace for now. Hopefully this feeling will stay on.

OH OH OH! Hillsongs conference. Apparently mom says dad wants to bring granny to aussie to visit my cousin. Then, from there, I'll go for Hillsongs. And I think I'll want to visit Clement before going back. Here's the down side, I've to meet up with my family again to go back. Sigh. I wanna like, try taking a plane back myself. Like, just hook up with a total stranger and just talk and talk and talk... Till the plane lands in Singapore. Oh well, don't wanna think too much abt this for now. Everything's so freakin' tentative.

One thing's for sure: Dec is SO gonna rock this year. Woohoo! Can't wait.
Time really passed so quickly for the past few months. Many many many things happened.

Okay, getting random. I need my sleep.

Dear Fab,

Someone just told me,
"It's never easy when two people get together, because we all have different expectations and opinions about issues. And one aspect of being a couple is to sort them out. After that, the relationship will just grow to become a lot stronger."

Well, the words happened to dawn upon me like some kind of enlightenment. :)

In reality, it has only been two weeks since you've left, but it feels like a million decades to me.
Every little thing I see down the road just reminds me of you. I smile because of the happy memories. But it's a sad smile, because you're not here with me anymore.

I'm sorry for the earlier bitch-fit, and I'm terribly thankful that you kept the promise which you made right before you left.

That's why I decided to post this up, just for you.

I can't promise you that I'll be perfectly fine with anything (bad in particular) that is going to happen in the future. You know it yourself; it is going to be a long and arduous way ahead before you finally settle down in Singapore.
But I love you.
Nothing else matters right?

I really can't wait to see you again in Christmas. It'll be the best Christmas gift yet.


Missing you,
Di

Deers are messengers of God.

Or so the people in heroes say.
Haha.

Reminds me of Fabian's As The Deer interpretative dance.

I'm pretty screwed up this week.

Have an essay to START writing and the deadline's Monday. About 2000 words. Not so bad right. At least I got my bullet points out. OKAY, I've to STOP being so complacent.

Have a presentation to give today... At 7 pm. And I'm staying up because I've to do some readings about marsony walls and construction. DAMN.

What else do I have to do.

Oh yes, a marketing proposal for Nutri-something.
And I need to find more contacts.
But this I'll leave it to next week. Studies first, then CCA.

OMG.
I've to write a song too. Fun fun. Stay close to Him; I'm trying.

BUSY BUSY BUSY BUSY.

And I'm exhausted. Like, mentally. School's so gruelling. And it's only the FIRST sem, for freak's sake. I need a holiday.

Somehow there's this 'itching' at the back of my mind. Like, I don't feel at peace when I've so many things to settle and everything's like... Half done and half not done, that kinda thing.
Argh.

I need to exercise. Or like, swim or tan at the very least. Falling sick.
And I have to get over it. Can't keep worrying about this and that; I can't do anything about em anyway. SIGH.
I wonder how Audrey does it. Haha. Ah well. Go figure.

I'm falling sick.

Yeah.
I need to get proper rest.
But recess week just passed in a flash.

But at least we're talking now. So things aren't that bad I hope? :)

Anyhoo. Meeting Eugene and the rest for supper later at blk 85. Nice.
I feel exhausted though.

You want to know what's wrong? This is what's wrong.

Not that I'm expecting a return for whatever I did. Then again.
You're too busy to talk to me, cause of prison break. (OMG. There's such a thing called PAUSE, you know.) But, you're actually talking to your other friend/s. I don't know who, but oh well. I don't care anymore. A girl, a guy, or even a gay. I don't have the right to poke into matters and ask anyway.

I am SO peeved.
And this time, it's not because I'm anal, like you always say about me when I stay up till late. (I wonder why.)
If I did whatever you did to me, after all I've done, I'm pretty sure you're not going to be happy being stuck in the situation that I'm in right now.

I'm only human.
You can't expect me to be nice and be ever so open-hearted all the time. There's a limit. And sometimes, a girl just can't take it anymore. Not like this.

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh. But it really hurts when you try to put in effort, and at the same time, be nice and not demanding (COME ON, SERIOUSLY, have I ever made things difficult for you ever since you left for UK?), BUT on the other hand, the other party, doesn't seem to care.
No sms-es. No emails. And don't try to give me all that bullshit about handphone switching on and off regularly. SERIOUSLY, I'm really sure you've used your phone to communicate with your new friends (or acquaintances, so you say). Duude, you used your phone to give em missed calls.I'm sure your phone works. So really, if I can spend money just to say hi, it should be reasonable for you too right. It's even cheaper for you, my dear.

I forgot what I wanted to say next.
Oh yes.
If you can't put in effort, then as much as I don't wish to do this, I don't see why I should put in effort for you.

I've always believed in this. The more you give, the more you expect, the more disappointed you'll get. That's why I always try to put a barrier. This time, I let my guard down just a wee bit. And GUESS WHAT. Tada. Fantastico.

I probably should just stop doing all these things for you. They probably make you feel restricted/guilty? I don't know; I can't find the right words to describe. I'll stop it then. Makes things easier for you. For me too, hopefully.

PL funfair.

My next door class in sec school is setting up a booth @the funfair. Just spoke to Vilist last night, if I'm not wrong.

Pearlyn just sent out this mass email through friendster.
All those happy times with the girls in school started flooding my mind.
After all, they're the ones who literally kept me going during the sec school years.
It's quite sad that I've been so busy with the present and future and as a result, I haven't been able to get in touch with the past.
Just saw the pictures Pearlyn took with the girls.
Too bad a few of em already went overseas for studies. DAMN. I didn't even know until recently; that means I didn't send them off. Aiyayayayyaya...

Yet again, I'll be busy on saturday. So that means I probably can't make it for the funfair. :(

Okies, back to studying French.

I've mastered it!

To take things easy! Yeah.
Well, not that I don't know how to do that in the past.
But in the current situation, it's hard you see. :)

Can't wait for him to come back. Miss him like mad.
BUT!
I can wait. And I'll still live. It'll be quite sad if my life stops just because of this.
I think God has something more important for me to do. It just dawned upon me when I was walking home from tuition today. SO... YEAH.

For the first time, I sat myself down to try inputting into one of the modules' forums. I'll be marked on it. 6 marks in total just for input in forums. Man... Well, at least I input quite a lot tonight. Feel good about school now. Wahahahaha!

Oh oh, and I just came across this whole website about future houses being built with different environmentally-friendly materials. Gives my inspiration on how I want my future house to be like. :)

This house is solely made of cardboard. COOL HUH! But then again, I can't imagine what's going to happen when there's some typhoon or rain or flood.

Fully cement materialised house. It looks like some monument or shelter. If it's covered up and all, it's actually quite nice, with all these circle circle stuff going on. Heh.

The most standard kind of futuristic house - Glass. Very classy though. But reminds me of the thirteen ghosts movie. You know, they're like, stuck in a glass cubicle. Of course, this one has a lot more class. Haha.

Okay, I'm back to watching the silent library guys trying to say some tongue-twister shit. Haha. Chiki-chiki! Hahahahahaha.
OMG. Using a tea bag which was just put into a cup of boiling water to slap someone's face unexpectedly. So random. But it's funny. Sadistically funny. Haha.

Carls' Junior.

Ate some bacon double cheeseburger meal at Carls' Junior.
Actually, seriously speaking, if you don't upsize or modify the original meals, they're alright. Not that I approve of their high fat levels and all. But yeah. Considering that I didn't eat the whole day till 6, and that meal makes up for the whole day other than one cup of milo-bing from sempang, should be alright, right? :)

I haven't been sleeping a lot these days, for obvious reasons.
And I try to stay out till as late as I can. Cause firstly, it's saddening to go home uber early and I keep getting reminded that Fab's not around like how he was in the past. And secondly... I've to wait up for him quite alot this week to talk to him. Not that I'm complaining. I don't regret waiting up for him; I'd rather feel uber tired and be able to just catch a glimpse of him for a while before sleeping.

But I can't be doing this for very long. We both have separate lives in different continents. I'm getting used to it actually, gradually. :) So no worries, guys, I'm not going to sink into depression or anything. I'll live. Wahahaha.

Wished you were still here in Singapore though.

Long distance relationships are tough. Shiat.
Jiao per...... Help. *Okay, that was a bit random.*

It's a sad week.

I don't know how to explain it. It's just... painful.
It's so...... unnerving.
Like, what's he up to now? Is he safe? Is he having fun? Is he coping well with the new friends he met? Is he going to like, find another girl, and realise quickly(or even immediately) that she's alot better than me?

I guess it's really easy for a girl to just wonder and imagine how things may turn out to be.
Eugene once told me about Geraldine dreaming that Sam cheated her, and the next morning when she woke up, she thought it was reality. She even messaged Sam to tell him she knows that he cheated on her and stuff like that.

We talked about this cheating thingy over Skype the last few times. It always just... Makes me feel jittery about it. Like, how he says, "You're just doing all these to piss me off right, then make me feel better about cheating on you."

I NEVER had this problem for the past few guys I went out with. Like, even Shawn P. Well, considering the relationship with him was the most serious out of the rest, I wasn't worried if he'll cheat on me; he did like this other girl for some time, but that was it. Maybe Darius set it off, I don't know.

ARGH.

But I'm glad I prayed about it today.
Whatever that's destined to come will just come. I can't stop it.
Even if things go bad, I just have to swallow it down and get on with life, right? Right.
Not my will but His be done.

If I've to go through life with this happening again and again, what can I say? It's my life path.
See, Mel? It's not that I want all these things to keep happening to me. They just come.

Spiritual attacks on the rise. Don't know why it's happening. PJ keeps saying that it's because I'm growing closer to God. Maybe she's right. I've been talking more often to God, even in broad daylight.
Well, I guess right now, the only one I can trust is Him.
Unfortunately, the world doesn't seem full of rainbows and colourful flowers anymore.

I've been noticing alot more sad things going on. Like, I always wince when I see old people staggering down the road, or like, they'll walk with a limp. I wished I could do something for that. But I can't.

Abit random la this post. But sometimes I wished I was a different person. A different name, a different look, a different personality, a different family background. But I want to retain my talents. Ha. Playing the piano's good, I like that. And my friends too. Love them to bits.
Or maybe it'll be better to turn back time. Not make the same mistakes I did. As much as I want to say, "No, I don't regret doing the things I did. My life turned out the way it is, and I accept that.", I wished I did some things differently.

I thought I healed. Self-denial I guess? Sometimes I just feel... Worthless and pathetic. Pathetic in terms of loser kind of pathetic.

OMG. I was like, quite optimistic the whole day today. And now, I'm so bloody emotional about everything!

Okay, think happy thoughts Diana. Think happy thoughts.

Fabian's left.

We had dinner with his parents the evening before he left.

This whole week has been really emotional.
Happy times we had, though they're mostly bittersweet, cause whenever we start talking, we'll end up talking about what happens after he leaves.

Well, now that he's left, everything's abit.. Empty.
But my church friends made it alot less painful for me, thankfully.
Audrey offered to be my whining buddy since Keith's going to London too.
Ray and a lot others think my new hair looks nice.

Something happened at the airport, Ron said to Yuenning.

Talking to him now. Damn, miss him loads. Thank God he's hopefully coming back in 12 weeks' time, after my exams are done. Whoopee.

To Mellie wellie.

Just read your blog.

I feel so uber loved now.
But, don't know what happened to you today. Hope you're ok???
Miss you babe. Come to church tmr k! I'm finally free to lunch. Hopefully you are too. :)

I knew it.

It's NEVER good when he comes to Singapore for some reason.

WHAT THE HECK.

In my WHOLE entire life living in this house, I've NEVER EVER been locked out.
Mom AND Grandma have NEVER done it to me.

What in your pewny small idiotic brain makes you think that you, having been away for so long because of stupid debts and all, have the freakin right to lock me out of this house. It's not even yours. And, I don't care if you're my mom's husband or whatsoever. You don't randomly come to Singapore and discipline me like you've been doing this parenting thingy for years. In case you forgot somehow, you haven't been doing much other then adding on the burdens on the family.

So you think being back in Singapore, you can be all haughty and self-righteous and black-face and know-it-all. DREAM ON. This time it's different, I'm a lot older and independent. I'm not going to let you abuse me like how you did in the past.

YMLC pictures

Here you go Eugene, just for my brudder!
Oh yeah, I only started camming away on the last day. Can't wait to get a hold on Rulin and Pert's snaps. Yay. I LOVE pictures.
OKAY, I'm so having PMS. Extreme mood swings man.
Anyway....

Don't feel special anymore.

Am I supposed to feel okay with this kind of stuff.

Like, doing A is so hard. But option B, which is like A, seems a whole LOT more enticing and worthwhile.

I feel stressed too.
First, this person had to suggest doing a brand new song. Like, haven't we learnt enough new songs for the time being. We gotta know the limits of the band also what. Unless you can play like Hillsongs or some pro players, then yes, GO AHEAD, teach the congregation a new song EVERY SUNDAY. That'll definitely get them all excited for God while singing songs they don't know EVERY FREAKIN WEEK.
Best of all, when I just got home from school tonight, I had to receive an sms from someone else to rush me to send out the songs. With an exclamation mark somemore. Hwah. Thanks man. I totally FORGOT that I've to worship lead; I'm so bloody grateful for the gentle reminder.

YES, I KNOW I'm supposed to send out the songs. But if I didn't send em out yet, then it's probably because either
(A) I can't think of a set of songs that the whole band is fully capable or comfortable to play. Hey, I'm being bitchy here, so forgive me if I'm a bit direct. Certain people can only play certain songs yada yada.
OR
(B) I SERIOUSLY haven't had time to do it?!?!?!?! Like, give me a break. I've been coming home at 10 plus everyday since Monday and I've a whole pile of work to complete every single night. Don't get to sleep till like, what, 2 am?! And then school starts early in the morning, like, 8/9/10 am. So yeah, unless you're experiencing the same routine as me and you're still happy and satisfied with life, DO NOT FREAKIN' ORDER ME AROUND.

I feel abit weird having to post this up, but if this is the only way I can throw my temper without hurting anyone's feelings, so be it. Whatever I say stays here.

Tonight's a bad night.

YMLC.

Yippee... It's finally going to be Friday soon. Can't wait.

This whole week's been like... hell for me. Hardly have enough time to rest and do my work. I definitely need a break this weekend. Hopefully the conference's not going to be tiring.

Rooming with Rulin, Mae Yan & Jia Hui. Too bad Mel can't make it because of work. Ah well, there's always next year ya? Cheer up girl.

OMG. My head feels heavy. Like, as if I've never slept the night before.
But I did sleep.
And I woke up late. Haha.

I hate the school hols.

School hols mean my mom'll be back home.

And my mom's like, throwing her temper at me when the kids piss her off. WHAT THE HECK.
She just goes on and on and on...

Freakin' irritating.

Ka-ching,

Went to funan on saturday with mom with the initial plan to get my lappy a cooler-fan. And I bought a new puma bag; it's a plain one. But it's a nice black sling bag for school. Coolio. It's just what I wanted actually. And yes, I got the cooler-fan. It's uber cool. Like, sleek black metallic curvy tray with 2 fans. I've a picture of half my desk. Check this out. =)


Alright, don't mind the wires. They're a bit messy... For now. And yes, don't mind the toys too. My 2 lil' cousins bought them for my birthday, so I'm sorta obliged to put them on my desk for awhile. They're kinda cute anyway. I was and still am a fan of the Disney chipmunks. So they're pretty alright. Lil' Rachel bought me that green tortoise-looking toy. Really sweet of her. So that's why they're on my study-table for now. I'll figure out where to put em another time. Oh yeah, I LOVE my garfield phone. It's been with us since we stayed at the fernwood terrace condo. That was... at least a good 5-7 years? Lotsa memories. Nice and not-so-nice memories. But oh well, they're still memories. Okay, I'm starting to rant away. Moving on...

That's the uber cool black 'tray' the lappy's resting on. I love it. I guess you tend to cherish things more when you dig money out from your own pocket to pay for them. Haha.

Anyway, looks like we won't be moving anywhere soon. Mom's friend gave her false information. Apparently the balloting for HDB houses was over AGES AGO. Ha.
Dammit. I was already like, starting to picture how my room will look like. SIGH...

Was hanging out Shawn, Earl, Nate & Celeste last night after band prac in church. We were reminiscing the old times; how faaaaaaat and tooty I was (still am fat, just not THAT fat. Not sure about tooty though. Ha.), how Nate and Simon and the whole buncha guys used to make Mel cry every Sunday during Sunday school without fail (That's been the fav choice of topic whenever we spoke of the past, not sure why. Haha. Poor mel.) yada yada yada.

Time really flies huh. Ever since I reached the 20 mark, I feel old. If only I could go back to the secondary school days; everything seems a whole lot simpler. Not that I mind being who I am now. I don't exactly love the way things have been turning out for me. But I don't hate them. Just living with life. And the most important thing is, I'm happily satisfied with whatever I have now. It just scares me though, what if one day, I just lose everything, one by one? Happened to me once when I was younger. It sorta happened to me again during the teenhood. So I guess I better prepare for another one. Haha.

Okay, feelin' emo. Better stop.

Birthday card

Yup, got it from Clement. How nice right.
I mean, how often do you get friends who'll FIRSTLY, call you on your birthday to wish you well. And SECONDLY, send a birthday card all the way from overseas.

AWWWW...
How nice of him.

I'm really touched. Can't wait for him to get back in Singapore so we can hang out like how we did in the past. Oh well.

How time flies man. So many many things happened this few years. They seemed like they just took place yesterday. Gosh. I feel old now. I wonder how shitty I'll feel when I reach an age, of around, what, 27? Haha. Yup, that's Pert/Jem/Jasper's age right now.
Don't worry guys, you all are still very young at heart. Not childish. Just alright! :)

I didn't leave the house at all today. Whoopee!

For the first time in my whole entire life, I was glad that I could just stay at home the entire day.
This whole week's been really tiring, considering that I didn't really have a good rest since last week. School's time-table is absolutely crazy, esp on an odd week; I just had a 9 am t0 9pm timetable yesterday.

AND, the best part is, I've two projects due in what, 2 weeks?
Have this 2000-word essay which I've to come up with in a month's time.
1st French test's coming up in about 2-3 weeks' time also.
OMG. I missed the slacko wacko days... In JC. Yes, JC was actually slack, as compared to uni. It's so... Individualistic. Every man for himself. Of course, I try to not be so competitive with the friends I met there. But it seems for the VERY FIRST TIME, I seem a lil more efficient than them most of the time. Like, when I asked them if they read certain notes, which I've already did, they didn't even know that the notes were out. GOSH. I'm so nerdy.... AHHHHHHHH. Nightmarish.

Oh yeah, was supposed to go for a statistics lecture this morning. But I felt too sick and tired to get out of bed to go to school in the morning. All 3 tuitions were cancelled/postponed. So I'm just stuck in the study-room trying to get some work done for once.

Yup, it's funny, cause I've been SO busy with school lectures and tutorials and yada yada, that I've never been able to re-read my notes and just revise. There're mid-term tests during mid-Sept, projects, presentations and essays should be done by october, AND semester exams in Nov. WOW. What a tight-fit schedule.

Okay, 'nuf about school-whining. It is fun to some extent. But I think I gotta learn how to take a step back and just chill. I'm practically rushing here and there. But I made quite a few friends. Yay. And some people actually think I'm friendly at 1st sight. What a surprise.

Ah great. Grandma's throwing a tantrum at me. Gosh. First there was a mom to do that. Now that mom's over at aunt's, she takes over the shift. Like, omg. Does if feel good to throw a tantrum or what?!

Thinking of the happy times with you,
Just makes me smile even during the saddest moments in my life.

Alright, a very random thing that just popped up in my wrinkled brain. Ha.

I won't be joining the jazz band after all. Haven't heard from them, so I guess I'm not good enough. How sad. Ah well. I suck.

It's ah neh's birthday today. Happeeeee burfdayeeeee!
We shall meet up real soon okie? Say, this sat or sth? We'll ask Adrian too, he wants to celebrate your birthday. :)
(Alright, fingers crossed that ah neh'll be reading this. HMMMM.)

Something good's supposedly coming soon, according to Shawn. Had a couple of spiritual attacks this week; not sure why. And both happened when I was talking on the phone with Kaw kaw.

Oh oh. I finally met Hana, after like, one whole year of no contact. It was fun. Missed talking to her. Memories of us bitching about EVERY SINGLE THING came into mind. Funny man.

And yes, the people I wanna lunch with in school... SOON.
There's Hana, of course.
Adibah - she's cute. Haha.
Fabian, chee chee, augustus, jun cheng, the archi people la. Well, at least this one I'm liasing with Fabian. So yeah, coolio. Probably lunch next week. OH YESH, I've to contact the rest of the OG. DAMMIT.
KP - Dinner/lunch for my birthday. Gosh. It's gonna be september soon.
Grace -Haven't seen her since the starbucks meet-up.
Jia Hui with Sheryl and the church peeps. But I don't even see them around man. Haha. Oh well.

BUSY BUSY!

I'm 20 now.

I can't believe I've reached the 20 mark. Gosh. Not that I feel old, cause the reality hasn't really kicked in yet. I still feel like a 19-yr-old. Don't know what's the difference though. Haha.

This year's birthday turned out pretty well.

Other than the lil pressies here and there, I feel the love yoz.

Dinner with Pert, Jeremy & Mel was fantastic! Where're the photos guys?!
Oh btw, Mel, if you're reading this, your mag's with me. You left it in Pert's car. :)
Anyhoo, we watched Evan Almighty. OMG. Funny movie man. And it's pretty enlightening too.

Earlier in the afternoon, mom and I went for lunch @ parkway. Went over to Singtel and guess who we bumped into?! Mel and her momma. It was quite fun; the guys serving us were like, looking back and forth btw Mel and me, cause we were just making a whole heck of a din at the counter. Oh yeah, and there was this mio guy. Pretty cute. But he ended up talking to my mom instead. I was too occupied with Mel and the sexy phone I'm about to get. Haha. At least we made eye contact. Ha. For now, I'm starting to think that I'm actually not THAT ugly. Yay.

A whole new twist in my life. Not sure how to explain it. Cause it seems very... Tentative? I don't know.

Post-birthday celebration (27 aug) :
Went shopping from like 2 plus in the afternoon till 8? Got myself a lappie cover, some tops. Got a new greeny appley ring. It's super duper uber nice. Well. That's a gift actually. Dinner was at Fish & Co. Gosh, I spent quite a bit today (as in Monday). Shikes.

Oh damn. I've to wake up early later, at about like, what, 5? Just to prepare for my french tutorial. Sigh. School's really tiring man.

Happy birthday to me!

Yup, it's my birthday for an hour already. Yay. How exciting. I've reached the 20 mark. =)

But while talking to Mel, I'm starting to feel a bit downcast again. Dammit.

Back from godsrockers retreat.

It was good, clean fun. Well, almost.
I had melted marshmallows smeared over my face by some of the guys; my hair felt like it had extremely hard sticky wax applied on it. Ha.

And Ashley's nice enough to buy me a very nice birthday cake. I feel loved. =)

Pert and I were just talking while we were on our way to collect the peeps' lunch from Changi village this afternoon. This year's birthday will probably be very very very mild and low-key, in preparation for next year. Haha. 21st. It's always the most important - The mark of adulthood. Not that I'm still like a kid. Haha.

My mom just re-arranged my cosy wosy study-room. I can finally watch the tv which is in the living room by just turning my head leftwards. BUT, mom took down the curtains. I hate that my windows are bare. Can't wait to have em up again.

Oh yeah, we're going to go sign up for the MIO thingy tmr. YES! Finally. At least I can stop leeching. And I can stay online forever and ever and ever. Without being cut off occasionally. AND without feeling scared about some stranger suing/charging me to court for using his network.

Freakin' tired from the retreat actually. But I kinda wish I can stay up till at least 12 am tonight. Then I can wish myself happy birthday before anyone else does. HAHAHA.
Yup, turning 20 soon. I've come a LOOOONG way.

Just some people I want to thank for being w me along all these years, and this year especially.

There's Pert. Yeah. How long have we like, been god-siblings? Gosh. VERY LONG. Haha. It's been my utmost pleasure, really. It would not be the same if I lived these few years without having you to guide me along the way. Thanks for always being the more practical and sensible one. Remember what you promised me this afternoon ya. Next year's 26th august is the deadline okie? ONE and STABLE. Haha. I've faith you can do it. No worries. Don't look for it; it'll look for you.

There's Mel too. We just celebrated our 1 yr 'anniversary' during the tertiary retreat eh? =) It's been fun. I've learnt a lot alongside you and I hope you did too. Be very assured that I'll always be here for you, alright? But anyway, I'm really glad that you've a good job and a loving boyfriend you're constantly excited about.

Grace, Lucas & Ah Neh: Well well well. I hope you guys can actually see a lil change in me this year. At least we meet up more often? =) Honestly, I'm really glad that I still have you guys as my close friends from JC. It's always been a sad trend for me and my past school friends to somehow lose contact. So yes. I know I made you guys worry at times. Forgive me for that. I'm not really good at keeping pacts eh? Haha. Anyway, yes, bottomline, you guys rock.

Kaw kaw: I never knew a toy can create such a big impact in my life. Haha. I miss you, now that I know I can't get to play with you as often as I could in the past. Ah well. At least I've your picture? =) Oh, and it's a pity that you couldn't meet Humper and Snail-whale. Tough luck. Haha.

Big Mama: Thanks for all those free rollering lessons. And being ever so 'patient' with me. Well, I'm just really glad to have you around to let me whine about anything and everything, anywhere and anytime. Haha. No thanks for the unnecessary cut on my lip though. Haha. No hard feelings, don't worry. You just owe me dinner! =) Roller soon okie! And the next time I won't fall, promise. Guarantee plus chop. And don't worry too much, I'll pray that you'll get your dream job really really soon. In the meantime, do productive stuff, like... I don't know, exercising, running, resting? Haha.

Jiao Per: Dude, until now, I still don't understand the whole meaning behind your nick. Ah well, not that it matters alot. It sounds funny; that's all that matters. Heh. Anyway, hope I haven't been irritating you very much. I wish I was taller actually, so at least when we talk, the sound wavelengths from either of us can reach the other. Thanks for being around to whatever-back me all the time. It's funny to see you act gay and bimbotic. But I guess for you, it's not much of an act, RIGHT? HAHAHAHAHA. Kidding.

For the rest, You know who you are, KP, Kez, Ron, Eugene, etc etc. I can't think anymore now, my brain's like... Switched off already. But bottomline: I'm really thankful that God planted each and every one of you in my life. We may have been through good times, bad times or maybe both, but I guess God had a purpose for letting me know everyone of you. Thanks for sticking around. =) Love you guys!

Gosh, does this sound like a suicide letter or what. Haha. No worries everyone, it's a birthday speech. See, Pert? I got a speech. But yeah la. Abit late, considering we cut the cake this afternoon. But, better than nothing right?

Everything's like how it was last year.

Alright, it's a bit different, with school going now and lots of church, school and friends' activities coming along the way.

At least it'll occupy me for a while. I'll need all the activities I can get to fill up my mind at this point of time.

By far, this is the hardest for me to swallow.
The first one, which happened last year, 2 weeks before my birthday (yet again.) was sad. But at least I was ready to give it up anytime.
After that were just stupid experiments I tortured myself with mentally and emotionally. That's why, when they ended, I felt alot happier, alongside the shitty feeling that I wasted time and money and intelligence. Haha.

I'm just pretty much sore. Alright, maybe that sounds a bit of an over-statement.
It's like, there's this sour feeling inside of me whenever I see happy couples down the road... Even in NUS. Like, COME ON, couples being touchy during lectures?! Gosh. Not that I'm jealous. Okay, that's beside the point. Hahahaha.

Talking to Jeremy just now obviously didn't help much. Not that it's his fault. I just felt more upset with myself.
Why the heck did I get myself into such a situation?
The only thing I'm grateful about, is that we're still talking.
I wish I can be more indifferent about it, like how he does it.

I just threw a bitchfit.

Yep, you see me whining alot, or like.. acting dumb or stuff like that.

BUT no one has ever seen me throw a bitchfit before (if I'm not wrong).

Alright. I feel alot calmer now actually. And somehow I feel like my heartstrings are tugging at me (there's such a word right - heartstrings???). Maybe I was over-reacting? I'll probably apologise to Kaw later. That's if he still wants to talk to me. AH WELL. I'm in hot soup, I think.

Argh. I don't know. I try to be reasonable most of the time, but I guess I couldn't really control my temper this time. It's quite annoying how sucky situations and life can get.

Oh well, that's life for you.

Crap, I still haven't decided what to cook/prepare for Sunday.
And I haven't decided on the songs for the retreat worship session.
Nothing else to worry about for now, I think. I've done my other work.
And yes, I'm going to start studying, like literally right now. Lots of reading to do.

Oh yeah, just had my FIRST french lecture today. COOL STUFF man!

Je m'appelle Diana.
Vous vous appelez comment?

Comment ca va?
Ca va bien, et vous?

Errrrr... What else did I learn?
There's this je, tu, il, elle, ils yada yada stuff, with conjugations etc.
Really interesting. And the french teacher's nice too. Well at least sth went well for me today.

And I met Claryance for lunch today. Macs... Yet again. I've never eaten so much Macs until I entered the uni man. Haha. Oh well, at least the main reason for eating at Macs is the benefit of eating in a cool air-conditioned place, considering the weather's been rather unpredictable. It can rain a thunderstorm in the morning, and can become really hot, scorch-ish and dry in the afternoon. Global warming?

We're going to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AH......
Alright, I think I just had a sugar boost or sth. Don't know why I'm so high now.