I had the weirdest dream ever.

Rulin was on a stage similar to the one I remembered from Hillsong Conference.
She was playing a guitar and worship-leading at the same time. Like Brook Fraser.

That was part 1.

I was supposed to meet Grace, Ah Neh, Lucas and Wayne to head to Malaysia for dinner.
I ended up going somewhere else with Audrey and another person to have waffles buffet that had kueh pai tee and something else.
Then I went to some Chinese New Year festival garden that was massively crowded with fun rides and people and Chinese New Year statues.
Took this train ride which made me stuck under some tunnel.
Then somehow I got out of the tunnel and I met Grace. I was more than 2 hours late or something.

That was part 2.

BUT ANYWAY. I did go to Malaysia for real. With the same people.
Fantastic food. At a much cheaper price.
And we each bought a balloon kinda thingy. And ended up giving to random kids. Feels nice to be a saint. Haha.

The really funny thing was the difference between the Malay and Chinese parents' reactions.
The Malay parents - Cautious initially, walked away for a bit, then smiled and asked the kids to say thank you and take the balloon after we insisted for like a minute.
The Chinese parents - The first question, "Need to pay or free?". The second question, "Can we take 2?"

OMG. Seriously.

Anyhoo. I realised all the Christmas photos I took show the extra weight I've put on. Yuck.
TIME FOR A RUN.

Anyhoo anyhoo. Happy new year to all! 2009 is gonna be another great year. :):):)
Faith in the living God takes away the fear in the living.

Smiles.

I'm satisfied with my results. FOR ONCE. :):):):)
And I can finally tell my mom how well I really did for my exams.
And my cap went up pretty drastically. Still third class. BUT. I'm happy. At least I see positive increment.

Thank You God. So muchos love.
Just hope Wayne's parents won't kick up a fuss about his grades. Sigh.

These few days were fun. Hanging out and shopping and manicure-ing.
I don't want school to start. NOOOOOOOOOO...

Results.

Gonna be out in a few hours. I'm scared. BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

ANYWAY.
I wished I brought a camera to meet Liting and the rest earlier.
Man was it fun. Haha. Got high on lemon tea, while the rest beer-ed. Felt like a kid who's not allowed to drink. :)

Now I don't know when I should just stop abstaining from alcohol. Want to ask God for a sign. But I don't even know if I should do that.

Resolution no. 1 for 2009. Finish reading the Mike Pilavachi book.
Resolution no. 2. Save up for Down Under trip. (This is the do or die resolution.)

More to come. I think. :)

Another fantabulously good guy got snagged (is that the word?). Conan is attached. Oh my gawd. Not that it's a surprise; he has a fan club. But anyway, happeeeee for you Conan. :):):)

Patrick.

Seeing Patrick again in the photos. Cute.
But somehow, I feel uncomfortable looking through the pictures.
I'm glad that you're doing well though.
Despite the fact that you dislike/hate me. From the last time I checked.

Anyway.
Conan's back! Liting's coming back soon too! Woohoo. :)
And Wayne's in Bangkok. I'm utterly jealous.

This year's Christmas seems more special. Last year's Christmas was a little shiat-ified. With the quarrels and fights and tears. Blah.
Thank You God.

The sudden urge.

To jam with the TWW peeps.
I miss them. Especially Liting and Conan.
Sigh.

Christmas!

Another eventful year passed. One of the best years I've had so far, despite a little shiat here and there.

Things I want to do before the year ends:

• Have dinner with Grace (with Lucas and Ah Neh too, if they're not mad at me for MIA).
• Have a decent meal with the family before dad goes back.
• Have another decent meal with the CG.
• Have yet another meal/party/meet-up with Liting, Daphne etc.

It's all about food. :)

But yes, there are other things I want to do before the year ends:

• Replace the battery in the $5 chinese red watch which I absolutely love.
• Buy a watch from Muji with is absolutely simple and nerdy-ish-classy.
• Buy a lock-and-lock tupperware for Rup's absolutely precious recorder.
• Find a couple who's interested in a holiday in Australia in July. Absolutely unlikely though.
• Play more squash and badminton to lose some pounds, which will absolutely boost my self-esteem.

and lastly,

• Buy more presents for the right people to make them feel loved this Christmas.

I hope I get many many presents. :)

Wee Lee.

Interesting time at Wee Lee. And half the time there I had no clue what the heck I was playing. Like chords with diminished stuff here and there. So that's how they do it. Screw a chord up with sharps here and flats there. Cool.

Yet again. It's going to be a boring Friday. UGH. All my fridays are exceedingly monotonous and boring. Which somehow makes the weekend look bleak.

A little update. Don't think I'm getting the cool moo-la job. Argh.
How disappointing.

A tribute to Muffin.

You were the fiercest hamster I've ever seen.
You shat everywhere; you even built a mini shit-nest.
You drink loads of water; peed a few times in the food-dish.

But you were the most active hamster I've ever seen.
You became toilet-trained and you love the toilet so much that you bathe in it sometimes.
The way you bathe in the bathing sand dish always makes me go 'aww'.
Your fur has the nicest shade of grey and brown.

I'm sorry I wasn't around during your last few hours, Muffin.
And I miss you already.

IKEA.

Today we're gonna have a short trip to IKEA to check out furniture and things we need to recreate Wayne's room. I may not be as creative as the architecture students, BUT we thought out this really cool layout for the room. Too bad there isn't enough space for Guitar Hero. Or is there?

Went to Youth Camp last night. Saw many young people; don't know the majority of them. Which is a good sign. This year felt a little different. Which is also a good sign. Kudos to the camp commitee. And God of course.

The prayer room works wonders.

An hour in the room.
Silent air-con running.
Silence.
Singing.
Praying.

That was the best alone time I got this year.

Please pray for me, cause I may landing a tuition job which will be a massively ka-ching success. Alright, not literally massive. But it'll majorly help the financial situation for the Down Under trip.

And if I don't get it, I'm quite screwed.
God help me.

Lead worship.

I'm in such a screwed up shape right now.

One more paper to go.
And I'm starting to understand what Ruperto meant in the past. It's a curse. Haha.

I want to be passionate.
I want to write songs.
I want to help people.
I want to love people like how some do.
I want to be as bubbly and exciting as how some are.
I want to be smarter like the nerds so I won't end up getting a third class degree.
I want to be more talented in my piano-playing.

You're right, God. I can't have everything I want.

2 more to go.

Exam disaster.
So traumatised that I didn't study the whole of today. Ok, not traumatised. Just a lil tired and stoned.

Tomorrow is a brand new day! I'm going to start studying for my next 2 papers. And eat right. Think I put on some weight; haven't been watching what I eat. Think that's what they call binge eating. Have resorted to that, subconsciously. And yes, I actually feel a little better, for a few hours, before I start eating again. AH WELL.

Think I've too many vests. But I just caught sight of another one. OMG. Nice nice nice nice nice. At least vests cover really plain tops. Which I love buying.

Haven't shopped since the last online spree, which consisted of a wallet and a vest. Saving up for Down Under and omg. Suddenly no one can confirm if they're going. Hate it when that happens. But no matter, I'm gonna go for it.

Anyhoo.
Will be looking through forever21/heritage again after exams, will probably want to get some stuff for Christmas. If you're interested, let me know!

I love the smell of new books.

They've this intoxicating smell.

Was supposed to go to church as per norm today. But I think it's because of that pill I took for my itchiness/rash problem. I was so drowsy and dizzy; didn't get outta bed till past 12. Conclusion: No pill the night before church. But the rash's returning, thanks to the horrigible and unpredictable weather in Singapore. I'm just glad last night was like cold. Was just wearing shorts and a T-shirt; still felt a lil warm. Odd.

Am studying my law notes on and off. Can't concentrate, because of the heat. No more itch, thank you God. Think my skin only itches at night.

Decided to read through the Selah book (written by Brian Houston). This very quote just banged me on the head.

"Don't focus on the growth of the church. Focus on the health of the church - because healthy things grow."

That is very true. Which is what the guys in church are doing now, with things like I Heart Sports Day and Youth camp etc. Which is cool. Which makes me feel sad that I'm not helping out. Or even attending them. SIGH.

Oh there's the Telok Kurau Christmas Outreach. And... I'm the coffee-girl. With apron and all. The other girls are wearing angel outfits. Cause they're Angels during the Outreach. Something keeps tugging me within. Like, I'm feeling like a big fat ugly igor. Haha.

Honestly, over the past few weeks, months maybe, there's something eating me from inside. I feel out of the church which I've been growing in since 6. It's been 15 years. Wow. I think it's the staleness of not going to other churches to experience different stuff.

I tried to fight away (with His help of course) the bitter feeling, because I know (I hope I know it right) that all these obstacles are just there to help me grow as a person, and to learn it full-on that every person has his place in life by God to do specific things. But everytime I thought I've learnt enough, another thing just kicks me off balance again. Then back to square one. The isolation, sole dependence on Him, isolation again every Sunday, the dreary world with its pains that I see in people but I can't help.

Now I'm just stuck between squares 1 & 2. The isolation on-and-off. One time when I quarelled with Wayne, I couldn't call a single person to talk. Half the church is probably negative towards my breakup with Fabian, let alone let me cry and bawl about another guy. That was The moment I realised, there isn't anyone. Not the friends I laugh and have fun with at school. Not the family who brought me up. Not anyone in church. God was around, no doubt. But I wished for Him to just bring a human angel to me. To talk things out with me, ask how things are, be actually honestly concerned and non-judgemental when I talk about Fabian and Wayne. I need a friend.

Anyone who reads this probably thinks I'm just being emotional and not thinking straight. Honestly, how many friends do you really confide in about everything, even the dark secrets? God's not counted by the way. Think you gotta have at least two. Cause if you quarrel big time with one, there's still another one you can call.

That's the thing. I only have 1. Better than nothing, yes. But it's not about being greedy. It's the human need for more love on earth.

Yay.

McKey won ANTM.

I'm not usually a fan of the series. But this cycle's models were pretty good. And I love McKey. Boxer-girl's got some attitude going on.

Anyway, today started off really badly, with the fact that I had to sleep with a really bad stomach. Had like food poisoning. Prayed really hard... Till I dozed off. Thank You God. I feel like nothing's wrong today.

BUT. Some grades came back. Like my report. Which I slogged all the way for. Tutor's not too happy with the topic. BUT he initially loved it. ARGH. Fickle. And my other lap report. I passed. But it's not good, considering loads of other people scored higher than me. BLARGH. And I did put in effort. Like. Alot.

SIGH. Wayne and I concluded that marks aren't everything. At least we've still God around to back us up. Which is very true. Honestly I can't imagine what'd happen if I didn't have this relationship with God. So yup, it was a good wake-up call. I just can't wait for exams to be over and done with. So I can start doing some real work. Like. Designing a room. And tutor (ka-ching). And of course, prepare CHRISTMAS. :):):):) The nicest festival of the year.

Okay, bedtime. 1st exam tomorrow's at 9 am.

Chatterbox.

Today started off quite groggy and all. Couldn't get myself outta bed for the YM games day thingy. Oh well.

Finally got myself outta bed at 11-ish, when it started raining. I hope they didn't get wet or anything.
Anyhoo. I keep forgetting that it really helps when the first thing I do in the morning is to talk to Him. Prepares me for the day ahead. I actually smiled to myself. Haha. And then good news followed. I got a tuition starting from dec thanks to my aunt's recommendation. Yay. :) Can continue saving up for Down Under. I'm officially broke; can't spend the moola in my account. Haha.

The rest of the day seemed pretty peaceful. Just made myself sit down and get a report done. Leaving the last assignment for later after church. Need to pace myself. And get some rest. I seem to be getting more anal with the work quality I produce. Good and bad thing. I feel that I'm distancing from the civilisation.

W brought me to Chatterbox earlier for chix rice. I'm a sucker for packaging. So when the dinner set came, I was just checking out the presentation for a while before starting. Haha. And there were some random fireworks thingy going on somewhere in town. Since Chatterbox was on the 39th floor, we could see the stuff going on. Nice. Sigh. It was a good dinner. :)

Dad just came back a couple of days ago. I'm trying to be more polite and sincere. Think Mom can see it too. She was taken aback to see me home on a Saturday doing work. Yup, I actually do work, Mom. Thanks.
And they seem to converse with W pretty casually now. I'm happy. La la la.

La la la is so not me.
Now I just got to do well for this semester. At least get my cap up to a reasonable grade.
And start interacting with the people I used to find easy interacting with.

LITING.............. COME BACK SOON! Rachel and I want to have a picnic.

Sickly week.

Yesterday and today seemed/seem so fast-paced. But I think I'm kinda lagging behind time. Haha. With the fantastic weather, it helps the rash heal although the skin's peeling off. Nice cool weather. Sigh.

Had a 5-hr nap after 8 am class, because I felt too sick to do any work today. Managed to pull myself out of bed, had porridge-y stuff for dinner, and do some work at Wayne's. At least I managed to figure out what to write for that particular assignment. Sigh. Everything seems a lil more peaceful, and nice.

My exams are in less than 10 days I think. Haha. Thankfully the assignments double as revision. Or else I'll be freaking out right now.

Sigh. Happy sigh.
I'm just happy the rash is going away. They don't itch as much anymore. And the mozzies aren't bothering me. :):):)

Thank You Lord!

Rash gone bad.

Or worse actually.

In tears she needed someone.
But no name came to mind,
No number she could call.
In desperation she turned to the Father,
Who only gave her a hug and words of comfort.
Then she realised He was more than enough,
More than anyone she needed.

There is nothing like Your love, Father. Thank You.

Proverbs 3.

It just came to my mind. Out of the blue.

Interesting.

It's been quite a heck of a week. My skin's acting up again. Probably due to stress. Or some idiot I bumped into and he/she has some bacterial disease or something. UGH. Bathing now's a dread, because my skin stings under running water. And it feels dry and painful after bathing. I'm disgusted by it, let alone other people. I'm scared of touching people or touching anything that belongs to them; don't want them to feel like I'm passing on some infectious thingy to them.

It's not that I don't take care of my skin. I've always been careful with the skincare products I use and stuff. Just really irritated that my skin's condition is getting from bad to worse. And I wish I can go see some doctor at the National Skin Centre. But the consultation fees are like. OMG. Getting basic pocket money is so strenuous; how am I supposed to get money for this.

I'm just praying and hoping this skin problem will just disappear before the exams. Being distracted by the itching and hurting will definitely not help while attempting the written papers.

God please just tell me what this is for. To build my immune system? To increase my tolerance threshold or something?! Or at least tell me that this is be over really soon.

Zen.

Another nice hide-out after a hectic week of work and revision and deadlines. Not that I feel very tired this week. I've been sleeping more. And I think I'm coping pretty well this semester, considering I'm kinda better at projects and presentations than just sitting down to complete pileloads of work 24/7. But I gotta say, this semester's crasi. Fingers crossed I won't do so badly again.

Anyway, dinner was nice. Quiet for the first 10 mins or so, till this group of giggly gurgly mandarin-speaking secondary school girls entered the haven. Not that we didn't welcome them. It was nice having another group in that huge room. At least there's someone to look at and stuff. Haha. I think we came just before the dinner hour peak, so we were the first ones up there. Oh, there was this group of office people. Gosh. They were LOUD. And singlish-fied. Combination of both = horrifying. I was kinda glad we were already half-way through when they came in.

Almost 6 weeks to holidays. 4 weeks to exams. 3 weeks to 3 assignments' submission. 2 weeks to 2 lab reports' submission. 1 week to a film project + 2 reports.

WOW. My life is exciting.
BACK TO WORK!!!

Unreasonable.

I wish she realises how stupid and unnecessary and hurting and meaningless her 'lectures' are.

I'm like. THE best punching bag they ever 'owned' in their lifetime.

Waiting.

For the dough to settle down. Making gingerbread cookies.

In the meantime, I'm listening to Happy Day. Updated version, with a lil sth new after the bridge. It's funny how the musicians take note of every single beat and note. I'm just really glad that some musicians in our church are really very. Very. Conscientious and up-to-date. Kudos to you.

Was just reading Prime Time with God in my gmail account. My hotmail account is screwed.
ANYWAY.
One statement says it all.
"Beware of any christian leader who does not walk with a limp."
Weird, but yeah, it totally makes sense!

(Okay whatever is typed below is after I finish making the gingerbread man cookies.)
I. AM. TIRED.
NEED. TO. SLEEP.
WAKE. UP. TWO. HOURS. LATER.

Haha. Okay, time to zonk off before my body mechanics really screw up.

Tuition.

I'm supposed to be at tuition now, but since my kid's just practicing her fantabulous science skills with a practice exam paper, I decided to cut her some slack and shut up.

Today's the last tuition with her. The last time I'd buy bubble tea for the both of us. Sigh. Emotional time. Haha. I'm gonna miss coming over to teach her. Considering I've been going over to tutor her at least twice a week since last year, I think we kinda got some connection, despite her not talking too much until a few months back. Haha.

After today, I'd have 2 primary students left to tutor till the end of the month. And then. My financial backing is cut off. Darn. Well, at least it's in time for me to just sit down, do some proper work, and study a lil harder for the exams this semester. It's sucky enough that I can't go for an exchange programme. YUP. My cap is that horrigible. BUT. I'm just grateful that I got into NUS in the 1st place. So yup.

Read her blog entry for like, the millionth time. HAHA. Alright, not exactly the millionth time, but definitely more than 5. I'm just trying to see things from her perspective. Like, what made her feel that way? Not that I see it perfectly. But I can somehow see where she's coming from. It's easy to feel that way. I mean, I used to think that way when I was in secondary school, which explains why I was M.I.A-ing from church. Depression and repression made me feel church was not as great as the friends I had in my school. Well, they did help me through the tough times. Kudos to them.

Now I'm standing on the other end. I don't have any close friends outside church. Well, maybe just 1 or 2. But the rest... I just lost them. Or as some of them may say, I'm too busy to grace them with my presence when they organise meet-ups and stuff. It's awfully sad when you try your best to explain things to them, but you know that they'll never be able to fully comprehend what is it in church that keeps you so so so busy.

Sometimes when I see their pictures on facebook, I feel kinda sad to see pictures of all my friends together, without me. Dang it. Before I left for Aussie this year, one of the best friends I had in school invited me to her 21st birthday. But I couldn't make it because of the trip. It's not that I don't want to go. I really wanted to go, and finally meet up with the girls. But under such circumstances, there's nothing much I can do other than just replying, "I'm so sorry, but I can't make it. But anyway, happy birthday! Meet up soon alright?". Stupid sms, cause I know we'll probably have such different schedules that we won't be able to meet up at all.

Anyhoo, back to main point. I can understand why she thinks the church community feels fake. And I feel a lil sian. After all, a church community is supposed to be full of love and not be judgemental no matter what a person does/did. But we're humans. We are a screwed up species. Heh. Okay, a lil harsh. But anyhoo. We do try to love everyone and anyone, from what I see. And this isn't an overnight thing. It takes time. Although I'm not really close to everyone/anyone in church, I'm just glad that I had a chance to interact and grow up with some of them over the years. You can see the changes. I can easily give multiple examples, like Janice. She makes me feel jealous (in a good way, of course). Haha. I wish I had the strong faith she has, the fantastic ability to worship-lead at such a young age etc etc etc etc. Of course I know each of us have different paths, yada yada. But yes, you get what I mean.

As of now, I feel detached from church. Yet again. But I know it's just a phase which I've to go through again and again and again. Because of who I am and what I've been set to do. You know how some people say Christians are like one of a kind? I'm like, one of a kind of the one of a kind. Something like, the oddest of the odd. Haha. On several occasions (even these few weeks), I felt so out of place after church service that I just want to go home and bury myself in my (cosy little) studyroom. IKEA makes the best homey-feeling/smelling furniture I tell you. :) Okay, back to point. What's my point actually? Hmmm. I have no idea. But bottomline. I love the people in church. Not because they're my homeys. Not because they look better than other christians we meet (during YMLC etc etc). HAHAHAHA! I'm evil. BUT ANYWAY. I just love them because I see them love God in their unique way and I see how God loves each of them His way.

Sigh. Now I can't wait to go back to church on Sunday. And do stupid hi-waves and stuff when I see people like Mae Yan and Jayne and Janice and Audrey and Kezia and Yihui and Rulin and Pao Yin etc etc etc etc etc etc. Note that I didn't add in any guy name. Yup, they'll give the are-you-retarded face expressions when the girls do stupid his and stuff. OMG. This entry is insanely long and weird. Okay, point to make. I just love them. Fullstop.

Something BIG.

Happened this morning.
Like, HUGE.
Something super duper evil.

But I guess at the end of it God turned something meant for evil to something good. Says on my a-verse-daily-calendar. How coincidental.

Phew. Honestly, I'm glad it's over, and we talked about it. AND, the best part - we worked things out with God and ourselves. I'm totally grateful for God's grace. And the selfless supportive love from my bff.

If you're reading this, I just want to say I'm really sorry (again). And thank you so much for choosing to love me as I am, regardless of my past. It means a lot to me.

Hugg.

What ifs.

Just read this email Joella forwarded to me. Speaking of which, I haven't seen Joella around in church.

Anyway, like everyone else, I don't really have the habit of reading forwarded emails. But the title kinda captured my attention for a bit.

Cellphone VS. The Bible

Interesting insight. And thank God that my Bible is in my bag. Not that it makes me feel holier than thou. I haven't been faithfully reading the Bible, that I must admit.

Anyhoo. Today during the 4-hrs break, we had lunch with the folks. They're awesomely nice. I'm just glad that they don't act awkward with me around. Maybe it's because they're used to it already. Which is an awesomely awesome sign. :)

Alrightey, back to schoolwork. Got 2 structural concrete books to read to prep for my lab report.
And my eczema's acting up really badly again. Maybe it's a sign for me to go to the National Skin Centre or sth. Sigh. But it's so far... Darn.

No more shopping spree.

Just realised how much time I've left till next June. It seems far, but it's less than 8 months away. And... I haven't saved 1/8 of the money. Oh shiat.

Yup, no more shopping or splurging. What have I splurged on anyway?! Oh right. Cabs and food. Okie, time to take public transport more often and eat less. Dang.

Anyhoo. Mid-sem break's over. Not like it was a break anyway. But. School's in. Ugh. So much work, so little time.

Motherloads of projects too.
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Major soft spot.

For my dear lil muffin. Felt so guilty when I saw it bathing in the old sand earlier.
I love you muffin. Even though you're major aggressive and you pee almost everywhere you go. :)

Mid-sem break doesn't feel like a break right now. But I'm just lucky there's no mid-sem test for me this time. Thank You God.
I think maybe I've the load of multiple projects to make up for it.

I'm just looking forward to a shopping spree really soon. Hopefully. :):):)

:(

Rough week.
Rough nights.

'Nuff said.
Luckily I'm not Jewish. My 'new' week starts on Mondays, not Sundays.
Now I fully understand why I absolutely dread being home early, especially on Sundays.
Getting financial assistance from my parents is like. Snatching a crocodile's food from its mouth. Haha.

And I'm tuitioning because my so-called pocket money (I'm calling it token money from now on) is pathetically the bare minimum. Not to mention the fact that I have to save up for next year since I'm not going to be financed to go to Australia. But they're scolding me for not giving them 'parent-money'. It'll be because of them that I don't believe in 'parent-money'. Gosh. Are they bloodsuckers or what? I'm just wondering now, if they're so into the ka-ching, why even bother revamping my room. Might as well keep the money to themselves no? Like seriously, they are so unpredictably temperamental.

What a great family I have.
I'm still gonna thank God for them. My ability to ignore stupid people has drastically improved. And my urge to move out asap has grown yet again. That will be called independence.
God help me.

1 presentation down.

2 to go.

2 1/2 hours of sleep. OMG. I'm amazed that I'm still alive and attentive during lessons.

And I think I just had food poisoning. Again.
BUT, honestly, the indian rojak & nasi bryani at simpang bedok are SUPER NICE. Either that or I was just really hungry.

Still awake.

Oddly enough.
Was just reading the bible. Didn't understand some parts which I read. Sigh. I totally need to up that aspect. Like, the growth is lop-sided. Ah well.

Realised I've 3 presentations up next week. New record. And all are counted in my CA. Hopefully I'll smile more and inject humour into my speech. Yup. Professional Communication teacher said I'm shy around strangers; I need to smile more. Language and professionalism don't make up for the lack of friendliness. Big lesson I learnt this week.

But anyway, I feel motivated to study the law module now. Seems quite interesting, other than the troublesome part of having to find loads of past cases (Early 1800s to the 1900s) for the sake of references during my end-semester open-book examination.

Ooh. It's 5 am. Damn. I needa sleep. Supposed to wake up early this morning, say about 9 to study and do some work before I slog it out at my tuitions later on in the day. Blah.

Partly-revamped.

Now my study-room has the IKEA smell. Which I like. :)
Come to think of it... Right now, other than the piano, the rest of the furniture in my study room are from IKEA.

Study-room's a lot more spacious now. I can actually fit 2 people sitting on the floor between the BRAND-new white shelf thingy and the BRAND-new cool table. Now all I need for the floor is a cushion or a carpet. Hmmm. :)

OH OH. And I've new curtains up. Totally gives the privacy I need. They're transluctent white, so light still enters the room. YAY. I'm the kind of person who'll shut the windows and use the curtains to completely shut the external world away. I hate the thought of people staring at me from the block opposite. Heh.

The funny thing is the revamp was done wholly by Mom & Dad. When they're together, they tend to be nicer. Haha! Put them separately, things tend to get a lil messier. Oh well. Wonder when Dad's going back though.

But anyhoo. I hope the IKEA smell stays in my room for a while. Love it to bits. Not that I'm addicted to it. But it's always been the smell of homey-ness, for me that is.

Time to go back to IKEA! For meatballs and get a cushion or two. And maybe hopefully help Wayne revamp his room. His parents kindly cleared the side-yard (Is that what u call it?) for us to study at. But it's super humid there; paper gets "dum-dum" if left for a while there. Haha. BUT. It's the thought that counts.

Okay, lunch time. Then school.
Super looking forward to coming back home to my study room and start doing work. Feel super professional. HAHAHA. Okay, stupid.

45 minutes flat.

I got my eyebrows plucked (in Place A) and got my express pedicure (in Place B) done.
Wow.

Anyhoo. YMLC tmr!
Think it's my third time going for it. Hopefully it'll be fun. :)
The hotel seems quite pleasant.

I'll be missing church 2 weeks in a row, since I went to TPMC last week. Oh well. I miss the CMC people.

Been feeling rather sick in the stomach. Think it's the gastric flu returning. Blargh. Shall not let it affect me.

ANYWAY. It's Eugene's birthday today. Happy birthday! :)

Picasa.

Thanks to Jasper's wise advice, having Picasa now is like. A blessing.
Wonder how Jiao Per's doing now anyway. Haha.

ANYHOO.
Looking through the pictures I took in Australia just makes me want to get my ass back there again. Haha. Yes, Jon has proven his point. I'm missing Australia. Not for the weather. But for the fun and shopping. I think it'll be more fun next year; going with a different crowd. Hehe. OMG. JUNE.

Birthday celebration was good. Food was good. Company was good. Management from there was a lil screwed up though. The amount of food they thought would fill 20 people was pathetic. Had to do several refills for each dish.

On one hand I felt like, "Yeah, they're doing business. Gotta earn a profit." But on the other hand, it's kinda like, "Have you really filled 20 people with just that amount of food?!?! DAMN. They must be damn shy, probably don't dare to go up to the food table to get a proper first helping. "

Imagine my shock when less than 10 people went to get their food and about 3 dishes were emptied. Oh well. They did give a voucher at the end of the day. But still, I felt a lil down, cause the servings were disappointing.
Their defense statements made me more upset:
"But this is not a buffet..."
"We don't have the economies of scale to be able to feed them fully..."
"We've fed more people and they could even 'da-bao' some home."
RIGHT. Contradictory statements.
I actually had to put up with the debating for 2-3 hours before the night ended. When Stef said, "Bring it up as a case.", I almost died. Gosh. It's my birthday; for once, less drama in my life please.

Conclusion: Place is good for ala-carte. Food's good. But party-wise, with that kinda money, you should probably go to some other place more established. Either that or you have a really good debator/hard-ass person to liaise with them to make sure the food proportions are right. HAHA.

Sorry is never enough.

Time to take action.

What can wash away my sin
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
What can make me whole again
Nothing but the blood of Jesus

Oh precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow
No other fount I know
Nothing but the blood of Jesus

That is and will be the only song that can make me cry while walking (alone) in Clark Quay.
In the midst of the song, I was walking through an underpass tunnel and caught sight of a middle-aged man playing his guitar, trying to earn some money by performing. Got reminded of one of the videos I watched during the conference. Taking out money was a norm, but the rush of emotions was completely different. The smile the man gave was just warmth and love. No words can describe that. It's just there. You feel it, but people won't understand what you're talking about until they experience it themselves.

There is still love in this world. And we have to start showing that it still exists. Not just with the friends and familiar faces around us. But with the strangers, the foreigners, the loners, the weak, the poor, the frail, the broken.
Love someone new each day. That'll be my new mission. Amongst other ambitious goals. :) Awesome.

2 tuitions cancelled.

Slacking off right now. Did some work here and there. Sent emails etc etc. Finally decided what to do on Tuesday. Gosh. Forgot about the arrangement until Liting reminded me.

Went to Jazz @ Southbridge twice in the last few days. I can't seem to just relax and chill. Maybe it's the acoustics. It was a tad too loud for me. I prefer smooth and slow and not-too-loud jazz. But it seemed like the rest of them were enjoying themselves. So I didn't say anything. Ah well.

Dad's touching down tonight. And no surprise, Mom's pretty excited about it; asked me to do something which she wouldn't ask me to do on a normal basis. I guess it's quite exciting, at least this time we'll get a ride home. Wonder if he's bringing any mangos back. Cause usually he'll bring back a whole box of em. And they're all magnificently S.W.E.E.T. and fresh.

School's been quite bearable, thankfully. Just played badminton on tuesday at the sports centre. Gosh. I never knew the booking was so easy and free-of-charge, until a year of studying there. Oh well, it's never too late. :) At least there's an easier way of working out, instead of just running. Running can be really dreaful sometimes. Blagh. But now my right butt hurts. For some odd reason.

Will be turning 21 next week. How exciting! Not that alot of things are going to change, like how it happens in the U.S. People at 21 in Singapore will still be hen-pecked, or more specifically, I'll still be governed by my mom. Like after the Hillsongs Conf, she seemed nicer. BUT, when she has her random PMS or menopause tempers, she'll flare up over no reason, and say really brainless, thoughtless and hurtful stuff. Which doesn't really reflect much on her positive change. At least I didn't rebutt back the last time round. And she just shut up after a bit. But she didn't apologise. Never mentioned about that incident again. I can get over it, but it'll be really pissing-off if she does it regularly and expects me to just take it all in.

I feel hungry.

And I feel grumpy.

BUT ANYWAY.

School's going pretty alright so far. The school-mood still hasn't set in though. Feel so slack. And nua.

What's there to do for 4 hours in NUS.

1. Work out at the gym - Old equipment, lousy ventilation. OUT.
2. Study at the library - Nothing much to study for now. So staying in the library for 4 hours isn't really a good option. OUT.

Wow. School is boring. Oh heck. Guess I'll go home. And play with Muffin.

OOOOH. Daphne's in school. Finally. I see hope.

First day of school.

And it didn't really start well.

Shikes.

Song-dead.

Got snapped at for not calling back.

Jumping to conclusions are the No. 1 killer to cause miscomm.
But ohwell, it's tiring trying to explain that I've tuition and yada yada.
I'm the bad guy at the end of the day.

WOOHOO. Major self-pity.

Tsk.
Feel like an immature childish little girl. BLARGH.

Alright, snapping out of it.

Time to get my arse back onto the piano seat tomorrow. Need to focus.

Muffin.

Hammie's here!

Fiesty lil one though. A bit blargh. But oh well. At least it's a cute lil grey-ish brown one. Just that it has red eyes; it's supposedly fiercer or something.

Check out the extremely colourful cage I got for it.


Awesome la. So colourful. I like. And the cage's primary home-spot's on my piano. But it'll probably stay out in the living room more. With my grandma. When I'm not around. Which is gonna happen very often when school starts.

Just tried putting Muffin into the hamster ball. Gosh. Super active hamster la. Will take a picture next time. When I'm less afraid of it. The red eyes really scared me for quite a while.

Youth service was gooood today. In my opinion. Can't wait to see other changes. Awesome stuff.

Obstacle number two.

Overcame it. Thank God for his prayer. And the convo with Him.

This is it. I think it's really time for me to just rely on myself financially. Don't want to strain matters.

Anyhoo. Incoming hammie this saturday. Yay. :) Gonna get a nice sweet cosy home with a nice toilette and bedroooooom for the lil' fella. Can't wait!
At least it'll keep grams company when I'm not home. Awesome awesome-ness.

OOOOHM.

Please forgive me for not focusing on you.
I'll get back onto track. Promise!!!
Will stay close to You. Promise!!!

OMG. This is getting exciting. A big change is F.I.N.A.L.L.Y going to be implemented.
WOOHOO!!!

I knew it.

Things can't be going too well. In my life that is.
It's like I'm telling myself, "Told you so."

There's this twangy kind of pain. Don't know how to describe it.
But heck.
I'm just going to push it aside and focus on the more impt stuff. The whole self-pity thingy isn't going to change anything.
And it's a waste of time. Energy too.

I want to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. But I can't get myself to.
Blargh.

With everything.

Let hope rise.
Darkness tremble in Your Holy light.

The lyrics seem so strong. And encouraging. That song never failed to make me cry whenever they sang it at the conference.

SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER excited about tonight's Indi conference. Okay, not THAT excited. But yeah.

Finally. Meeting Grace, Lucas and Neh. Hahaha. Wonder what we'll do this time though. Hmmmm.

Worship.

A need of expression of the created to the Creator.
Awesome quote.

Right now, I just feel bummed about the Passion World Tour not stopping by in Singapore. Darn. And the passes for the one in KL are completely sold out. Wow. Christians over there must be living it up. Or maybe the Singaporeans over here Kiasu-ly bought the tics already. HAHA.

Singfest this coming August. COOOOOL.
But the tics. Super expensive.
And I'm saving up for next year's Aus trip. Dammit.

Change me.

Chains be broken.
Lives be healed.
Eyes be opened.
Christ is revealed.

It's amazing how I feel impacted and compelled to do things that I've never even thought about in the past.

So many things to do. So little time. And money. Gosh.

Last pit-stop: Hillsong Conf in Sydney.

AWESOME.
AWESOME.
AWESOME.

I've learnt so much during this 4 days conference. More than the past 5-10 years of sermons I've listened to. Not sure how to put it, but the conference has really been such a blessing (excluding the fact that the hostel I stayed in did give me the creeps).

Hung out this awesome buncha people - Rulin, Jon Ong, Nelson, yes my mom too, along with some new friends I've met - Yan, Joey, Denise, Novi, and one more girl. I don't know how to spell her name. I'm sorry. Haha. It's like, Piak something. :S

But yes, I think, very very likely that I'd want to go for next year's conference; have to save up for it myself this time though. Mom paid for almost everything, because it's my 21st birthday present. The most awesome-est present I'd ever receive. Yup.

For now. It's time to put into practice what I've learnt. OMG. God help me.

And yes. I love all the videos and wallpapers they show on their screens. SUPER ARTSY FARTSY. OMG. Damn cool.

Third pit-stop: Chatswood in Sydney.

More shopping.
More sight-seeing.
More eating.
More walking.
More animal-watching. (Wildlife park.)
Adorable wombats and koalas.
More grocery shopping. (LOVE the aussie supermarts. AWESOME.)
Shops still close by 6pm max.
Rioting. (Because of the Pope or sth.)
Bubble tea.
Char-grilled Charlie's chix.
Honky dim sum.
Huge bowls of japanese ramen.
Paddy's Market & Factory outlets.
Sydney Opera House.
And of course, my niece, Rochelle.

Thank God for my cousin and her hubby and their kid and their nice apartment. Sydney is freezing-ass cold, as compared to Gold Coast. Gosh. It's already been a week since I left Singapore. Feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. Ah well.

Last pit-stop for the Aussie trip --> HILLSONG CONFERENCE.
Alright. :) This should be good. Gonna be THE highlight of the whole entire trip. And my life. As of now. Haha. WOOHOO!

Second pit-stop: Surfers Paradise in Gold Coast

Mariott Courtyard Hotel. (VERY NICE.)
Awesome landscape view.
Warm sunny beaches with many many chicks and hunks. (It's the school hols.)
Friendly and extremely patient bus drivers.
Irritating, ignorant and insensitive Indonesian uni students.
Shopping @ Pacific Fair.
Bikinis and havaianas galore.
Winter sales.
Sitting with random strangers on wild roller-coaster rides. (My mom too wuss.)
Freezing my arse off at nights.
Paying 2 aussie bucks for 20 mins internet usage. (No free WIFI. Outdated sia.)

I really couldn't get used to having so many people around the entire place. It's like shockers, since the resort was pretty peaceful and quiet. Felt a lil afraid of the people the night we reached. SCARY.

I felt really fat, since all the food's oily and huge. Oh, but these few days didn't really have much appetite. Got more distracted with the shops and interesting sights. Think my mom's eating more than me now. Odd.

As soon as I saw a weighing scale at my cuzzie's, I dashed for it. Lost 1 kg. WOOHOO. Think I'll put it back on again this week. Just had this whole chix feast for dinner. OMG.

ANYHOO. Conclusion: Gold Coast is meant for couples or groups of friends. Not for mother-daughter duo trips. Actually, hardly any place is good for a mother-daughter duo trip. Ah well.

I MISS SINGAPORE. DAMMIT.

First pit-stop: Tangalooma Wild Dolphin Resort @ Moreton Island.

Humpback whales.
Bottle-nosed dolphins.
Big fat old cute turtles.
Dugongs.
Shipwrecks.
Beautiful sunrises and sunsets.
Beaches with sand that is cold because of the natural water spring underground.
Sand-surfing.
Quad biking.
Fattening and huge servings of food.
Sleep by 10 pm because everything closes at 9.

The last few points seem a lil sad; like the resort has no life. But the people here are really friendly. We Asians really have no sense of humour, and human-contact friendliness. But really can't blame us entirely. There're still Caucasians who think they're better. And they believe (from Hollywod movies maybe) that Asians are evil people who'll abduct their kids for the fun of it.

But nonetheless, the resort stay was pretty cool. It'll be on my honeymoon itinerary. For now.

The first evening in the Resort, and I see this. OMG. Oh, there was a couple nearby who was making out. But I decided to exclude them in the picture. HA.

1 more day to Aussie.

OMG. The packing and preparation are blah.

But yeah, I shall hold no expectations for this trip. Other than the fact that the Hillsongs Conference is going to be AWESOMELY FANTASTICALLY exciting!!! Woohoo! :)

BUT SERIOUSLY, I hate the packing stage. Tsk. Darn irritating and frustrating. BLARH.

Lil cute girl in a lil cute dress.

Seen you grow up since you were a meddlesome lil baby. It's amazing to see how you grew, in size and vanity. Oh, and not to mention, your ever-improving sound-box which never fails to fill granny's house with squeals and screams and whatsoever.

Can't wait to make fun of you when you grow older, with unglam pictures of yourself caught on my cam. Can't wait to see you stress about school and love.

Happy Birthday Rachel. :)

God's will.

"I know, I haven't been the best-behaving girl lately. I asked for a break-up. But I did ask for Your consent. So that should be alright ya? It's Your will that things turned out this way."

Honestly, the whole God's will thing is very upsetting. I cannot understand any intention other than the motive of pressuring me to think that there's only 1 way out. Which is false. Cause I know God gives many many choices.

Whatever it is.
I'm a single. I've my rights. I've freedom to go out with anyone, and do whatever I want, within limits and morals (and whatever) of course. But still, the whole thought of being given "the benefit of the doubt" is (I'm sorry) disgustingly upsetting. What is that for? I don't need anyone to approve or disapprove my actions. Because in the first place, I don't owe you a justification or reason for anything I do. I only answer to God. And my parents.

Okay, now that I've puked everything out. Feel a lil better. Just needed to let off some steam. I can't believe this is happening. Ridiculous.

God help me.

Photogenic hammie.

That's Jo's hammie. Was just looking thru random blogs. And there. Hammie's name's Prada. SO CUTE. If I do get a hamster, I'd want it to be as cam-whorish as Prada.

Then again, I tend to get really lazy. So getting a pet now's not a very good idea. Oh well.

Starless sky tonight.

Quite a few things happened today.

I was running on adrenaline during Youth Service this morning. Or maybe it's the extra burst of strength bestowed on me from above. Whatever it is, I'm thankful for it.

Drank bubble tea, after weeks of deprivation of that, because of the Shanghai trip and Church camp and Worship night. Yup, I was bubble tea-deprived. For quite a while. Haha!

Got a kneecap injury during Netball practice with the guys playing against us. Hate open wounds on the legs. Bathing becomes a dread. But of course, I'll still bathe. Duh.

Had a sumptuous dinner with the folks and grams at Jumbo East Coast. ATE SUPER UBER DUPER MOTHER LOADS OF FOOD. Shiat. I feel fat. But the cereal prawns were awesome. Nuff' said.

Uncle Zen just fell into a coma. It feels quite surreal. But oh well. Praying for him and especially Joshua. Must be pretty hard on him. Sigh.

Twists and turns.

Dammit.

Life's more peaceful now.

As compared to the earlier weekend.
Thank you God.

Now, there're other things to worry about.
1. Worship night - Practice, technical run, praying, fasting, repenting.
2. In-deep - Practice, practice, practice, new songs, new songs, new songs.
3. School - Sucky grades. REALLY sucky grades. If you read this, try not to ask me about my grades. Tends to bring my whole day to a complete downcast mood.
4. Ka-ching - Will I ever know how to save up?!?!?!?!??!?! Don't think so.

I just got addicted to Jason Mraz's Geek In The Pink. The whole combi of beats and stuff. Fun. My head never stops bobbing away when it plays continuously. HAHA.

Heart pain.

Ah well, he's right. Decision's been made. Time to just heal over time.

Sometimes I feel that maybe I was too rash. Oh well. As a consolation, I know that if we're meant to be together at the end of the day, God'll probably bring us around one full circle. If not, then this would turn out to be good for both of us.

I want to tell him that I'll miss the times we've had. The stupid funny stuff we did. Yada yada. But he's right. They're moot points.

Just can't wait for this whole horrifying nightmare thingy to end. ASAP. I want to talk to him again. And laugh at stupid stuff. As friends.

It's over.

One horrigible conversation.

Started a lil well, ended off on a very. Very. VEry. VERy. VERY bad note.

It's done. Too ugly a scene to take it for granted.

Finally. Singaporean food.

Shanghai trip & Church camp are over.
Finally can settle down for a bit before end this month.
Amazing how these 2 weeks turned out.

Dear God, please just give me an answer. Like, now. Or at least soon enough.

One day away.

To being free of her whines and rash tantrums.
For a week only.
Well, better than nothing.

Abandon's the word.

This devotion book I'm doing is SUPER DUPER UBER accurate. Not that it's scary. It's just that feeling of, "HWAH!" or like, "DAMN.".

Commonsense carefulness in life = Unbelief

As much as it sounds harsh, I guess it makes sense. BUT. It's still hard to swallow.
Especially when the mother makes it so hard most of the time.

Rehearsals, screw-ups, conflicts.

Rehearsals were fun but messy.
Loads of screw-ups, like the synthesizer that keeps going off-tune every few minutes.
Motherloads of bitching and fun bantering.

Theatre is really quite exciting. If only I was more talented in acting. Or even singing.
Then again, I'd rather work and boss people around to do work in an industry like, architecture, building. Or something.

Red alert.
Dear Lord, just help me overcome this. I need to get this over and done with.

Yippee-dee-doo-daa!

My online shopping stuff's FINALLY here.

Now all that I'm worried about is the production ka-ching. Tsk. Stewpid.

But yeah, super duper uber happy my stuff's here. After 2 weeks. Haha.
Pretty worth it. The quality's so much better than the normal quality you see in the Forever21 outlets.

Anyhoo.
5 days!!!

Apple of His eye.

Beautiful song. (Though a lil wordy --> Musicians tend to be a lil bit more anal. Heh.)

But nonetheless. Touching song. Sigh.

And the chord progression. HAHAHAHA! Sounds familiar. Think I used it for one of my songs. Darn. Scrap that song... NOT.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR WORSHIP NIGHT.
AND IN-DEEP WORSHIP.

They're going to be shiok-dedly awesome.

Cut my hair.

It's short. REALLY short. But it's nice. I think.

HAHA.

But the hairwash was SOOOOOOOOOOOO nice. OMG. It's like a combination of hairwash cum head massage cum shoulder massage.

Omigosh. I think I'll go there again. Soon. HAHAHAHAHA.

The stewpid ka-ching from the production's not in yet. Lousy admin. Haha!

Fuzz. Fuzz.

And I thought of a fantastic name for a girl. Thought of it this morning. But I've no memory of it right now. Darn. Ah well.

Just ate an omelette.

Super shiok-ded.

Can't wait for the haircut later. Yippee...

Counting down. 9 days. Heh.

And the stewpid Kermit shirt's back up on the shelves again. Darn it. Tsk.

Empty thursday.

I've no plans. Except one tuition.

Thankfully. Am meeting Jia Hui on Friday for lunch and haircut (FINALLY.) at Holland V. Yay! Hopefully the people there are good. Jia Hui was complaining about Supercuts @ Far East. So I guess the Holland V people should be better. Exciting...

Today felt a lil shitty-fied. Firstly because of the gloomy weather, although it was very cool and shiok. Secondly because of the mother. Amazing how damaging parents can be. Sigh. And I've to spend a week in Australia with her before the Hillsongs Conference. Great.

It was Ron's birthday. Finally went to Simpang for food. Haven't been there for what, 2 months. Glad I went, although did feel a lil sick. Nice hanging out with them again.

Hopefully it doesn't rain later in the morning. Wanna hit the gym/track/pool, depending on my mood. HA.

Need to pray.

It's been a horrible night despite good comforting company. Sigh. Ah well.

Bad hair day.

Every single time I wanna cut my hair, something HAS to pop out of nowhere. Tsk.

Thank goodness for econs.
Calculating opportunity cost does benefit lives.
At least I didn't spend money on cabfare. And it appeased my grandma, because I stayed behind to get the Bedok Town Council number for her. And, I had to eat a bit of her lunch, although I've a lunch buffet coming up. Darn. Fat fat fat fat fat fat.

And. My YMLC leader's friend found the HIPPIE BAG. Woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First band prac for the production trip today. Hope it goes well. We haven't jammed with one another for AGES. Alright, maybe about a month or so. But it feels like a year. Exams seem to have lasted over a year or something.

I need to find a new hairstyle. My current one is getting a bit too 'pom'-ish.

OMG! This is A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

After finalising the songs for Youth service today, the next email I read was like, some update on the production trip.

No more clashes with the Church Camp! YAY!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, now I feel a heck lot better. Cause at least I know He's still around, and He's pleased with the chill-out session planned out for this week's service. Awesome awesome awesome!

2 nightmares in a row.

In one morning. Damn.

And it is RAINING = no running. no tanning. no motivation to go out and get my hair cut.

Yup, I'm the calculative one.

Obviously you're not listening. Who cares if you want to do multiple gazillion things at one time while talking. Whatever I was referring to wasn't even about that. You just can't hear me. Cause you just jump over whatever I just told you and talk about something else unrelated to the topic. With a straight face. Amazing ability I must say.

Papers are over. Had a good time chilling out and just staying away from books after the last paper. Had Kway Chap in the morning after bumming around in ECP. Which was totally refreshing. It felt weirdly healthy, as in the KC.
Today was horribly busy with many matters and concerns.
Shanghai production trip clashed with Church camp.
One of my tuitions stopped because of holidays.
Worship-leading this Sunday and I've yet to come up with anything.

At least now I know that whenever we talk, you definitely don't remember for a single second what I said. Being blur isn't cute all the time. It gets rather irritating especially on skype, fyi.

Just 1 more day.

OMG OMG OMG. It's finally here. One freakin day left.

Can't wait!!!
:):):):):):):):):):)

Not that I'm going to let loose my crasiness. But yeah. It'd feel good to be busy with stuff other than school work for now.

Pity I can't work this holidays. Except for tuition. At least still got ka-ching coming in. Yeah!

Okay. Back to revision.

Hippie. Or is it Hippy.

I LOVE THIS BAG.
But I don't even know the NAME of this bag. Only know it's from Heritage. Dang.

Ah well.

3 PAPERS DOWN!!! Woohoo.
2 more to go this Tuesday.
Oh gosh. I really wonder what I'm going to do after exams are done. I'll be a lil broke-ded. Cause of tonight's online shopping. GEE.

Oh yeah. Production ka-ching. WAHAHAHA!
And the GST thingy. Yay.
Then again. I need to save money for the production trip (IF there's one) and the Aussie trip and road trip (IF there's no production trip). So tentative. Blah. I hate tentative.

Fingers crossed, Aussie trip will be fully covered by Mom. Muahahahahahahaha.
I hardly think so actually. Ah well. It's good to be optimistic sometimes. :)

Finally. I've gotten my voice back. It's still a lil rough, but heck. Really freaked out the past 2 days. Thought I was going to lose my voice for good. For the first time in my entire life, I lost the ability to talk. Like, I was paralysed. Not in a physical form. But mentally, it's tormenting. For once I actually missed my shrill and irritating voice. I'm just glad that I don't sound like a squealing duck anymore. That was really horrible.

Thank you God.

I think I'm a horrible gift-thinker. Like, I can't think of FANTASTIC gifts for people. Screwed up Maeyan's one (Eugene and her mom didn't like it), couldn't even think of a present in time for Sam's birthday (oh well.). And now. I've Fabian and Mom to think about. Tsk. 8 more days to figure out something.

2 papers down.

3 to go. Yay. :)

Lost my voice. I really sound like shit now. And the throat hurts pretty bad.
Oh well. Hopefully it'll get better before the exams end. :)

OMG. My kermit shirt's out of stock. DANG.

Awesome concert!

And considering the amt of money we paid, the seats were really good.

Music was fantastic. Love the band. Love the pianist cum director. OMG.
The plot however, like what Liting said, was abit screwed up. Haha. But it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. So yeah, cool stuff really.

I think that mother queen has like 8 vocal octaves or something. Shiat. Damn good voice. And the pink feather dusters with ribbon lingerie. HAHA! Funny combination.

Still not a crazy fan of the ROCK music. But at least I can appreciate it a heck lot better now. Honestly, the live one did sound a million times better than the CD I heard in Gabe's car.

Horrible week.

Until the TS practical exam. It was fun. And we did it well, I think.
One half of TS exam is over. Woohoo!

I'm wearing this over-sized shirt now. Think I'm gonna change in a while, though it's uber comfortable. Now I understand why people wear shirts that are 10 times their size. Then again, it makes me look as if I've a beer belly, since I'm acting as a guy. But Liting said I was 'shuai' onstage. Which was a compliment, though a lil disturbing. I'm a girl after all. Oh well, at least I put my tomboy mannerisms to good use. Haha.

It's odd how you think that this person was meant for you and then it just snaps back at you. I wish there was a solution really.

Oh well. Exams first.
Easier said than done though.

The only comfort right now's that the exams are approaching and ending soon. Then there's shopping online and offline. And going out spending money on anything and everything. And the possibility of going for a short trip to some island (Still tentative. Haven't decided who to ask and when to go. Just some idea that popped up in my head 5 seconds ago.). And then there's the Aussie Hillsongs Conference trip. Cool stuff.

2 MORE WEEKS.

I've my reasons for doing things.

I have a brain. I think.
Don't make it sound like I'm some dumb idiot with an intelligence level of a 5-year-old.
When I get home, I'll be damn tired and I just need to sit around for a while. And the last thing I want to hear, is someone lecturing me to do yada-yada just because it's YOUR habit.

I'm a sicko. (WTH?!?!?!?!?!)
That's the last thing you said on the phone before I hung up.
Got that.
Thanks for the insensitivity and over-practicality.
It's amazing that you called just to utter words of disgust.
Right now, I really wish you were here. So that I can give you a slap on the face and just walk away without feeling guilty.

ANYWAY.
Dinner today was hilarious, thanks to Yingwen. Ladder theory. Ha. Maybe I should consider his advice. Seeing how things are right now, his words of 'wisdom' make a whole lot more sense.

No more going to Bedok Macs.

I'm never going back there again. Unless I'm with a buncha people. Or my mom insists on eating at Macs, which is a very low possibility. Thank goodness.

Screwed up day, because I didn't really do much revision. Not that I was slacking. Had two tuitions. And since I slept at 7 am, waking up at 2 pm is quite reasonable.

I'm just praying REALLY hard that my grades will be loads better. Well, these few weeks I haven't been out at nights for supper. Which is a totally different story from last semester. I miss the hanging-outs though. Oh well. People change. Things change.

Maybe I've changed. For the worse. I don't know. I'm blabbering away again. Sleep.

I can study so much better now.

With Diana Krall and Nat King Cole on the Media player.

SIGH.
I wish Christmas comes soon.
The best season of the year.

And I just realised - Nat King Cole's songs were used for Disney's princess stories. NO WONDER SO FAMILIAR. WAHAHAHA.
Sweet.

Fatigue.

I know the exams will be over and done with quickly, since they're only like, 2 weeks away. But it's so freakin' tiring. Not sleepy tiring. Just mentally tiring. I need a holiday.

I'm considering that Malaysian road trip thingy. Sounds pretty cool. And I already told my mom that it's possible that I may going. Hopefully she won't pull any tricks on me last minute if I do decide to go for one.

Anyway. FOCUS on studies first.
Went grocery shopping with Mom. So now I'm just taking a breather before starting again. Last night's attempt to listen to Benny was unfruitful. Dozed off after half an hour listening to him lecturing about programming. Yuck. Why the heck are we doing THAT anyway. Gosh. So random can.

First time in Little India.

It feels like I was in Malaysia, honestly. Everywhere's so... Un-Singapore. HAHA. It was extremely squeezy in Mustafa. And the smell of spices and all. I'm just glad I went with the right people. At least they're more considerate about the problem I have.

Best of all, I visited this french foodplace near Farrer Park MRT. Oh gosh. FANTASTIC food. Despite the escargots. But it was a good dining experience. Very chill-out. And their profiterole... OMG OMG OMG OMG. Nice. I like. But I'm glad I didn't have to finish it up myself. Would be cussing myself for the calories.

The ultimate coincidence happened at school yesterday. Oh my shit.
One consolation: My oatmeal cookies turned out pretty alright. Either that or my friends just decided to be nice and say they're nice though they may be bad. But hey, this time the oatmeal cookies are chewy. Yay.

OH OH. Mustafa has ALL the baking essentials. And they're cheaper too. BUT, I don't think I wanna go there alone. I'd rather go to Cold Storage or even NTUC, although they may not have the stuff I want sometimes.

West Coast Park in the morning

Is pwetty bew-ti-ful.
Just that it looks horrible and scary at night.

Now I know where to go if I feel stressed in school, during the day. But that'll happen from next semester onwards. And, I've a buddy to go with. Yippee.
OH OH. There's a Macs nearby too. Breakfast is goooooooooooood.

Okay, I'm really tired. Gotta sleep now and wake up in 4 hours. OMIDEGOSH. And I only studied like, 1 chapter of the semiotics lecture notes. OMG OMG OMG.

I need some fresh beach air.

I think the government should pump in more money to upgrade the beaches in Singapore.

There's still this glimmer of hope (in my mind) that our beaches will have clear blue water with fishes and turtles roaming free underwater. :)

If Indonesia's islands can have that, I'm pretty sure we can like, push the water from there to Singapore. Okay. I think I'm crazy. WTH am I talking abt?!

It's funny how he didn't even know that I was behaving strangely the past week or so. Amazing, his ability of optimism.

Watched 3/4 of a movie.

OMG. During THE MOST exciting part, the whole video froze.

But I'm pretty excited about the GST offset package. :) Yippee. More ka-ching.

I miss him. SIGH.
Then again, looking through the pictures, we don't look compatible.
Okay, that's a whole new topic. But oh well. I think I need some rest. (NO SHIT. It's freakin' 5 am.)

Sunday was a fun day!

Hung out with the TWW band people with Stef and Audrey after church.

It was fun. Felt a little odd because I usually only meet and hang out with the church people. But it was a good day.

Train ride home was dreadful, cause I so didn't want to go home. I think there's this cold war between the mudder and the fudder. And AGAIN, they won't talk things out. They really don't see that it has affected me in the past, and it still does affect me in a very big way. I think I'm so freakin' dysfunctional because of their problems. Gosh. You're called husband and wife for a reason. TALK, for goodness' sake.

Went jogging with Mae Yan - That was cool, cause firstly, I haven't exercised since the production started and the momentum just went down the drain. Secondly, I actually pulled myself out of laziness and go jog with Mae Yan, who's FIT. I'm just so happy that I didn't faint halfway. HAHA!

My BFF has been extremely nice and understanding, despite the sarcasm and crude comments sometimes. I actually think this friendship is going to work out really well. What's awesome is that I feel comfortable spilling everything out even though we've only known each other for like, less than two months.

Busy week ahead. Just pray that God can continue to bless me abundantly, so I won't give up studying and listening to the endless webcast lectures. After exams, I'll go for an overseas trip. Don't know where, don't know who to go with. But that can come later in May. I just want this examination period to be over as soon as possible. And more importantly, hopefully I'll get much better grades this semester. Gosh. An average B- to push up my grades. Tough tough.

God blessed me motherloads today.

Finished recording the songs I wrote, with one left aside for amendments. And I just got a new song this evening too.

Playing the piano today seemed different. The notes seemed to flow much better. Yup. His power. THANK YOU GOD!!!

Boring week ahead; revision week. YUCK.

Planetshakers evening.

It was a fabulous time. We Asians really have quite a lot to learn from these people.

Tonight I literally put everything else aside and just focused on God. Realised I've been multi-tasking too much lately.

If only there weren't exams in 2 weeks. Would really love to just focus on getting back on track with God. Ah well. But maybe, the exams are meant to be a blessing in disguise. HMMM.

Not that I've been sinning like committing crime, but it's like my thoughts are straying off. Distractions distractions.

OH OH. Gotta start writing songs. Some big event coming up! Quite cool, when Earl mentioned about it. Hopefully mine are usable. Fingers crossed. Just realised I've 4 that I can already hand in. Which is extremely fantastic. Yippee!!!

I'm playing prince!

Who would have thought.
I'm acting as PRINCE CHARMING in the practical examination play. WOOHOO!
Okay, it's just prince. But heck; SO COOL la.

OMG OMG. This is getting fun.

Can't stop thinking about it. I wish I can just use a brain eraser and rub off those thoughts. If only it was that easy. At least now I know my limitations. I'm only human.

Flutter flutter flutter. When am I going to get over it?

Okay, matter settled.

Big guy knows that I'm attached; credit goes wholly to Wayne.
I feel less burdened now. HO HO HO. :)

School feels uberly sian today. Dang.
At least I've a play to take part in, for my TS practical examination. Snow White story, with vulgarities, and lewd jokes, and molestation. How odd. HAHAHA.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I want to strangle him. And myself. (Alright, random.)

Human nature flaw #1: Make something out of nothing.

I freakin' miss the band.

Alright, to be more specific. I miss Conan and Wayne.

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Hello, they play so well that they make me sound uberly uberly professional too.
Besides, Jesher and Liting are from church, so I'll definitely see them around often.
But yes, we'll be keeping in touch.
"Definite," said Wayne.

Alright, back to studies. OH ME GOSH.

A tribute to my band. :):):)

Love yo.

The music director cum acoustic guitarist - with mis-cues and bountiful laughter.

The bassist - Every girl in the production crew wants to join his fan-club if there is one.

The electric guitarist - Extremely capable of playing any song requested. He has a potential fanclub base too.

The drummer - Still the same old Jesher.

I LOVE YEW ALL.
I'll be damn excited if we really do the soundtrack thingy. WOOHOO!

It's a guy thing.

But there's always a limit.

I needed you. But you pushed me away. Again.
What can I say?

It happens again, and again, and again.

ANYWAY. Today was a pretty good day, though I think I pissed Wayne off a lil; we've been trying to tick each other off as much as possible. Hopefully he's big-hearted enough.

I'm dreading Tuesday. It'll seem weird to live life as it is, without seeing the production people, and especially the band. SIGH. My best buddies.

Then again, I want April to come and go asap. Then May will come; I'll start drum lessons, bass too maybe, and even tennis. Then go to Aussie. Yada yada.
Starting to see life without the relationship. Maybe it'll work out. Or maybe, I may not need it after all.

YAY Factor - The 2 reports are FINALLY done. Oh gosh. I couldn't even be bothered to read them. I'm too tired and bo chap to.

3 more shows.

Tired because of practices and shows that end past 11.

Broke because of morning cabs; wake up too late for public transport.

Grumpy because of early morning practices that drag till night.

Fattened because food provided is mostly fried. HA.

Fattened (again) because there is absolutely no time to rest, let alone exercise and work out.
Lucky because I'm earning a 'salary' from this.

Happy because I made friends with several people, and all of them have a terrific sense of humour (probably because they're all theatre people, thus pretty expressive).

Sad because this whole thing's about to end.

Sad (again) because I'll miss the band people and the actors and all.

Hopeful because I'm looking forward to jamming with the same band in the future; maybe perform together in gigs. :)

Relieved because I can start focusing on studying and revising for the exams.

Stressed because I've missed lessons; have to catch up.

Excited because I've a play to perform in because of the TS1101E module. Yippee.

Too many things going on in my head. It's like a hamster wheel in there. Round and round and round...

Been missing a lil too many lessons.

I'm so tired out by the production. Like, I can't wake up on weekdays will like 11 am. Which means I'm missing loads of lessons. Only the TS module is steady right now, since I'm so in touch with TS people and stuff. HAHA.

But yeah, I'm really hoping after this production ends, I'll start working hard again. I started well this semester. Not going to slack off now. I need a B- average to pull my pathetic grades up. Shikes yoz.

At least I've finished whatever assignments, thank God. Just have the PF1104 report to touch up. And WALA! Study study. I think I'll stay in school to study... Overnight or something. Not sure if it'll work though. Better than home maybe? A lil too many distractions... Video-ing, slacking, snacking. Yada yada.

Now all I'm hoping is that my assignments come up with good grades. SIGH. Typical life of a student.

Remember the duck.

I love humper. So this story of the duck is even more meaningful for me. :)
It's an awwww story.

There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target.
Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner.

As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head and killed it. He was shocked and grieved! In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.

After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes." But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen." Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes. Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper."
Sally just smiled and said, "Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help," She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help. After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's, he finally couldn't stand it any longer.

He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck. Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you."

One meal a day.

Just had another practice for The West Wing. Super duper duper duper tired right now. Like, I feel like a lump of flesh lazy to even move from one spot to another. Can't believe it's going to end soon. Time passed pretty quickly these few weeks. THANKFULLY.

But it's been fun. Played all sorts of music. Which is really cool. And this band is pretty cool too. :) Wayne suggested jamming once in a while after this production ends. But Conan's leaving for overseas to pursue his degree. Ah well. :) But I'm really glad to know these 2 new guys. Guitarists as humble as them are rare these days.

OMIDEGOSH. I've 2 deadlines this week. How dreadful. BLARGH.

The first song I want to learn if I ever learn how to play the guitar.

True.

OMG. It's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sweet.
Not that it's the first time I heard it. It's just so... meaningful at this point of time.
SIGH.

I'm a sucka for guys who can play acoustic and sing nicely to a nice song. Like true. SIGH. Of course I'm not referring to all the guys on earth la. If guys like Kevin W/Sam T/Ruperto/Jasper can do that (actually I think they know how to), I'll be like, "Wheeee. I've talented friends! Yay!"

Anyway, bottomline. I'll be uber uber uber uber uber uber happy if Fabian can do that.
Wayne and Conan make it seem like an easy feat. Maybe cause they're professionals. That's why they're paid to play for the performance as well. Haha.

I'm window-shopping online again.

Not that I've anything in mind to get. I mean, I wanted this lil brown bag. But it'll be cheaper if I just bought it directly from the Singapore outlet.

OH. That MNG office style bag is up for grabs on eBay again. Fantastic!!!

I'm feeling exhausted. The comfy bed's just right beside me. But I feel unwilling to go to sleep. Despite the headache and body clock alarm going off. I think it's some kind of illness. Like, the unwilling-to-sleep disease. I don't know. Maybe it's just because I miss Fabian.

But his phone battery is flat. And he's only going to be back in Sheffield at 9 pm (UK timing). Hahahahahahaha. What can I say. My luck this week is horrendously down.

Anyhoo, the end of thursday is an extreme relief. I finally got the dialogue with that weird guy over and done with. I will just strangle myself if I've to work with him again for the official practical exam. Seriously. If Liting can say that he's weird, he's definitely out-of-this-world weird.

Thailand trip may be called off. Which is a lil disappointing. But oh well. It's like tentative. Neither here nor there. I hate this kinda middle-of-nowhere situation. It's so.... undecided. And I get kinda irritated by this kinda circumstances. However, because his mom said so, I will thus be at peace and be okay with it. Respect your elders, more so your boyfriend's parents.

I've been really bogged down about my appearance lately. Weight, to be specific. I have put on unnecessary mass. But the thing is, I've cut down so much, including supper and eating less. And I've only lost 2 miserable kg. I want to become anorexic. So I can lose all the fat I need to lose. And thus be less conscious of my weight and my body shape. Then at least people will stop making fun of me. And I'll stop making fun of myself for being fat. And I'd rather be made fun of just because I'm thin.

WHAT THE HECK AM I THINKING.

It's definitely not going to happen. Because firstly, I cannot not eat. I love sushi. And pizza. And salads. And pancakes. And scrambled eggs. Yada yada. And secondly, I know I'll get dumped immediately by you-know-who once I've symptoms of anorexia. Of all reasons to get dumped. Then again, I think that'll be a better reason than the cheating on either party reason.

So yup, there we have it. The conclusion. I will never become anorexic. And thus, I will remain this way forever more. Fat. Blah.

Unless I become uber rich in the near future when I start working and I'll go get a plastic surgeon to perform liposuction on me.

Ew. Gross.

Supposed to be studying.

I haven't studied for a test which is held the next afternoon. And the feeling sucks. But even with the books and notes beside me, I can't find the motivation to bring em over to me to start flipping through and just read till I doze off. I'll do it as soon as I'm done with this, I think.

Today's been pretty fruitful. I finally understand why some people say you can have TS cliques. We really do get pretty close to one another, for some odd reason. Maybe cause we've seen pretty much the worse of all our practical mates. But it does feel warm and nice whenever I see them in lectures, tutorials or practicals. Like, although we only see one another during these lessons, it just feels at peace. Like, yay. No more hostility feeling unlike other lectures, where it's like, every man for himself.

Apparently there's going to be some news crew who'll be coming during our production practice during the afternoon. News crew. Hopefully it's not some cheena crew. Like, Lianhe Zaobao. Cause although the script is translated from some opera show (if I'm not wrong), everything else is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO westernised. Like, hello. Hell bells by ACDC is one of the songs during the show. Definitely not oriental. Hopefully its like The New Paper people at least, if the director's so keen on advertising.

But anyhoo, as much as I love the band and the production people, I just want this whole thing to be over and done with. It's draining my energy and life. The last thing I want to happen is to have my grades suffer again, because my laziness is brought to a higher level due to a tiring commitment.

I finally released all my frustration and helplessness last night, which led to awesomely-swollen eyes this morning when I woke up. But I felt so feeling-less. Like, emotionally-empty, numb.

Tonight's different, thank goodness. Maybe it's the dinner with Ruperto, Sam and Doris. I felt more humane. Like I do have a life. And. I'm just glad that it's Wednesday. Despite it being a test-day. Having the special someone out of reach due to lousy technology for almost a week really is saddening; it's sad enough that he's million of miles away to begin with.

Watching Facing The Giants on saturday in church was fantastic and blargh. Fantastic because it's encouraging and touching. Blargh because it's like a prep video. Now, I'm in a situation whereby I have this whole pile of shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat on me. And I'm not going to get out of it anytime soon. This time I didn't ask why, which is good. Shows that I've grown a lil more. *pat on the shoulder*

Obligation.

Without Dad around, then everytime after service Mom'll be alone. As much as I want to like, go with the churchies for lunch and then hang out, I don't feel good. I wish I had a Singaporean dad. Makes things way simpler. Oh well. No such thing as simple for a life like mine.

Recently, I've been going out with Mom for lunches. It's not that bad, really. Firstly, I don't need to pay. Secondly, the time spent with her is kinda productive. Like, we'll talk about school, life, food, idiotic people etc etc. But now I feel awkward and out of place with the Youth people. Just standing outside the sanctuary with them makes me feel oddball-ish. Like, I feel unlikable. Recently, I feel that people don't like hanging out with me. Maybe I did something to offend/irritate them. Afterall, humans are pretty judgemental. I'm one myself very often, so I don't blame them. I'm just glad that I've still some friends around to make me feel a little comfortable.

Things have been pretty stressful. Tuitions, production practices, schoolwork, revision work. Overall it's just the monthly scheduling for my own work/life that keeps me uber tensed sometimes. Oh yes, and the self-financial planning too. It's hard to save up when you don't have much to begin with. I mean, yes, I have several tuitions and stuff. When you add everything up, and minus stuff like food, transport, extra expenses on occasions like cabbing, more food, daily essentials. It's hard to get money out of moms. So I'll have to depend on myself if I need to spend extra money on necessities. But I must say I feel extremely thankful that I'm still alive, eating well (the fat issue aside) and a shelter over my head.

Was just telling my mom how I wish I was rich during my 20s instead of childhood. Haha. Wishful thinking. I know I was well-provided/protected/fed when I was kid. Thing is, I can't really remember alot of happy stuff. I remember things like the family tiffs and the caning more. Haha.

Life's been tough. But I guess I'll live through it. I am pretty sure this won't kill me. The most my grades for this semester will suck again. That would really make this year horrigible.

It's kinda true. I've never really thought about it this way, but like, how would I know if we're still together till August? Planning for a trip like this is kinda risky I guess? But oh well, already arranged it with his mother. So can't really back out now. And I don't want to. Haha. Not that I feel extremely confident of the relationship. But yeah, I trust God. I know sometimes I seem like I don't trust you. But I am trying to put action into words. Just don't put me in the worst circumstances that will really test my patience, okie? Cause that will be defined as taking advantage of the situation and ill-treatment.

2 tuitions. 1 piano lesson. Band prac. Movie night. Yay. Fun-filled saturday. Notice that there's no homework/revision scheduled into Saturday's timetable. HAHA.

It was supposed to be a good morning.

But I was aggravated.

With a picture and an imagination that is uncontrollable.
Oh well, blame my stupid mind.
And I don't want to throw any tantrums. Cause I did promise that I wouldn't.
So now I'm just feeling horrible cause I've to keep it inside.

Of all things to happen.

So darn emo.

The moment I started typing this entry, I saw the notice that someone with the nick "so darn emo" came online to msn. How accurate.

I don't know if I'm feeling emo right now. But I'm definitely feeling pretty down.

Feel a lil bad about ps-ing Pert after the whole retreat ended. I could've gone with him to church to help him carry the stuff back. Sms-ed him but I didn't get a reply. Oh wellies.

I feel kinda off-ish hanging out with the people I used to hang out with. Mostly the guys I guess. Girls are fine... I think. Haha. Anyhoo. Maybe I just don't fit in. I'm quite a strange character since young. Like, sometimes I can be uberishly outgoing. And sometimes, I'll just go extremely quiet and seemingly anti-social. I think I gotta fix myself.

Today's retreat was pretty cool. We were fed with food and drinks every 2-3 hours. Team-building activities weren't conventional and boring, which is tremendously fantastic. But I did doze off during Pastor Edmund's sermon at night. I was a lil shagged out already. It has really been a long day. Being challenged by the guest speaker to express my feelings through piano was tough. As in, if I was in the contemporary/youth services, I can do it cause I know no one's looking at me except God. But this time, the speaker put his hands on the keyboard and asked me to it. Like, JUST DO IT. Without any start-up or heads-up, or whatever you call it. But on the whole, learnt a lot about serving and worshipping. I know this will definitely sound freakish to those who aren't christians. I don't blame you guys. I would think that it's weird too if I were one of you. Like Earl said, we may seem freaky to people, but we only care about His opinion. Easier said than done.

Well, it was a long, mentally exhausting, emotional roller-coaster ride. Pretty physically-demanding too, since I had to set up stuff here and there, and take off stuff, and wake up at 6 am in the morning despite talking to Fabian till 2 plus am.

Wanted to tell you this statement that Pastor Rupert mentioned during his session, "God brings us through trials only because He wants us to see how good He really is." Bottomline, trials are good. It's only when man is completely desperate for help, that he turns to God without any qualms. Then when God shows how impossible things become possible, man experiences for himself the REAL power of God. Amazing eh? Yeah, this is kinda beyond human comprehension. Then again, who are we to say that it doesn't make sense. We're only humans; we're not that intelligent, really. We think we are, but we're not.

I think, I'm feeling pretty brood-ish. And sad, for reasons I can't figure out and I won't, cause it drains too much energy out of me. How I wish you were around to just hear me whine and just grunt it out. I mean, I wasn't expecting you to. But definitely looking forward to seeing you as always. Besides, I was around when you were grunting and sighing and wts-ing for the past few days. Not too demanding of me to think that you'd be around, and do the same for me right?

Saying mushy three-word sentences isn't going to help me feel better. You're unconventional. Surely you can think of something more original. Now this time, I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I mean, asking me the question of uncomfortable-ness again and again won't help either. Like, if I say no, then you'll conclude that I'm lying and I'm still grumpy. If I say yes, then you'll just say, "But you know I won't blah blah blah." Asking me the question is redundant to begin with. What're you going to do, leave those 2 girls and go home straight? I'm pretty sure you wouldn't do that for anything.

It's just unfortunate that when I really need someone to just hear me talk it out, that someone ends up being someone else. Coincidental? I don't know. It happened a few times already. Not that I'm complaining. At least I've someone to be there for me when I do need one, thank God. Whatever it is, I'm just glad I didn't yell at you. I was probably too tired to. Or maybe it's just a sign of resignation.

Oooh well. Churchy tmr. And then another dreadful week. My timetable is crazy. Everything's clashing cause of the stupid tuition kiddos' indecisiveness. I just want this term to be over. And then I can go Aussie. Get a good break. And maybe go to Thailand, with mom. Not that I've plenty of money to waste, but I just want this year to be a good one. At least a better one than the last 20 years I've had.